Page 59 of Broken Chorus

“Why not?” Hawk asked, running his hand down Aaron’s abs and stroking lightly.

“We’re not close that way, not anymore.”

“Bullshit.”

“Dude, he’s always pissed at me.”

“Because you’ve been an asshole lately, and you know it,” Hawk declared, gripping him a little tighter. “I can’t believe you actually stood in your hallway, on family dat, and told me that you weren’t comfortable singing in front of strangers. A band is family, always has been. You need to find a way to make it that way again.”

“Ourbandwasfamily, this band is…I don’t know, the vibe isn’t there.”

“Well no shit when you can’t even interact with them when you’re performing,” Hawk said. “And don’t forget that I’ve been on video chat for some of your practices, so I know how disjointed and tense they’ve been, especially during breaks.”

“Maybe because I can’t exactly head out to the balcony the way I’d like to, since that seems to be the go to spot for everyone and I…”

“You what?”

“I’ve been going back to my apartment to get a little space and to make food that doesn’t come out of a carton,” Aaron said. “Down there I can breathe easier and just relax and not have to worry about fucking up.”

“Sounds like that’s part of the problem right there,” Hawk said. “You’re thinking too hard instead of just being yourself.”

“Myself tends to piss people off.”

“Sometimes. But at least then you’re being genuine.”

“The only one whose ever wanted the genuine me is you and even that’s been iffy over the years,” Aaron said softly.

“Make no mistake,” Hawk began. “I’ve always wanted the genuine you, even when that person was buried under mounds of snark and an insufferably cocky attitude. It just took realizing that all the bullshit was covering up a boatload of insecurities for me to get off my ass and act on it.”

“Wish I could go back to managing that now.”

“Why?”

“So no one would see how scared I am at the thought of trying to be you.”

Grumbling, Hawk bit his shoulder, and he wasn’t gentle about it either.

“Owe! What was that for!” Aaron muttered, trying to squirm away and finding that he couldn’t go anywhere.

“Thinking you had to be me in the first place!” Hawk snapped. “That’s not what being the front man is supposed to mean. It’s supposed to be you up there figuring out how to make that spot your own. It’s no wonder you’re all spun up and in your head if that’s what you’re thinking about every time someone asks you to sing. Just be you for fuck’s sake and the rest of it will fall into place!”

“It’s not just the singing, it’s everything. You forget, I’ve spent years on a stage with you, I’ve seen the way you own the crowd, the way you keep the energy level high until just the perfect moment comes along to take it down a notch. I’ve seen how you are with the people, the way their eyes are drawn to you, the way they reach up hoping you’ll touch them, it’s magic, Hawk, and that ain’t me. I’ve never had that kind of charisma, and I never will. I’m okay with that. I always preferred backing you up and watching you own the crowd night after night.”

“If you think the only one the people were looking at was me, you’re crazy. We all have our fans or are you forgetting that the Slayers Inc. blog voted you guitarist of the year three times now?”

“Twice, technically,” Aaron reminded him. “You know that last time was a tossup and they gave the award to meandDez. To be honest, it should have just gone to him, especially after last year’s Rocktoberfest. The guy can seriously slay in a way that I’ll never be able to.”

“Oh, bullshit. Stop selling yourself short, stop putting yourself down and stop looking for reasons to quit and don’t tell me that’s not what you’re doing, I know you and I can see when you’re in a spiral, so I need you to focus on pulling out of it before you get into something that will derail all the progress you’ve made. You know exactly what I’m talking about too. Ray told me you ordered a shot the last time you went in there. He also told me that you didn’t drink it. I’m glad for that, but it worries me that you ordered in the first place.”

“I just wanted to smell it.”

“Why?”

“I just did, okay. I…I thought about drinking it. I wanted to but then I remembered the accountability pact I’d made with Kelly and didn’t want to have to go to him and tell him that I’d slipped up, especially after that bottle of Jack, so I passed it back across the bar and walked away.”

“Next time you get it in your head to do something like that, call me. I’ll give you four very good reasons not to.”

Sucking in a breath, Aaron sighed and pressed back against Hawk, savoring the feel of his arms holding him tight. “Okay.”

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