Page 20 of Saber's Surrender

“That’s something to ponder if he rears his snarky side again,” I chuckle.

“It’s bound to happen,” Harper adds. “Men can’t seem to help themselves.”

“Anyway,” I say, waving my hand through the air. “Do you really think we can have this wedding planned and ready to go by the weekend? It seems like there’s a lot to do. I thought we were going to keep this more intimate.” I don’t voice that their ideas are outlandish considering this isn’t a love union, it’s a marriage of convenience so we can help Canyon and Egypt stay out of the foster care system.

“As many of us as there are, this is gonna be a piece of cake,” Rory, who’s Banshee’s old lady, states, clapping her hands together. “Besides, it sounds like a lot, I know, but we’ve got connections in town because of all the catering we’ve had done over the years. Those folks salivate when one of us calls and says, ‘I need blah blah blah’ before they’re falling all over themselves to make sure it happens.”

“It’s good to have contacts like that. I never had any occasions to need professional assistance before so I’m glad you ladies have made those connections,” I state.

“So, I’ll get the chairs and tables out of storage and see if they need a coat of paint to refresh them,” Ryleigh says. “Belle, you’re in charge of the flowers. Laney, you’re in charge of refreshments.” I tune out most of the conversation as I think about the guests that’ll be attending. Primarily Canyon because we’re doing this for him. I must not be caught on that train of thought long because Selah’s voice echoes through my ears and has me snapping back into the here and now.

“Moira and I will get the cake ordered,” Selah adds.

I don’t really know Moira’s story, it’s not any of my business even if I am curious, but she’s definitely shy and sticks like glue to either Belle or Selah whenever they’re in the room. The fact that she doesn’t disagree with Selah tells me that they’re close. I know her old man, Kracken, is very protective of her, as are several of the other brothers.

“We just need to get a dress for you,” Harper says. “I think we need to go shopping!”

There are a few groans, including from me because I’m not a shopper seeing as I buy my scrubs online since I’m working more often than not, but most of the women are down for a shopping trip. This should be interesting given the fact that the wine has been freely flowing, but they’re right. I do need to wear something other than my typical hospital attire. Not only that, but when I’m not on shift, I’m in casual clothes, like T-shirts and jeans, or leggings and oversized shirts.

“Nothing too fancy,” I caution the women. “No long trains, or veils, because that’s just not me.”

“We have a shop in town that has all kinds of formal looking dresses. Maybe something simple that’ll work for a wedding?” Ryleigh asks. “What about Egypt? Do you know what size she wears?”

I shake my head because we’re still waiting to hear back from Mrs. Tremain as to whether or not RiffRaff and Jillian will be taking the kids into their home.

“I think, given the circumstances, Egypt should just wear something she already has,” Jillian says. “We’ve talked to the social worker and are waiting on a few things but it looks good for them to be placed with us.”

Well, she just answered my unasked question, which is good. “Jillian, if y’all do get them, are they going to let you get their things from their house?”

That’s a huge concern for me. Not because of the cost of replacing everything they own, but because I think they’ll feel better if they have their own stuff around them. Things their parents have bought or given them, pictures of them in happier times. All the minutiae of their everyday lives as they adjust to their new normal.

I’m a creature of comfort and if they are too, being surrounded by memories and items that bring smiles to their faces are things I want for them. Growing up, I didn’t have the luxury of parents who cared about my feelings and seeing as Canyon and Egypt had that and then lost it in a traumatic way, they need to be reminded of the love Mr. and Mrs. McAllister had for their children.

My body may have carried Canyon, and I loved him every time he stretched inside of my womb, but I haven’t been the woman who kissed and bandaged his scraped knees and held him whenever he had a bad dream, so I’m not the woman he knew as his mom. For now, all I can hope for is to be his friend and help him with his future heartbreaks and help him work through all the hardships life will someday toss his way.

When we break up for the evening, I’m left alone as I watch my newfound friends’ old men hold them as they head for their homes. I gave up on any dreams I had when I was a kid of finding my white knight and having him take care of me the way the men are these women, but now that I’ve seen what true love and devotion looks like—I want it. It may be a pipe dream but I still find myself longing for it.

“What the hell?” I say looking down at my body only finding that it isn’t my own. “Okay, this is some Twilight Zone shit.”

“You need to be in his mind and know what he went through before you can understand and help him heal,” Wrecker’s voice trickles through my mind.

“What?” I ask, so damn confused I can’t even begin to understand what sort of madness this is. “Why do I have a dick?” I reach down and grab the zipper, tugging on it only to screech when I must’ve tugged a little too hard because I feel the pain as if it’s my own.

“Silence your thoughts and listen,” Wrecker orders.

“For fuck’s sake,” I hiss, my voice coming out masculine. Looking around my surroundings, I find myself standing in the hovel Weston and I once lived in. When I hear my own voice talking to me… damn this is jacked up, I lift my head and watch as frustrated tears trickle down my face.

It’s like looking at myself in a mirror as I relive that horrid day. “Saber,” I beg. “Please understand.”

“Understand? Understand what? You want to give away our child” the body I’m inhabiting hisses. I let my mind sink back into the background and do as instructed, pay attention to Saber’s feelings and begin to understand what true heartbreak is. His internal monologue also penetrates my brain and my chests sinks into my feet when I grasp the reason this fucked him up at the level it did. I never knew how deeply being abandoned affected him. It hurt him on such a molecular level that he never got over it.

I let the conversation we had once upon a time be in the background as I tune in on his emotional state. Now I get that it’s not anger that’s held him hostage, it’s shock, torturous grief that the one person he always believed would have his back and want the best for him turned their back on him.

“Oh, Weston,” I internally cry. “What did I do to you?”

“It wasn’t all one-sided,” Wrecker advises. I hear him but don’t fully grasp what he’s trying to tell me since my heart is shattering at what I unintentionally did to Weston.

I feel him putting up walls and shutting down all emotion when it comes to me. He’s numb and his feelings for me turn from admiration to a blank void. Feeling it sends a shiver through me. I lost him that day in such a way that I don’t think I’ll ever get him back.

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