Page 43 of Never Say Yes To Your Brother's Best Friend

“You’re probably right. Maybe it’s not a good thing to be constantly looking over their shoulder.”

I’m confused by the rebuff. Why are things between us suddenly colder than a penguin chilling on an iceberg? Was it the sex? Was it because I’ve been too frank and open? Is he withdrawing because it’s safer to go and hide in order to prepare for another attack and onslaught? Is he feeling confused? Is he hurting? Is he angry? I can’t freaking tell. I don’t want to be clingy, but I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like not knowing. It makes me feel nasty and bad inside.

Rick walks out of the kitchen, and I hear him going upstairs. I want to give him space, but a few minutes later, I find myself tracing the same path to his office.

The door is open, and he’s leaning back in his chair with it facing the window and watching the crew moving around the backyard. They look like they’re just mapping things out right now. Planning. I can see them gesturing and pointing things out to one another.

I lean against the doorframe. My arms are crossed but still casual.Oh, by the way, I followed your salty self in here, and we’re going to talk even if you don’t want to. But don’t worry, I’m going to try and make it as pain free as I possibly can.

“I know you think you’re a lean, mean killing machine, but you truly are adorable too.” There. If this is what’s bothering him, then we’re having it out. It’s not going to linger in silence between us anymore. I’m not the kind to drag out fights that aren’t even fights. Things don’t fester with me because I don’tgive them a chance. I’m not above giving someone time. Time is a great thing. But not too much time.

He leans back in his chair, but his body goes on high alert. All his muscles tense even though he’s giving off thoseI’m totally casual over here, I don’t care about anything, I’m all goodvibes. “I certainly am not.”

“You certainly are. Haven’t you heard the expression ‘get you a man who can do both’? You can do and be both.”

“I disagree,” he grunts.

“Well,Ican find you adorable.”

“Don’t forget that finding me adorable has an expiration date.”

There it is. We haven’t talked about that since before the sex. I know I said it wouldn’t change anything. Last night, Rick stalked the house and probably sat up all night in his office the same way he usually does, keeping guard when it’s not necessary or avoiding the things from his past. Things he doesn’t want creeping up on him in his unguarded, defenseless moments.

I hold fast to what I said. I’m not someone who says one thing and then hopes it means another. I’m not into playing games. My family taught me to be a pretty straight shooter. In our house, you could always talk about how you were doing, what you were feeling, and what you had going on, and it was more than okay to ask for support.

So I’m not going back on it, and I’m not pulling a sticky, tricky, fast one, but I’d be okay if there were a new development too. I think. Ugh, for the love of chicken drumsticks, I’m not sure what I think. I’m kind of an internal mess right now. If my life is a recipe, I think that with all the recent ingredients, I can’t hope to turn out a masterpiece that’s well put together. I should expect a goulash. Or maybe I’m a pan scramble. Maybe I can be okay with that. Maybe Iamokay with that. But I’m not okay with Rick being a jerk about it though. He can be nice if he wants to be. Hedoesn’t have to be so direct and poke a finger straight into the bruise.

“Technically, it doesn’t,” I counter. His eyes flash. We’re fighting the same fight here, but he’s looking at me right now like I might be a potential adversary, and he’s very wary about this. “I’m not playing games, Patrick McDonald. That’s not my style. The marriage has an expiration date. We both agreed to it. And if we’re not in agreement about extending it, then that’s fair. But me finding you adorable? We agreed to be a part of each other’s lives after this, so I’m afraid you’re stuck with me.”

“Baby goats are adorable,” he huffs. He spins his chair around and gives me his back, which literally hits me straight in the chest as a bombardment of emotion. Rick will never show someone his back—his most vulnerable spot—unless he trusts them. “I’m more like a snake.”

“I’m sure baby snakes are adorable.”

“Baby snakes grow up to be big enough to swallow a crocodile.”

“Those are adorable too. Big snakes, small snakes. Small crocodiles, big crocodiles.”

The chair whips around. I’ve clearly pissed him off with my obstinacy, but you know what? I’m not sorry. If he’s looking for a worthy opponent, then I’m going to be one, but only because we truly are fighting for the same thing in the end. I hope it’s his happiness. And I hope it’s my happiness too. I hope we might somehow find that together, even if it’s just as pen pals.

Oh, for the love of big snakes, we can’t be just pen pals.

Fuck it, I’m moving here.

I’m going to make good on my threats. Rick needs someone close to him. Or I’m going to ask him to come to Atlanta. Maybe he’s only being so edgy right now because he’s started to open up, and it’s painful, and he thinks he’s going to be hurt. He thinks I’m just going to move on and leave him and forget him,except when it comes to dropping him a line every now and then to talk about nothing at all.

Well, he can think again.

Because it’s not happening.

“Is this really just about sausage rolls? Fine, I’ll have one. I’ll even have two. Or three. If you just promise to leave me alone for a few hours to enjoy the creation of my pool.”

“You truly can’t do that with me? Enjoy something?” I ask.

“I can’t enjoy it if you’re going on about how adorable lethal creatures are.”

“They can be both,” I insist.

“You are one of the most maddening people I’ve ever met. Your brother was decidedly not like that at all. He was one of the least stubborn people I ever met.”

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