Page 43 of Cold Threat

“But she didn’t murder one of our friends and the witness who put our attacker in prison.” River stood up and walked over to the corkboard, scanning the pictures again. Photos of horror and death. No wonder she had nightmares. She’d thought they’d left this behind when they walked away from the FBI. Now it was back again. She was tired of feeling responsible for bringing these monsters to justice. Would she ever have a normal life? What did that even look like?

“Maybe coming here was a mistake,” Tony said. “I’m sorry. I think it’s just too much.”

River turned back to look at him. “No. Don’t do that. I will not give in to the past. You’ve taught me that I don’t have to. I believe that Jesus has set me free, and I intend to have what He died to give me.” She walked over and sat back down in her chair. “I’m the one who’s sorry. I need you to promise me something. Promise me you won’t allow me to drift back into all of that again.I really want to be completely free. I want to live my life now. I want the nightmares to go away for good.” She forced herself to smile. She meant every word of what she’d just said. She’d hoped God would have delivered her in an instant. Made her instantly okay. But it seemed that many times healing was a process. One that she needed to work her way through.

“Okay, I hear you,” Tony said, smiling at her. “But just remember that faith doesn’t mean we have to find a way to struggle until we succeed. It actually means giving the struggle to Him and allowing Him to carry us through. Frankly, for some people, surrendering our pain is the most difficult thing we’ll ever do. It’s actually easier for us to accept the responsibility of our burdens and try to seek our own deliverance. We’re used to being strong. But our real strength is found in the acknowledging of our weakness and trusting in His strength.”

River could hear the Lord speaking to her through Tony’s words. This was who she was. The fighter. The one who struggled until she won. But God didn’t want that. He wanted surrender. Would she ever be able to do that? To trust someone labeledfatherwhen she had no trust in her earthly parent?

“I have a tough time with this,” River said haltingly. “Pretending I don’t isn’t honest, I guess. After my father left, I decided I had to be tough to make it through life. But then the Strangler entered my life. For the first time, our profile became a flesh-and-blood person. One I confronted personally. He didn’t live in just our reports. Everything suddenly became real. Too real. Now...” She gulped. “I ... I have nightmares about that night. I had one last night.” She looked over at Tony. He didn’t seem surprised.

“I hate that you’re going through that,” he said. He blinked away tears. There was no judgment. No condemnation. Not even a religious saying that made the situation worse. Just compassion. It was like a dam burst inside her.

“Tony, when I was in that chest with the water coming in ... I... I promised God that I’d follow Him if He saved me. But then I didn’t. I turned my back on Him. How could He forgive me? How could He look the other way when I lied to Him? I mean, He’s God.”

Until she felt something wet drop onto her hand, she wasn’t aware she was crying. Since she’d opened herself up to Him, she’d felt as if God was with her. That He answered her prayers. She’d even believed she’d heard His voice. But what if she was fooling herself? Her father’s church would have condemned her. Committed her to hell. No one could lie to God. She’d just said she didn’t want to live in the past, but her father’s voice still whispered in her mind, telling her she wasn’t good enough.

Tony pulled his chair up next to hers and took her hands in his. His long fingers completely wrapped around her smaller ones.

“River, what you’re saying in effect is that when Jesus went to that cross, even though He knew the horror of what He was going to endure for us, it wasn’t sufficient. That His sacrifice wasn’t enough to cover your mistakes. Is that what you really think?”

“No. No, I don’t believe that. He gave everything for us. For me. More than any of us could ever deserve.”

Tony gazed into her eyes. “Then it’s time for you to accept His sacrifice. For you. For me.”

“And...” River cleared her throat. She felt ashamed, but not in a condemning way. Somehow it felt like freedom. “And for my father. Christ gave enough for all of us, didn’t He?”

“You know the answer to that.” Tony raised her right hand to his mouth and lightly kissed it. “When we are deeply hurt, we may still have scars. And we don’t have to feel ashamed of them. We didn’t put them there, and we can’t heal them by ourselves. He has scars too, you know. No one understands scars more than Jesus. Someday you’ll barely notice yours. I promise that God will restore you, but He’ll do it in His own time and His own way. And that’s okay. Please stop punishing yourself for what someoneelse did to you. You turned away after getting out of that trunk because of what your father did to you. God understood it. He understands it more than anyone else.”

“I’ve always felt that I had to protect myself from ... well, from everyone.”

“But you don’t,” Tony said. “Not from Him. Just let Him in. He’ll help you let others in too. And He’ll give you what you need to respond to your dad. You’ll know when you’re ready.”

“Thank you, Tony. I’m going to try. I really am.” She gently slid her hands from his. “I want to call Mrs. Weyland, then we’ll finish this profile.”

Tony stood up and went back to his chair while River called home. She tried to concentrate on her conversation with Mrs. Weyland, but the spot on her hand where Tony had kissed her seemed to tingle, and she couldn’t stop thinking about it.

CHAPTER

TWENTY-FIVE

Oh, honey, we’re doin’ just great,” Mrs. Weyland said. “Neither one of us wants you to venture out in a snowstorm. You just come home when the roads are clear. We’re havin’ so much fun workin’ on puzzles and watchin’ Christmas movies. Tonight isWhite Christmas. It’s one of my favorites. Your mother is excited to see it too.”

“Thank you so much,” River said, thanking God silently for bringing this wonderful woman into their lives. “I’ll call you when I know for sure when we’re heading back.”

“That sounds good. Your mama wants to say hello to you. I’m gonna give her the phone, okay?”

“Sure.”

River wasn’t used to her mother being happy to talk to her. Or even liking her. Things had begun to change last month after River was almost killed. It was as if her mother suddenly emerged from the darkness of depression and anger and had finally begun to love her daughter. River knew she’d been talking to her brother, Dan, who had taken in her father after he had been dumped by his new wife when he ran out of the money he’d saved up for retirement. Now he wanted to visit Rose ... and River ... for what? Toask for forgiveness? River knew she had to give it, because Jesus had forgiven her. But how do you forgive someone when you don’t feel like it? Is mental assent enough? Would God accept that? Then something Tony had said echoed in her thoughts.

When we are deeply hurt, we still have scars. And we don’t have tofeel ashamed of them. We didn’t put them there, and you can’t heal them by yourself. But Godwill. He has scars too, you know. No one understandsscars more than He does.

Maybe she didn’t have to pretend that there wasn’t hurt. Maybe just agreeing to see her father was enough. She didn’t need to put on a show. She just had to do what she could and let God do the rest.

“River? Is that you, honey?”

River was startled by her mother’s sudden voice in her ear. “Hi, Mom. I called Mrs. Weyland to tell her that we probably won’t be home on Saturday. There’s a snowstorm moving in. It might be better if we wait until it’s past us.”

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