Page 69 of Perfect Playbook

“You won’t always have days off on the weekends.” I hate being a downer, but it has to be said.

“True.”

“And I need to see my dad.”

“True.”

We walk in silence again and reach the end of the tiny,quaint Main Street in Golden Sierra. We come to the boathouse where there’s a small gate. Logan opens it to let me through. We’ve been here what feels like a million times, but it’s probably only been twenty.

I’m hit by how deeply I love this man and how hard I’ve fallen in such a short amount of time. We’ve shown each other our rawest parts, our pain, our vulnerability. But I do hide one thing… I’m terrified of losing him.

Since Logan became eligible as a free agent, I’ve been waging an internal battle—both sides are equally powerful.

He leads me by the hand to a bench to the side of the docks behind the college boathouse. The San Theodora River flows gently. We sit.

He smooths hair off my cheek and over my ear. Kisses me. “Tell me what’s on your mind,pastelito.”

“You already know.”

“Yeah.” A rough sigh leaves his lips. “That’s all I can think about, too.”

“I am happy for you, Logan. I really, really am. This is a one-in-a-million shot. I’m proud of you.”

“Thank you.”

I try to lighten the mood. “Don’t forget all of us little people in the Canyon.” I laugh, but it’s not funny, and the lie comes out of my throat feeling like a dry cough.

I have to swallow.

Logan takes my head in his hands and kisses me like we’re forever. His lips calm me in a way nothing else can.

Ever since hearing about Logan’s departure, I’ve been sick with anxiety. I don’t know if I can handle it. Can I really deal with what’s to come, really? Any decision I make is riddled with shameful thinking.

The uncertainty over us is a parasite that eats me from the inside out every day.

Logan has brought me out of my shell with his soul that’s like a safe haven. But sometimes, even with his arm wrapped warm around me and in the shelter of his chest, I berate myself for needing someone so much. For wanting him the way I do. It’s embarrassing sometimes when the wanting shows.

When he’s not with me, I’m yearning to call him in the middle of the day asking him to do impossible things like skip class or ravage me in the library bathroom. With him, I cling to his body like a lifeline. I’m too needy. Too dependent now. Sometimes, during a boring lecture, I’ll catch myself staring into space, wondering if my heart would stop beating if we can’t be together. Would my lungs fail, too?

He kisses my forehead. “Stop worrying. We’ll make it work.”

Isn’t that what everyone says?

“Shay, it’s only a short time until you’re out of school. I can fly you to me any time you can come and I’ll come home when I’m off.”

It’s the silliest thing I’ve said since he’s about to be a millionaire, but my other line of thinking is more terrifying. “It will be expensive.”

“Trust me when I say there is nothing I’d rather spend my money on.”

Though I speak volumes in my head, I can’t seem to make any of this come out. It would be good to talk it out and be honest about my concerns, but the dark thoughts I have tell me the end is coming.

“Shay.” He hugs me tightly. “Stop. I can practically feel your brain buzzing. I promise. I promise it will be okay. I’m committed. This is it for me.”

His words cleanse my body momentarily.This is it. Who wouldn’t want to hear that?

I really can’t talk about this too much. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you, too. But no matter how difficult it gets, or how desperately the world tries to tear us apart, I’ll be yours. Remember that. Always, Shay. Yours. And only yours.”

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