Page 74 of Perfect Playbook

I remember that day in our grief counseling. It was heavy but taught us an important skill I hoped none of us would ever have to use.

“She told us to ask if they have a plan. So I asked if he ever thought about actually not living and how he’d make that happen. He said…” Tears flow down her cheeks. “Once or twice… But he could never do that to us kids…”

I grab her hand that’s as clammy as my own. I can’t believe she had to talk to Luis like this. It must have taken every ounce of strength to ask that question. Her soul erupts with a new kind of pain I’ve never experienced before myself, and I hate she’s doing it before me. A harrowing fear fills her eyes. Is there a more gut-wrenching conversation than asking your dad if he still wants to live?

Just hearing Fiona talk about suicide that day in our session twisted my guts. In the mere hypothetical form I could hardly imagine myself being as strong as this situation demands of Shay.

She sobs before me, my tough woman breaking down into floods of tears. She crunches over, face in her palms, and pours out her soul. Her body stutters with every excruciating sob, and she breaks down right in front of me.

“Come here…” I gather her onto my lap and hold her, smooth her hair and kiss the top of her head, giving her space to unravel. I give her space to not be the strong one. I let her vulnerability and pain pour out of her within my secure arms, giving her refuge.

The boxes.I know what they mean now without hersaying, and they represent her agony even better than her words. She would never leave Luis alone no matter the cost to her.

Finally, she chokes on her tears a few last times. I place her back on the bed and reach over to her roommate’s desk to grab a tissue and hand it to my girl. Shay is so far gone she doesn’t even bother being ladylike blowing her nose, but it’s still clogged when she speaks.

“I have to go back, Logan. I waited to talk about this in person, but you know this call happened yesterday. I only waited so you and I could… I texted him a thousand times today but… I have to be there for him. My brothers are gone, and they can’t move back right now. Anyway, the plan is for us to all join them in California eventually. Going home is the right thing to do. Family first.”

“I get you and support you a thousand percent,” I say, thinking of my own mom and how she’s turned to drinking since Dad died. “If Colt and Dash weren’t around, I don’t think I’d feel confident leaving Mom on her own. Even though I hate to see you give up your education, you can always come back to it.”

She sighs. “Honestly, Logan, I don’t even care about that. I never really did. I’ve never been that great at school, I barely scraped into this place. I only did college away because I knew I’d never live away from family as an adult so I thought I’d give it four years to satisfy curiosity, you know? Even if my mom hadn’t died, I wouldn’t ever move away from my parents permanently.”

Now, it’s my turn to lose my shit because we both have news. I consider holding on to it. I consider giving her one day as a breather, giving us both a breather, but then what?

For the first time in my life, my mind has turned to freezing as a stress response. My body is rigid; my lungsturn into iron. I’m absolutely frozen thinking of where this might go, where the next conversation might end up.

“Logan?” She explores my face with concern. “Are you mad at me for moving back?”

“God no, baby. No… I’d never be mad about that. That you’re a wonderful daughter and care about your family is something I fucking adore about you.”

Her gaze flicks back and forth quickly from one of my eyes to the other; she reads me. “Something is wrong.”

I avert my gaze, but it only snags on the tiny fancy bag at the end of her bed. Fuck, I never could have expected things to go down like this.

“Please tell me, Logan….”

“I got signed to Boston.”

She stares at me, eyes welling up with more heartbreak.

Her word is a mere whisper. “Congratulations.”

Her lip trembles, and rivers of sadness streak her features again. I swipe my thumb along the beautiful apple of her cheek to dry one, but another one comes in its stead. She bites her lip, looks to the ceiling for strength, but I don’t know if she wants it for herself or for me.

My voice is thin. “I’m sorry,pastelito. I wanted the Scorpions so bad…”

“I know. Me, too.”

She sniffles in until she has her tears under control again, but I swear to God she only passed them over to me. I’m choked up and ready to burst, and my stomach is sour with anticipation of what’s to come.

And then, she says what neither of us has dared in any of these conversations, not ever since our once-in-a-lifetime love affair started.

“I guess this is it.”

At the sound of the end, I come completely unhinged. “No, Shay. Don’t say that.”

“We’ve both known… we’ve been ignoring the obvious for too long…”

“Shay, I’ll wait for you.”

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