Page 65 of My Heart To Heal

‘I don’t know you at all, Nick. You aren’t somebody I trust, so who knows what the hell you use it for? I want that key and all copies of it.’

Now I laugh. ‘I don’t have copies, Missy.’

Heading back into my apartment, I make my way straight to my junk cabinet and pull out the drawer, muttering to myself about her insinuations. Does she really think that fucking low of me? Well, fuck that. I resent her accusatory words, and I resent that look in her eyes.

Rifling through the trinkets, letters, and photographs thrown in the drawer, out of sight, I finally lay my hand on the key, a nondescript yellow key chain hanging off it, and I stomp back to the door. She glares at me as I step into the hallway and throw her the key, watching as she catches it with one hand and without taking her eyes off me.

‘The rest?’

‘There are no others,’ I snap as I start to pass her, then I stop. ‘You’re a real hypocrite, you know that?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘You act like my words were the only dishonest ones.’

‘They were.’ We turn toglare at each other. ‘I was honest with you from the start.’

I laugh. ‘You weren’t even honest with yourself.’ I see her bristle and take a slight step back, but I think fuck it, as we seem to be back to square one, I don’t need to hold anything back. ‘You’re pissed with me because I lied to keep you close. Not to fuck you, Missy, I said what I said because I wanted you in my life. I was scared of you walking away, and I know I fucked up. You told yourself and me, and everybody fuckin’ else, that you didn’t want a relationship, that we were just casual, nothin’ serious, just sex, but that was a lie, Miss. We were in a relationship from the first time we kissed, right there.’ I point to the wall behind her and notice the flush of pink on her cheeks. ‘You can make me the bad guy all you want but don’t act like you were innocent in this. Your words might have said casual, but your actions said we could have had forever. Maybe we should have stuck with hating each other.’

She doesn’t say anymore as I turn and walk away. I guess we’re done.

He Is So Over My Shit

Missy

‘You’re dead wrong,Miss.’

I was spitting mad by the time the girls arrived at my place for girls’ night. Jonah is at Lynnie’s with Bowie for the night so we’re drinking and eatingallthe food while we talk and catch up, and I just caught them up on Nick.

Bree is pissed at me. Zoe too. Cara just looks a little sad.

‘He had a key to my place, Bree, and he never told me.’

‘Nah, I’m sorry, but you’re out of line, sweetie,’ Zoe adds from the tablet on the table. ‘I know he lied to you about the whole relationship thing, but, honestly, the man made a mistake because he wanted to keep you in his life. In my opinion, you should cut him a little slack for that. And the key, Miss, we might have known Nick forever, but you know him in ways we never have, and you know he would never use that key to get into your home.’

‘He should have told me.’

‘Yeah, and if he’d given the damn thing even a passing thought before seeing you locked out, he would have.’ Bree eyeballs me. ‘Missy, you’re reaching for things to stay mad at him, but if you let yourself, you and he could still have something special.’

‘I wish I’d never let him in.’

‘Liar.’ We all turn to Cara. ‘While you were doing what you were doing with him, you were always smiling — you were happy. He made you happy, and you know it. You have been in a bad mood now for weeks. If he walks into a room, you walk out of it, and you both look completely miserable. What’s the point?’

‘You have trust issues, Miss, and yeah, he should never have lied to you,’ Zoe says softly, ‘but he’s a good man. You know he is. You’re letting shit that has nothing to do with Nick blow up what you have with him.’

‘Had,’ I correct, sadly. ‘He was so mad at me today. He walked away furious.’

‘Well,’ Bree chimes in. ‘That’s because you accused him of something horrible.’ She puts her hand on top of mine on my dining table. ‘Nick cares about you, Missy, a lot, and he cares what you think of him. Right now, he thinks you see him as someone you can’t trust, worse than that, someone who used you, someone whoinvades your privacy without invitation. You made him feel shitty about himself and, knowing Nick, knowing his principles, that’ll be hurting him something terrible.’

‘He said I lied to him, too,’ I admit, ashamed and bracing for impact, but they don’t say anything, not with their mouths anyway, the looks on their faces say it all. I did. ‘Doesn’t matter what epiphanies I have, girls. You didn’t see the way he looked at me. He is so over my shit.’

‘Love doesn’t just disappear because you had a falling out,’ Cara says softly, and my throat closes at the sound of the L word. ‘If he didn’t still care, he wouldn’t continue to fight you on it.’

Forever,he said. We could have had forever.

Even while I was accusing him of using the key to get into my place, I always knew he never would. I always knew I could trust Nick, then and now. I always felt safe with him.

I knew why he lied. If I’m honest, I knew even back then that hehadlied. I saw it in his eyes. I knew he wanted more, but just like he was scared of me walking away, I was scared too. I enjoyed his company. I enjoyed his body, and I wanted more even while I was telling him and myself that I didn’t. I still want more. I still want him, and that terrifies me.

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