Page 112 of Perfect Playbook

“You? Sensitive?”

“Nena, for you I’m always sensitive.”

“Which is exactly why you’re the wrong person to talk to.”

He’s exasperated but keeps pressing. “Well, as far as I see I’m theonlyperson to talk to. Come on.” He glances at his watch. “We have about ten minutes before we need to get up the road.”

“You’d be a great shrink.Your hour is up,” I say sarcastically with air quotes.

“Deflecting,” he deadpans. “And by the way, I learned that termfrommy shrink, and it’s a job I promise you I’m really not equipped to do. But I can be your brother. And if you don’t tell me to get it off your chest then tell me to spare me, and Logan, because I’ll ask him why his name came out of your mouth while you cried.”

I have no idea why but I try to play it cool. “I love him. That’s all.”

He pushes his fingers into his eye sockets. “Jesus, Shay, I hope you fucking love him since you’re married.”

Shit. In my moment of weakness, I almost slipped.

“Yeah. I mean… it’s really hard to explain. But it’s not normal love. It’s like…” I dance my arms around in front of me, hoping to catch some way of explaining. “It’s like a kind of love that makes me…”

“Scared?” He finishes my sentence.

His gaze is that of a kindred spirit, and it disarms me.

“Yeah,” I admit quietly. “Scared. I’m scared. And because I feel scared it’s sending smoke signals. Like maybe that means it’s wrong.”

“I hate to break it to you, but I’m pretty sure that doesn’t mean it’s wrong but more that it’s real.”

“Surely love isn’t scary.”

“It sure as hell is. Fuck, just look at the four of us. We’ve ridden bulls, broken wild stallions, faced being ruined and risking our entire savings on a ten-page business plan. Us Mendez boys are brave, but love? It’s been too frightening for even us. Yeah, I’m pretty sure love is scary. Well, real love is anyway.”

“I don’t know.”

“Think about it. This Logan thing aside, have you ever been more worried about anything in your life than Nino?”

I bite the inside of my cheek. “No.”

“See? Case in point.” He shakes a finger. “Love. Love in all forms is scary.”

“I don’t love Logan the way I love Nino, though. It’s totally different.”

“Yeah, but both require the same thing. Trust. With Nino, you have to trust yourself. With Logan… you need to trusthim. Both situations are scary.”

“And therein lies my problem.”

“You and me both.” He gets a faraway look in his light-brown eyes. “You have two choices with this one. You either get brave. Or you get regret.”

I’ve never known Santi with anyone serious before, but he’s clearly referring to losing someone. A forbidden love? A fling? Who is this mystery woman who enters my brother’s mind on a cold autumn day? I don’t know. Iwantto know.But for now I only have a few more minutes to pull it all together before we need to pick up Nino. And to digest this unexpected advice.

It’s so obvious now Logan is one of the best things in my life, and me going through these growing pains shows it. But I worry I’ll never change. Can I really trust him? I don’t know how many years he has left in the NHL but we won’t be physically together for much of them. I still can’t move, so the best we’d have is long distance. His reputation creeps back up on me every time I think of it.

I look to the sky and flap my lips with exasperation. “I just wish I had a sign how to, I don’t know, just be more trusting and show him how I love him without having to say it out loud. I mean, maybe it’s growing up around you hard-asses, but saying I love you all the time just seems cringe.”

Santi laughs like what I’ve said genuinely amuses him. “Yeah. Maybe.”

I sigh. “It’s just laughable, though.”

“What?”

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