Page 84 of Perfect Playbook

Logan nods reassuringly and refrains, giving me space to work it out.

“I just feel so guilty and I can’t get over it. I never want Nino to feel alone. Never. I don’t know why I feel this way.”

“Do you think I won’t be able to support Antonio today as well as you can?”

My weak laugh is nasal through the snot of sadness. “I actually think Nino might like you more than he does me now.”

He laughs lightly. “I’ll never let you two down.”

“It’s about me, not you.”

He hugs me close. “Mmm.”

His energy is pensive as he holds me, and my sadness drains away slightly in the security of his embrace, but my guilt seems here to stay.

“Do you remember when we went to smash the patriarchy?”

I breathe deeply, and my voice sounds more like my own again. “Yeah.”

“Women want equal pay. Equal rights. Equal representation in government. But I’ve watched my friends and teammates get married and have kids, and every time I watch the woman give in to the goddamn patriarchy when those babies come.”

“What do you mean? That’s not happened to me,” I say, defensive. “I’ve done the last five and a bit years without a man at all.”

“Yeah, but you still succumb to an ideology of what it means to be a good mom, and that keeps you in your place. Every mom I ever talked to seems to think that being a good one means always having a smooth running house, doing bake sales, throwing birthday parties. You have to always be giving and present. Motherhood must surpass all other identities or else you’re a shit one. The patriarchy says the more time you spend with your child, the better mom you are. It’s unrealistic and it keeps women down as much as the rest of the stuff we marched for.”

“Yeah but…” He makes sense and at the same time… “Iwantto spend time with my son.”

He kisses the back of my hand. “Listen, you don’t need to tell me twice how impossible it is to have enough time with someone you love.”

Love.

He kisses me again and plays with my fingers. “But quality over quantity. And sometimes we have to show, not tell. You started Shino Cakes because you want to show Nino how to live a full life. Staying here and telling him with your words to go off and live a full life will never teach him a lesson as much as showing him with your actions.”

“I know but…”

He interrupts me. “Smash the patriarchy, Shay. Start by destroying the foundation that’s still inside you. You are warm, sensitive, responsive, and even stayed married to this lunatic to give your son what he wants. How much more can you ask of yourself?”

“I guess.” My guilt fades a little, though it hardly evaporates. Logan’s words are food for thought.

He reflects. “My mom couldn’t be around for us all the time. She had a ranch with tons of animals, a big house, and had to spread her time over four kids. She wasn’t with me every second or even for every pivotal moment. But Joy Hunter is a hell of a mother. She’s a huge influence on me. A good mom makes the most of what she has and teaches her kid to do the same.”

I settle back under his arm, and he hugs me close. I’d love to be half the woman Joy is. She’s a force to be reckoned with, for sure.

He runs his fingertips along my arm. “It might sound unromantic, but life is full of trade-offs. The biggest myth of the twenty-first century is we can have it all.” He laughs lightly. “I swear the patriarchy made up that shit, too.”

His statement surprises me. “You don’t think you canhave it all?” Logan has never been a simple man. He lives life fully, in an almost grandiose way. What on earth could he be lacking?

“This conversation is about you, not me.”

A beat passes, and I realize how shallow I’ve been to think just because Logan is talented, rich, and handsome that he has it all. He entered this agreement with a problem, too, after all. I know from years of my own toxic relationships, there is no lonelier place than by the side of people who don’t get you.

“Well, thanks for the wisdom. I’ll consider it.” I say the words but go back to lamenting my absence today.

Logan doesn’t miss a beat, just like back in college. “You don’t believe me that a mom doesn’t have to be around all the time to be a good one?”

I shrug. “I’m not sure.”

“Is yours good?”

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