Page 12 of Memories with Fire

For a fleeting moment, I have the urge to scream the truth at him. To tell him how Luke is the one man I allowed myself to fall in love with. I may have been young, and our romance may have been short, but I know I loved the hell out of him, and I’ll never again find anything like what we shared.

I want to tell Nate I can’t do it. I can’t be part of Luke’s family because of what happened after that summer. When Luke left and never looked back. When he squashed every dream and plan we had by turning his back on me during the hardest time of my life. When he broke my heart so severely the only thing I’ve ever wanted since was to be alone, or with the safe choice I’d never truly love, just so I didn’t get hurt.

For only a second, I wish I could tell Nate that I don’t know how to talk to Luke without anger because that doesn’t feel safe. I don’t know how to be around him and keep my heart protected. I wish I could tell him that knowing Luke irrevocably changed me, my essence, my soul.

But I can’t. I don’t. I stay quiet, tamping down on my wants, needs, and wishes. Nate stares at me, gauging my reaction to him. I stare back, hoping my poker face is good enough that he doesn’t see any of my thoughts written there.

A sigh of defeat deflates him, and he sinks backwards into his chair. Again, I’m victorious in waiting him out, but I don’t feel like celebrating this time.

“Tell them to stand down, Hailey,” he says quietly, but with authority. “Tell them to give him a chance. Captain Bernard and I went through a lot of candidates looking for a replacement for Mac, and Luke was the best.”

I fight the urge to roll my eyes.

Nate reads it anyway. “He comes highly recommended from Texas, but it was more than that. When we interviewed him, he struck me as someone who would fit in with everyone on the team. If,” he pauses, ensuring he has my attention, “he’s given a chance.”

“Fine!” I snap, throwing my hands up. The tone in my voice, and the movement of my body, is so involuntary and unlike me that I surprise myself. The second I do it, I feel like a teenager throwing a temper tantrum. I’m a little mortified by my actions, but not enough that I quell the anger bubbling inside me. “I’ll tell them to knock it off. But if they don’t, it’s not my problem. Can I go now?”

Nate doesn’t deserve my attitude, but he takes it in stride. Instead of reprimanding me for it, which is certainly his right, he sighs but nods, waving his hand towards the door.

I’m halfway out of my seat when he says my name in such a way that I know I’m not going to be happy. I pause as I reach my full height.

“He’ll be at the engagement party tomorrow night,” Nate tells me, and I think, for just a second, he looks a little sheepish over the admission.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” I snarl, outraged that Nate would invite a complete stranger to the night he’s proposing to Savanna. A night that should be reserved for close family and friends. A night of intimacy.

The embarrassment is gone, replaced by that same stern look he’s had most of our meeting. “He’s part of the family, Hailey. I’m not going to have everyone at the firehouse there except for him. He’s to be included.”

“He doesn’t even know you and Savanna! You’re just going to invite him to the moment you pop the question to her?” I can’t believe this.

“If I hadn’t included Savanna when she was new in town, she wouldn’t be my future wife,” he says and for the first time since I came in here, I can hear a snippet of anger. “There was a time she didn’t know anyone, and you all welcomed her with open arms. I’d appreciate it if I saw those same people at the party tomorrow night.”

“You hope,” I sneer. When his eyes narrow incrementally at me, trying to figure out what I mean, I add, “You hope she’s your future wife. She hasn’t said yes yet.”

It’s a low blow. A shot I shouldn’t have taken. I know he’s nervous even if he has nothing to be nervous about. Savanna will say yes to him, we’re all sure of it. The girl is head over heels in love with Nate, and the two of them fit together perfectly.

I watch the frustration drain from his eyes, a flash of surprise, and then resignation replacing it. “You’re right.” His voice is so soft I barely hear it.

Instantly I feel like shit. I deserve to. I’m not a rebellious, defiant person. These feelings don’t sit well with me and I’m not handling them very well. “Nate, I’m sorry. That was uncalled for.”

“It’s fine,” he says with a shake of his head.

“No, it isn’t. I’m taking my anger out on you, and you don’t deserve it,” I tell him with a sigh. It’s the first acknowledgement to anyone that I’m angry.

“You know I’m a pretty good listener if you want to talk,” Nate offers, and I know he’s doing it as a friend first and a boss second.

I shake my head. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want people to know what happened between us. Nate wouldn’t tell anyone if I confided in him, but I don’t like to talk about it. There’s no point in opening up those wounds and rehashing the past. Still, I feel badly for how I’ve treated him, and while I’m not going to offer him any details, I decide to give him more than anyone else.

“Can we just leave it at you’re right?” I ask him earnestly. “I knew Luke a long time ago, but I don’t want to talk about it. I’ll work on getting over how I feel, and I’ll talk to everyone else about the way they’re treating him.”

Nate tries to hide it, but I see the flash of a smile before he smooths his expression out. He can’t hide it from his eyes, though. There’s victory there. “Deal.”

“I’m gonna go now,” I say, pointing towards the door. Giving Nate a slight smile that I don’t feel, I turn, but before I can even put my hand on the doorknob he stops me.

“Hails?”

Now we’ve definitely moved from boss to friend. He wouldn’t call me by my nickname otherwise. I glance back to him, eyebrow raised in question.

“You got any plans on Thursday?”

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