Page 44 of Fire Bound

Jax’s violet eyes scan my face like he’s watching all my neatly stitched up emotional wounds split open before him. He watches me bleed for him. “What happened, Remi? Just let it out.”

I wipe at my face even though there still aren’t tears. “You’re possibly the strongest person I’ve ever met, but you were losing. Youbothwere.” While Isabeau and Ransom were off dealing with Nessa and Beau’s brother, Alexandre, we were left to deal with dozens of feral wolves and vampires. For months, these monsters had been locked in storage containers. They were starved and taunted until there was nothing but savageness left. Their hunger and anger made them stronger than they should have been, but that was Nessa’s plan all along. “You were taking on three wolves, at some point you were knocked over. Each time you tried to stand or use hellfire to slip away, you were taken back to the ground. Ten yards from you, Gage was battling a couple of vampires. One of them had their arms around his middle. I could hear his bones breaking. I was equal distance between you both. I looked around to see if anyone else could help, but everyone was busy with their own monsters. His bones were breaking, his insides being crushed, and you were being torn to pieces by fangs and claws. The snow was so red beneath you. Gage locked eyes with me. They silently begged me to help him, but I—” I choke on a sob that rattles my chest. “I turned away from him. I turned my back on him and I saved you.”

Jax’s face drops. The sharp, blade-like angles of his face softening. The shiny, mischievous glint that is permanently in those purple eyes of his dim. For the first time in six months, he’s finally understanding the demons I’ve been carrying around.

“Do you want to know the worst part?” I ask before he has a chance to say something, because what could Jax say that could possibly make it better? Even if those words were,‘I’m sorry, I love you’it wouldn’t make it better because how am I supposed to be happy with Jax when it took Gage dying to get there? How thehellis that fair? “I tried to get to Gage after I killed the wolf that was on your back. I gave you just enough time to get to your feet and kill the other two. You didn’t even notice that I’d helped you because it happenedthatfast. I was five feet away from Gage when the vampire’s arms crushed his vital organs and his spine snapped.” The pained yelp that came from Gage’s wolf form replayed in my head for weeks. I heard it in songs, and I heard it in crowds. Ithauntedme. “As I stood there between you and Gage’s body, all I felt was relief. I was so relieved that you were alive and standing that I couldn’t process what had just happened. WhatI’ddone. But you were breathing and for that minute all I could feel wasrelief.” My hands shake at my sides. “Don’t worry, the all-consuming, soul crushing guilt eventually came. It’s too much. Feeling this way is just too much and I just want to…” I trail off because I’m not sure what I want.

Jax finally steps into my space and grips my face between his hands when I try to look away from him. “What do you want? Tell me what you need.”

“I just want to…scream.”

He smooths my hair away from my face. “So, scream,” he whispers. “Let it all out, the guilt, the anger, the pain, let it out,” he coaxes. “Give it to me. I’ll carry it all for you. It’s my fault, anyway, let me bear the weight now. If you really want it back, I’ll give some of it back later, but you don’t have to carry this all on your own anymore.”

I shake my head.

Jax drops his head, resting it against the side of his as he whispers in my ear, “Scream, Remington.” Body trembling against his, I give in to the emotions I’ve been fighting for months. They break free at a speed I have no hope of stopping.

“Scream.”

And I do.

Soul Crushing.

Earth shattering.

Haunting.

These are the only ways I can describe the sound that comes out of Remington as she finally lets go of the tight restraints she’s had on her emotions. Every bottled-up feeling, every repressed moment where she didn’t allow herself to feel the pain she’s in, comes out of her as she screams in my arms.

The sound splits through the trees and glides across the lake’s surface below us. The noise pierces my eardrums, but I can take the splintering pain for her. I’d let her slice me with hot blades if it made her feel better. It’s the least I can do since I’m the reason she feels this way.

I never wanted this for her. I thought by breaking her heart I was saving her from me. Despite my best efforts, I still ended up causing her more damage. She saved me even after I rejected her. Rejected the idea of us. She still fought for me after I told her I didn’t want her. This is just proving once again that Remington Weylyn is too good for me and I’ll never deserve her. Even if I found a way to control my beast, I never could deserve to call her mine.

She screams until her legs can’t hold her any longer. When her knees buckle, I cradle her against my chest as I lower her to the ground. She’s limp in my arms as she gives every bit of her strength into the screams that rip through the air. Months of sorrow and grief escape her while I hold her.

As she screams, the pieces of her shredded soul come apart so they can mend once again.

She screams until her voice cracks and breaks, until she has nothing left. Her cries fall silent, and her forehead drops to my shoulder in defeat.

Smoothing my palm down her clammy back, I ask, “Feel better?”

My response is a small, silent nod.

“You shouldn’t have saved me,” I tell her softly after another moment of deafening quietness. “This guilt and regret aren’t worth it.I’mnot worth it.” I was a number on a test tube and then I was nothing but a living experiment for Sterling and Nicolai to poke and prod. Eventually I became their weapon. And now I’m nothing but a man who wants vengeance. I’m not worth anything to anyone.

Remington pulls away from me, the redness in her eyes makes her brilliant blue eyes look even bluer. “I never said I regret saving you, Jax. I regret that it cost the life of someone else for me to do it. I regret that I saved the man, who despite everything, I still want even though he made it clear he doesn’t want me. I’ve said over and over again that I hate you, and I regret that each time I said it, I never fully meant it. God, it would be so much easier if I did, but I can’t.” Her eyes search my face. “Why can’t I hate you?”

“Probably for the same reason that I can’t stay away from you,” I admit. “You keep saying that I don’t want you. If that were the case, it would have been so easy to say those things I said to you. None of it was easy because just like you, I was lying. I do want you, Remington. I want you with each breath I take, but I can’t have you. I can’t have you because if I do, I’ll hurt you.”More than I already have.She can heal from a broken heart, but she’d never survive my beast. “You said I was the strongest person you know, if that were the case, I would be strong enough to protect you from me. But I’m not. Your life is something I’ll never risk and each second you spend near me is a gamble.”

The only other person my wolf has even been this fixated on is Sterling and he wants him dead. The same level of interest he has for Remington is terrifying. His emotions have never been easy to decipher, but nothing good can come out of this obsession with Remi.

“Even though you don’t hate me, I still can’t offer you more, Remington,” I reluctantly tell her. Just like she said the other night. Nothing has changed. “I will help carry the weight of your pain and I will let you scream in my ear until it bleeds, but I can’t give you more.” Reluctantly, I pull away from her. Slowly we climb to our feet and the space between us now feels like it’s miles long. “You were right, it’s not fair for me to keep playing with your emotions. You deserve someone who will give you the world, who will hand over every single piece of themselves to you freely. That’s not me. No matter how much I wish I were that man, I’m not. I have pieces missing and the pieces I do have are damaged beyond repair. You deserve someone who’s whole.” Filling in the space we’d just created, I lean down and kiss the corner of her mouth because I’m unable to walk away without one last touch.

I thought by sticking around this past year that I was doing it so I could have help finding Sterling, but I was lying to myself. I was lingering because I couldn’t walk away from Remington. I need to be the strong one now. She’s been the one carrying that burden for months and it’s not fair. Just like it hasn’t been fair of me to linger when my presence causes her pain. I thought she needed me to watch over her while she healed from Gage, but I’ve been hindering that healing. I’m disappointed in myself that it took me this long to figure out, but I’m going to make it better now.

“Give me your pain so you can be happy again, Remington,” I plead to her softly against her cheek. “I’ll take it and I’ll burn it all away.”

“Do we deserve to be happy?”

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