Page 5 of To Have and to Hold

“You want one?” he asked, and I shook my head on instinct before realizing he couldn’t see me anyway.

I stepped forward, and this time, I nodded. I couldn’t smoke it, Rafe would be able to smell it, taste it, and I didn’t want that. “Yes, yes please,” I responded, looking the waiter up and down. He could work. He showed just enough bravery in talking to me,not mentioning that I’d followed him to escape for a moment. I wasn't sure if every single person here was part of their church, if the waiters and staff and all the plus ones belonged too, but it wasn't worth the risk of asking, however desperate I was to know just how deep this all went.

I scanned the concrete balcony, with the dreary stairs that led down to a parking lot, and a side view of the sand and the ocean. I could just make a run for it and drown myself. This compound was in the middle of nowhere, so the stars glittered freely, unhindered by light pollution. It was a damn pretty place to go. Tears welled up in my eyes as I looked up and out, dreaming of what I could have had. If only I hadn’t been born into this family. This life.

I knew I needed to carve out moments for myself, vindication when I could. But there was no way. It wasn’t possible. Rafe had me.

“Your husband is much older than you,” the server said, handing me a lit cigarette. I held it to my lips, didn’t inhale, just tasted the bitter smokiness.

“Yeah,” I huffed out with a humorless laugh. That was an easy damn observation to make. But when I got closer to the server, my resolve wavered. He wasn’t much younger than Rafe. His fingers were yellowed from the cigarettes, and the idea of asking him to touch me made me recoil.

My heart sank. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I came out here,” I admitted.

The server smiled, sucking on the last ebbs of his cigarette. “We all need a breather sometimes.” He stepped forward and patted me on the shoulder. “I won’t tell anyone you’re here.”

Then he disappeared, slipping back through the heavy door at the same moment my knees buckled beneath me and I fell to the dirty floor, no doubt scuffing up the white of my dress as I landed with a crunch on the concrete. A sob wracked fromme, the first I’d allowed. Ever since they’d told me this fate, I’d sought ways to keep hold of myself, desperate to cling to things, to claim over him. But this was it. There were no more options. If I could even have brought myself to risk asking a total stranger to… to take my virginity, it wouldn’t have been good enough. Not loving, just as cold, as brutal, as it would be with Rafe in a few hours.

I was through. It was done. There was nothing left but to continue the ride through my fate. So I let myself cry, mascara streaming, white dress dirtying, chest aching tears on a dirty balcony far from my wedding party. I was debating running off into the ocean to drown when the door opened behind me. I stiffened.

“Vi?” a soft voice muttered, and the door snicked shut as footsteps grew closer.

I gulped back the next sob, choking and spluttering to stop myself. “Theo,” I said, but it didn’t come out collected like I hoped, no, it was pathetic, desperate. I barely had time to register him in my presence before he was on me, on his knees in front of me, scooping me into his arms and tipping my head up with his thumb under my chin to study me.

“What is it?” he asked as I let myself sink onto him.

“I— I—” The words wouldn’t come, stuck in my throat. So he held me, pulling me into him further and letting me cry onto his white shirt, soaking the material as he soothed, stroked the back of my head, his fingertips brushing over the ornate hairpin holding my curls up. He played with the intricate pearls before tracking down to my neck, over my shoulders. It was a long motion, but it was grounding.

“What I said earlier still stands,” he murmured, his tone harsh, when he’d succeeded in calming me. “Shit, Vi, this isn’t okay.”

“There’s nothing to be done.”

“Rafe is a dangerous man.”

I scoffed into his shoulder. “You don’t need to tell me that,” I said. “It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.”

Theo pulled away, his hands cupping my cheeks as he forced me back just enough that he could see my snotty, blotchy face again. He frowned, that look of deep thought one so familiar from when I was smaller. He wasn’t around much now, but when we were kids, we’d be allowed to play a little. This was the face of the boy who couldn’t decide what move to make in monopoly. It made the corner of my mouth tip up. Like when we’d play hide-and-seek, and I tucked myself up in the leaves of a tree, I watched him for what felt like hours as he hunted for me across the garden, the divot between his eyebrows stronger each time he passed.

“What?” he asked, even more baffled.

“Thank you for being here for me,” I replied. “For everything, for the phone, the—”

“It’s not enough,” he spat back before I could finish. “If I could do more, I would. I want to. I will—”

“Theo, stop,” I halted him this time, my hands moving to his chest to steady him. His heart was pounding beneath my palm, his skin almost too warm, worked up. I studied his face with care then, coming out of my own selfish funk to take my brother in better. His bottom lip was a little swollen, his cheek red, and his hair disheveled. “What happened?” I asked with a shock.

“No, nothing. Don’t worry about me.”

But I was. He was one of the few people who actually had compassion for me, how could I not worry? “Tell me,” I demanded, and his eyes widened a fraction, a hint of mirth in them.

“You tell me what you need,” he threw back. “I’ll do anything for you.”

My mind went dark. Jumped straight to the thing I’d been contemplating, despising myself for. But the truth was, he wasthe only man in my life I could trust. Not a skeezy waiter who showed the tiniest amount of humanity. Not the bodyguard I’d been eyeing in the days leading up to leaving the UK. The only person in this entire building, this entire planet, I believed wouldn’t tell any of my secrets, would listen to me, understand me and why I wanted what I was about to ask for. And would maybe want to destroy the churches plans a little too. He wavered, whenever vows or duty was mentioned, I saw it in the twitch of his brow. Charlie, father, they lived for it. Theo? My mother? Not so much.

So I sucked in a deep breath and took a step towards ruining the only good thing I had going.

Desperation was a funny thing.

“I’m a virgin,” I whispered, though it was no secret. “I don’t want to be when Rafe takes me.”

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