Page 21 of False Start

“Both?” I ask, totally dumbfounded. He didn’t tell me. He was keeping more secrets from me?

“I’m sorry, Vaughn . . .”

I stand up from the chair, my heart in my throat because I don’t understand how he could lie to me so much. I thought we told each other everything. Hiding his sexuality from me, I’m trying to understand, but this? This makes no sense to me.

“Why?” I spin around to face him, seeing he’s standing right behind me.

“Because I need to do this on my own. It’s not that far away. Two-hour drive.”

He says that like it’s nothing. “Four hours from home.”

He looks stricken with guilt now, and I hate it. Hate that he won’t just talk to me. “This doesn’t really feel like home to me.”

“What?” I feel like that’s all I’m able to say. “How can you say that?”

“Because it’s true, and I know I owe you the truth.”

“Yeah, for once.” I don’t feel great about saying that, but it’s true. He’s been lying to me for months.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop saying that,” I command, and he plops back down in his chair, pushing his fingers through his hair, looking far too defeated for my liking. I sit down next to him again. “Why can’t you go to the same college as me?”

“Because we do everything together.”

“And that’s a bad thing?”

I watch him take his time with his answer. Being careful. I hate that. “It can be.” I wince, and his eyes meet mine. “I need to do this alone.”

“Why? So you can date? You can date with me around. I’ll be totally cool. I swear.”

He snorts a quick laugh at that, but he’s not laughing at me. At least I don’t feel like he is. “It’s not that. I just... I need some space.”

“From me?” It feels like he’s sliced my heart in half, and it makes it hard to breathe. I’m so damn confused. “Where did this all come from?”

“It’s been there for a while.” He won’t look at me now, instead looking out over the sky.

“Austin, look at me.” He does but so very slowly. “Did I do something?”

“No,” he answers instantly, but it doesn’t make me feel any better. “You didn’t. Of course you didn’t. You’ve been the best friend a guy could ask for. You’ve been amazing.”

“But yet, you still want to get away from me.”

“No. It’s not about that, Vaughn.”

“You said you need space from me.” I try not to sound hurt, but I know I failed.

“I need space from everything. I need to go to college and have my own experience. Figure out exactly who I am, away from here. That’s what college is about. At least it is to me.”

“You’re Austin.” I say it like it’s the most simple answer, and to me, it is. He’s my best friend. Who loves to read and hates sports. Who secretly loves horror movies, even though he tells everyone they’re stupid. His favorite color is dark green, and I think it’s because it makes his eyes pop. He loves to swim,and when we were younger, I used to have to bribe him to do anything else in the summer.

“I am, but I need to figure out who I am when I’m not here, and who I am without...”

“Me,” I answer for him because I could feel it coming.

He nods his head slowly, and I feel like I’m going to puke. I fold my arms over my stomach and hope I don’t actually hurl. “It’s not going to change anything. We’ll always be friends. It’s two hours away, Vaughn. I’ll come see you, and you can come see me.”

“Everything will change.” I’m not the smartest guy, but I know that much.

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