Page 22 of False Start

“It won’t. I promise you.” He looks so serious, like he believes that.

“Are you sure you have to do this?”

His eyes search my face and roam over my eyes before he slowly nods his head. “I have to. I didn’t know how to tell you, but it doesn’t mean I wanted to keep it from you. I just didn’t want to hurt you.”

“Okay,” I say, my throat actually aching. “If this is what you need, then I understand.”

“Thank you,” he says softly and then pulls me into a hug. I hold onto him probably a hell of a lot tighter than is comfortable for him.

But the lie burns my insides.

Because I’m anything but okay right now, and I don’t understand a damn thing.

12

AUSTIN

The summer flew by way too fast. And Vaughn and I made every second of it count. I’m not really sure who was more needy this summer, him or me. It doesn’t really matter.

We both know that tomorrow, we’re leaving for college—going to two separate towns—and it’s probably going to be awhile before we see each other. Telling him I’m not going to the same college as him was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. The look of hurt in his eyes—it haunts me.

Especially because I didn’t tell him the whole truth. He just thinks I’m going to try to discover myself—which is true. But I also just can’t stand being this close to him and not having him.

I can’t tell him that though. I can’t risk him hating me. This summer has pretty much confirmed that for me. Getting to spend all this free time with my best friend. Going swimming in the lake and camping out a ton. Hanging with Vanessa, and even Katie has become a pretty good friend over the summer.

I think we’ve all been wrapped up in the nostalgia. Knowing we’re heading on to our next chapter.

We set up a tent in our spot and get a fire going with our chairs close enough to it to roast marshmallows, but not so close the smoke makes us sick. It’s a weird feeling, sitting here in a place so familiar—knowing it will be a while before I’m back here. It’s strange because part of me is excited about that fact—doesn’t want to be here again for a while. But the other part of me is mourning a loss. Knowing what I’m losing.

I look over at my best friend—he’s happy like always—but there’s a sense of sadness there. He’s lost in thought, and I’m okay with sitting here silently for a little while too, lost in my own. I’m ready to get out of my parents’ house, even though I love them. I’m excited to get out of this town and be around people who don’t know everything about me. Who I didn’t go to school with.

I want to learn what the world is like outside this town. I want to go to bookstores and get coffee. I want to walk around campus and explore all kinds of different classes until I choose a major.

But when I look at Vaughn, I can’t help but worry about him. He likes the small-town life. He loves being surrounded by people who have known him since birth. He’s used to being popular and having people fawn all over him—I have no doubt he’ll find that in college—but he has to be open to it.

And the way he’s looking out at the horizon right now, I think it’s going to be a hard-fought battle. A war with himself.

“What are you thinking about?” I have to ask—I have to know.

He turns to look at me, the worry written on his face. “Do you really have to do this? Go to a different school? Leave me behind?”

The hurt on his face is killing me. I know he isn’t trying to make me feel guilty. It’s just—Vaughn wears his feelings right there on his face. He knows he can’t lie to me, and I’m not surehe would even if he could. “I’m not leaving you behind. You’re going too.”

“But not to the same school,” he points out. “You purposely chose a different school than me. Knowing I’m locked into State.”

He’s not wrong, and I know it hurts. I didn’t do it to hurt him, but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t. “I’m sorry I hurt you.” It feels like all I can really say. The only reason I’m sorry about the choice I made is because it makes him sad. I know in my gut it’s the right move for me. And maybe even for him in the long run. We may be just a bit too codependent. He needs to see he’ll be okay without me.

“I just want to make sure you’re totally sure. It’s not too late. You could change your mind.”

He’s killing me here. I can see the look on his face, him flat-out begging me to go to the same college, and honestly, it’s hard for me not to agree. Just to see that infectious smile again and tell him I’ll go to school with him, but I know I need to stay strong. It will hurt now, but in the long run, it’ll be so much better. “I can’t,” I say softly.

He stands up abruptly, walking away from me but spinning around to look over at me. “Because you want to date, right? And you think I’ll get in the way of that.”

Partially, yes, but it’s so much bigger than that. It takes everything in me not to blurt that out and to only slowly stand up instead of rushing over to him. “I want to date, sure.”

“You can date someone at State. It doesn’t have to be at KU.”

The two colleges are the biggest in the state, but they’re different. State is more agriculture. More like home. Conservative. KU, it’s different. “I think I may be more likely to find my type at KU.” I don’t want to make this all about dating because it isn’t. “I think the college just fits me better, Vaughn. Idon’t want to become a veterinarian. I don’t want to study grain science.”

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