Page 92 of In Good Company

“We’re both just worried about you,” I explain, reaching out and placing my hand on his shoulder. Dad’s always been grumpy, but his exterior only got rougher after losing my brothers. Then, after the heart attack, it got more intense. I hadn’t realized how dim his personality had been in the hospital this past week until now, when his normal demeanor started coming back.

“Stop worrying about me and go check on Alec. I’ll be fine here.”

I stand there for a moment, wondering what I should do. I’ve been trying my best to go to the store when I can to give Alec a break, but almost every time I’m there, he ends up staying anyway. Alec knows how to run things far better than I do, but I’m trying to learn.

“Let me call Mom first and make sure she’s okay with it,” I offer, deciding it might be good for me to stop by and learn more of the ropes from Alec. Plus, it keeps me busy, and keeping busy is the only way I’ve been able to survive the last week.

I miss Cal terribly. There’s an ache in my chest that settles deep in my bones at losing him. I’ve kept myself so busy that I haven’t even been able to really think about what happened between us.

I want to keep it that way. If I think about the pained look in his eyes when he told me he loved me and how I reacted to it, all I feel is burning pain. I know I didn’t handle things right, but there’s nothing I can do to fix it now.

I’m still scared that if he was here, I’d get lost in him again, and I can’t have that. Not when Mom needs help juggling Dad’s appointments and keeping up to date with his medications. Or how Dad needs me to take over the store. In the smallbreaks of handling those, I’ve stayed busy by prepping and freezing nutritious meals for Dad that are good for his heart and preparing extras to give Alec and his wife too.

While Mom stayed at the hospital, I came home and cleaned the house from top to bottom. I went to the store to get groceries to make sure everything was stocked and I have already started a family calendar so she doesn’t have to remember all the countless appointments by herself.

I plan to keep doing all of that, now, with Dad home. These things are what I need to focus on, no matter how much I miss Cal and wish things were different.

“Are you going to keep standing there and blocking the TV, or are you going to go check on Alec?” Dad asks in a teasing tone, breaking me from my daydreams.

I push all the painful thoughts of Cal from my mind and give my dad a tight smile. “I’m checking with Mom first, but yes, if she’s okay with it, you’ll get rid of me.”

“Finally,” Dad whispers under his breath, but he says it with a smile. I don’t blame him. He’s used to being fiercely independent. I’m sure being forced to rely on others is hard for him.

I don’t tell this to Dad, but Mom is almost done at the pharmacy. She tells me to go ahead and head to the store. Dad will get his alone time—but it’ll only be a few minutes.

As I drive to the store, I try to keep my mind busy with any thought that doesn’t involve Cal.

I start planning what food I want to make for my family this week.

I remind myself that I still need to get Dad in to see his physical therapist next week.

I make a list of what bills need to be paid.

I even make a note to call around to some nearby florists to get some arrangements made for the anniversary of Lukeand Logan’s death. I want to put fresh flowers on their graves but also get Mom some flowers too. I know it’ll be a hard day for all of us. Mom’s always been a fan of fresh flowers but won’t spend the money to buy them for herself.

At first, I’m able to keep my mind free of Cal, but it doesn’t take long for my thoughts to drift to him.

I don’t know when it happened, but I fell in love with him. I tried fighting it. While in the moment, I thought I had a good handle on things. I thought both my mind and heart knew that everything between us was only temporary.

I should’ve known that falling for him was inevitable. Week after week, we spent almost every day together. Little by little, he stole my heart. And it’s only when I got on that plane after breaking his heart that I realized how much he owned mine.

A tear runs down my cheek as I give myself a moment to miss him. Anguish washes over me at the reminder of how much I hurt him. It’s obvious he’s not a man who enjoys being vulnerable, and I can’t help but hate myself for how I handled his vulnerability. I could’ve confessed to him why it was so hard for me to open up to him, but I didn’t.

And now, it haunts me.

FIFTY

CAL

I’m never falling in love again.

I always thought people were dramatic when they complained about a broken heart. I’m a grown adult; I didn’t think anything had the capacity to make me not want to leave my bed or even eat a meal.

But then I fell in love with Lucy Rae Owens.

It’s been thirteen days since I watched her step onto that plane, taking my heart right along with her.

Thirteen mornings I’ve woken up and not wanted to get out of bed.

---