Page 11 of Sticking Out

“It’s Saturday night, and we just won the cup, so my schedule is pretty free.” I open my mouth and his eyes go wide, stopping me before I tell him what he should be doing with his schedule. That’s when another thought hits. If he does decide to help a girl out, I really don’t want him sleeping with other women. It has nothing to do with jealousy. Hell no. I just need his sperm strong and abundant.

“Okay, we should get going.” Conner takes the salad and we head outside. The warm sun beats down on us and I lift my face to the sky as Conner locks up behind us. Neighbors wave as we walk to the car and I grin. Conner is a superstar even in his own backyard. “What are you grinning about?” he asks.

I laugh. “Nothing.” Honestly, I like how he takes it all in stride. He always has and while I admire that, I think Alec might have been a bit jealous of his kid-brother’s successes. I’d never tell Conner that. He adored his big brother.

He puts the salad on the back seat and I slide into the passenger seat. As we back out, he glances at my bus parked beside the house. “I still can’t believe you drive a bus.” He laughs. “Actually, I think it’s kind of cute.”

He grins at me, and it does weird things to my insides. I take a fast breath and remind myself that he’s not flirting or hitting on me. He never has and never will. We don’t have that kind of relationship.

He goes quiet, too quiet, and I glance at him, noting the way his grip is tight on the steering wheel. I sink into my seat to leave him with his thoughts, because I know exactly what he’s thinking about and I don’t want to sway him. If he wants to do this, it has to be his decision.

He flicks the signal, turns right and his gaze slides my way, worry in his eyes. “Dani.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry in-vitro didn’t work. I know you were really excited about being a mom.”

“Yeah, I spent a small fortune only for it to fail.”

“If it’s money?—”

“Honestly, Conner. I want my baby to know its father. Someday down the road, I want to be able to tell him or her about their father, and how awesome he is.”

“Wait, if I do this, you make it sound like I’m not going to be in the picture.” The lines around his eyes deepen as fear moves over his face and my heart jumps. “Are we not going to be friends anymore? If that’s the case?—”

I put my hand on his arm. “No, Conner. That’s not what I’m saying.” I swallow. How do I say this? “It’s just…you don’t have to be involved. The child never even needs to know.” He clenches and the muscles along his jaw ripple. Oh, great. That didn’t come out right, and now he’s upset.

“You think I’m going to have a baby and then have nothing to do with it?”

From the look on his face, it’s clear he’s more hurt than angry. “Conner, what I’m saying is how much involvement you have is up to you. I know you always talked about a family of your own when we were younger. I’m not certain you want that anymore…” I pause when the muscles along his jaw clench. What happened to change his mind? I don’t ask, but instead I continue with, “I don’t want you to feel pressured into taking any kind of responsibility if you don’t want it.”

“What if I want to feel responsibility? What if I want to be in the child’s life?”

“Then we figure it out.”

Something dark, and worrisome crosses his face. “You know…my DNA is not Alec’s DNA. I don’t…I’m not smart like he was and I’m always losing things. You know that.”

Oh God, he can’t think he’s stupid, can he? “You just weren’t book smart in school, Conner. That doesn’t mean you’re not smart. You’re one of the smartest guys I know and everyone loses things.” I wink at him. “Some just more than others.” I do remember him losing all the things he loved most. He was always active and on the go, but I have to admit, he did misplace things a lot.

He rubs the back of his neck and there’s something there in the depths of his eyes, something he’s not telling me as he forces a laugh. “You’re just saying that because you’re trying to get into my pants.”

I laugh at that. “I would never lie to you and you are smart.” A beat of silence, and in a soft voice I begin again. “Conner, just know I don’t ever want you to do something you’re not comfortable doing. It’s okay to say no. I promise I’ll understand and I promise nothing is ever going to come between us.”

He nods, and his brow is furrowed when he asks, “You don’t want to date again?”

“Have you seen what’s out there?” I huff out. I haven’t really been looking, to be honest. At least not on the apps, and the guys I do encounter at the grocery store—the only place I really go anymore—are shopping for their families.

He laughs. “I guess once you’ve had the love of your life, everything else pales, huh?” He glances at me, and I turn to look out my passenger window. I mumble my agreement under my breath, and push down the unease creeping up my neck.

It’s not like I can tell him that I started dating Alec simply because he paid attention to me. He was popular and smart and every girl wanted him, yet he wanted me. For the first time in my life, I felt special and this all happened shortly after Conner ignored the heartfelt letter I left on his bed. I might have been a bit broken at the time and Alec’s attention helped put the pieces back together.

“Dani?”

A little embarrassed and a whole lot flustered, because I can feel his eyes drilling into the back of my head at my non-answer, and evasiveness, I blurt out, “Maybe my body only liked Alec’s sperm.” Oh, my God, what the hell am I saying?

“Ah, okay.”

“I mean all that in-vitro. It didn’t work. I’m just saying that Alec and I didn’t have a lot of sex. So, I was surprised that I got pregnant when it was so infrequent, and I have an ovulation app and have been taking hormones to help me get pregnant, and yet it’s not happening.” Okay, now I’m rambling, and Conner knows me well enough to know I ramble when I’m uncomfortable.

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