Page 66 of My Heart To Heal

The sound of his door startles me, and we all turn toward mine.

‘Well,’ Bree puts down her glass, ‘I should be going.’

‘Me too,’ Zoe says.

‘Yeah, me three.’ Cara adds, and I know what they’re doing. They’re giving me space to go to him.

‘Guys, I can’t.’

‘Just talk to the man, honey,’ Bree speaks softly as she hugs me.

‘Love you.’ Cara kisses my cheek, and I watch as my friends leave my place, and I take a deep breath.

I should apologize to him. I know that, but if I do, if I tell him I’m sorry, that I made a mistake, where does that leave us? What if he sends me away — doesn’t want anything to do with me? I’m already hurting over not having him in my life, having him tell me once and for all that he’s done with me. I don’t think I can take that.

In my now silent apartment, I hear his music start to play, not too loud, just enough that it punches through the quiet surrounding me, and tears prick my eyes. I miss him, but I’m frozen to the spot, terrified to go to him, unable to allow myself to trust that he would want me back, unable to trust that hewon’t hurt me the ways Bax did. I can’t do it. I want him, but I can’t let myself have him.

Turning to lock the door, I lean my forehead against it for just a moment, hearing the Foo Fighters song I know is his favorite and letting the tears fall. I hate this, but it’s how it has to be. It doesn’t matter how much I want him if I can’t ever let myself trust him.

ThisIs Nick, My Boyfriend

Missy

Laying on my bed,staring at the ceiling, torturing myself with mental images of Nick in bed with a multitude of stunning women — this is how I’ve spent way too many hours lately. He isn’t home — again.

First, he disappeared for over a week after we first fought, and for the past two weekends, since I accused him of using a key to sneak into my apartment, he’s been gone again. I know he’s gone because there’s been no noise, no sound of his door opening and closing as he goes for his morning run, no music as he works out at home, showers, and cooks his breakfast. No TV or footsteps, nothing. I also saw Lance, the other vet at the clinic, when I know he doesn’t usually work Saturdays.

Not knowing where he is, my mind conjures up a movie reel of him in bars, meeting women who don’t accuse him of anything, women who tell him theywant more, women who see the man he is and trust him without question. I hate those women.

He’s beautiful, his body is beautiful, and the things he can do with it —Ugh…Perfection. The idea of him doing those things to somebody else, covering their body with his, sinking into them in the slow, torturous way he does… I can’t bear it.

He should have somebody. How he doesn’t already have a perfect, beautiful wife waking up next to him each morning blows my mind. He deserves that.

I could text him. I could call him. I could just say Nick, I’m sorry, we both fucked up, let’s fix this, marry me. I could.

Picking up my phone I scroll to the last text he sent me, two days after that first fight.

Nick:Miss, I can’t begin to tell you how sorry I am, please just talk to me. I hate not talking to you x

I didn’t reply, and he didn’t text or call again after that.

‘Mama, I’m done.’

Jonah calls out from the bathroom, and I lift myself up from the mattress. We have work and school to get to. I need to stop fixating on things I can’t ever have.

‘Ooh, I love thissong,’ Kacey says, swinging her hips behind Mrs. Abernathy, and I laugh. Things are good when I'm at work. The salon is always filled with fun, vibrant women, and it buzzes with this happy energy; it fills up my cup. That’s not to say we don’t cut men’s hair. We do, but they come in here ready to bop along with us, and I love it so much. I don’t have anyone in right now, so I tap Kacey’s shoulder as I pass and nod toward the office. I need to sit down for a while.

Sitting down in my chair, I can’t stop the memories of being in here with Nick all those weeks ago. My body reacts as I remember the grip of his fingers on my hips and the pull of my ponytail.

I pick up my cell, willing it to buzz with a message from him, but there’s nothing.

I could contact him, but what would I say?I’m sorry I called you a liar and a crazy person. Please come back to me.

‘Ugh,’ I lean my head back and, once more, stare up at the ceiling when there’s a light tap on the door, and Kacey pokes her head in.

‘Hey, sweetie.’ She smiles. ‘There is a very attractive man out here asking for you.’ She grins and waggles her eyebrows, and my heart skips.

‘Dark hair?’ She nods, and I stand, blowing out a breath, then smoothing down my shirt as I follow her out of the office, ready to face him and fix this.

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