Page 4 of To Have and to Hold

By the time I was left alone at last, the party was in full swing at a beach club house on the same compound of church land, huge and sweeping, so grand it bordered on ridiculous. But we fit. In our expensive cars and high-quality finery, my family looked right, and so did his. Swarms of staff kept the hundreds of guests fed and watered with the booze I wasn’t allowed to drink in this country I was supposed to call home now. I tried to focuson each guest, to decide how involved they were, how insular thischurchwas – did they all know? Did they all benefit?

All the pomp was over, and no one was giving any attention to me in my massive white dress. Rafael had abandoned my hand hours ago, shmoozing with whoever and ignoring me in my quiet corner. Not even my mother or my sisters were paying me any mind. It was blissful, this loneliness. I dreamed up scenarios of blood pouring from the ceiling, a rampage that would leave me coated in red, all these evil, void men dead.

Only Theo showed any emotion towards me. He kept catching my eye and fighting to hold his frown back. I knew what he saw. It was what everyone else did, but he was the only one who seemed bothered by it. A bride, devastated by her husband, forced to marry a man old enough to be her father. Sickened. Trapped. I let my mind wander to that secret wish I had. This was my last chance, but all the men here must either Rafe’s lackeys or family. My heart was halfway to sinking when a shadow moved over the table, flickering under the disco lights.

“Hey, little sis,” Theo said, sidling up next to me and plopping himself down on the adjacent chair. He slid his drink across to me, nodding his head for me to have a sip.

“Hi, Theo,” I said back, lifting the glass to sniff it. Sharp, smoky whisky stung my nose. I chugged it. It reminded me of our father, who often made me serve him so I couldpractice being submissive. He’d never let me drink, but that didn’t mean I never had, swigging the bottle where no one could see me when he made me go and fetch him another drink, off from our dining room, to take the edge off. “Cheers.”

Theo snorted. “Cheers.” And settled back in the chair, spreading his legs and draping himself like he was the lord of the manor, watching my face carefully, like he wanted me to break the ice. He maintained a relaxed vibe even now.

Instead, I returned the drink to him, licking the sharp liquid off my lips. He smiled, nodded and tore his gaze from me, his head moving a second before his eyes, like he was trying to catch me out.

"You eaten anything?" he asked, keeping his eyes on the crowd as they drifted. No one was dancing, but the floor was full of a strange mix. Schmoozers, hoping to get into Rafe's favor, or the nervous, trying to keep his attention off themselves. My father was in that mix, my brother too, wishing that the schmoozers and fearful were paying any attention to them.

But our domain wasn't on this side of the Atlantic.

"No," I responded, shaking my head. "I couldn't stomach it. Or, you know, it wasn't clear…" I trailed off, wincing. One of my mother's biggest irritations with me was any time I ate, how my body clung to fat. My body's slow metabolism pissed her off because it meant I was thicker. She practically starved me to keep me slim, and it still didn't work.

Theo cussed and muttered under his breath. "Those fuckheads." He moved to stand. "If you wait here I'll go track you something down."

I grasped his arm, halting him. "Please don't," I asked, my desire for no attention drilled so deep into me even the stomach aching hunger wouldn't have me asking anything of him. "I can wait until later. I'm sure the hotel will have something."

"Hotel?" Theo asked, sinking back down and frowning.

"Uh, yeah, with Rafe…" I winced again, my stomach squeezing up anew when Theo's body tensed up, the muscles in his jaw feathering. "It's not a problem…" I whispered, trying to soothe him.

"Vi…" His eyes were intense on mine as I shook my head, pleading with him to drop it.

I loved Theo. He was the only sibling that I ever connected with. It devastated me when I was fourteen and he left. He tookthe last of any love in that house with him, and everything since then had been quick, rushed moments.

So, in silence, for fear of being caught being too friendly, he settled back into his seat and faced away, and we watched the party. Every so often, Theo slid his drink over to me, and I realized it was being refilled with a flask from inside his jacket pocket. I saw a flash of his cigarettes there, too, and wanted one.

I may as well kill myself in a fun way rather than letting someone else do it for me. At least lungs turned to tar was my choice. Black lungs, squeezing and spasming, gasping for a breath that would never fully come. Would it hurt? Would it be too slow? It would take too bloody long.

“Theo,” a voice said, jolting me back to the room. My wedding. The party I should be in the middle of. It was our father and our brother, Charlie, standing with faint scowls on their faces. “We need to talk.”

“I was hanging with the bride,” Theo said, making no tracks to move. In fact, he seemed to settle in further, even going so far as to throw his arm around my shoulder. I shuddered at the touch, in the best way. It was so rare for someone who loved me to touch me. I would die for his embrace, his affection. I struggled not to whimper, nestle in deeper.

Father’s eyes tracked to where we made contact and they darkened further. “Come now, Theo,” he said through gritted teeth. “You don’t want to miss this.”

“What is this?” Theo asked, stiffening, with a look towards Charlie for more of an explanation.

“Negotiations,” Father replied, still not looking me in the eye even though I was begging him to. A million questions rolled through my head, but I knew better than to ask them.

Theo’s arm dropped from around my shoulder, and he stood, letting his hand land on my arm for one steadying moment.“What negotiations?” he asked, straightening himself out. Whatever it was, that word had triggered something in him.

“Let’s just put it this way,” Charlie said, speaking up at last. His voice made my skin crawl. “One sister down.”

Theo scowled, swore under his breath, then left with them, not turning back to look at me like I needed him to.

He did leave his whiskey though, and the flask, so I chugged it all down. Courage I was in desperate need of for what I was planning to do.

Forthelasthour,I’d watched a waiter moving through the vast room. He was twitchy, fiddling with some lint on his maroon jacket every few seconds like he didn't know what to do with himself. Twice, he left, returning looking more relaxed, so the third time he slipped from the room, I decided to follow him.

I trailed him, slinking through the shadows with ease, the pulsing lights and drunken hazes of everyone else making it easy. My legs carried me through the corridors, following the server through rooms and turnings I wasn’t paying any attention to. Then fresh air. Out into the chill of the night, with only a distant street lamp creating a subtle glow.

The server was there, leaning on the railing, lighting a cigarette.

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