Page 109 of Perfect Playbook

“Well, I don’t know.”

He rubs his temples. “I said you were mine.” He throws his hands back to the counter and grips it, white-knuckled. “What the hell more do you want from me? How many more times do I need to fall at your feet and worship you before you love me back enough to say it?”

I’m hurting him. I’ve hurt him so much and I know it. I hurtus. Finally, a single truth falls from my lips. “I’m afraid, Logan.”

He softens almost immediately at my confession. He of all people knows I don’t do vulnerability. He pulls meagainst his warm chest, wraps his strong arms around me, and I press my ear to where his heart beats wildly.

I admitted it. Now he knows.

“I’m afraid of getting hurt like I have been for years since college. And I’m even more afraid of being hurt now than I was back then.”

He smooths my hair and kisses the top of my head. “I can’t undo all the things I’ve done between now and then that have made you doubt me. But I promise you this… I’m prepared to earn your trust. I will fucking beg for it until my hands and knees are bleeding. I’m not asking you to be unafraid. I’m just asking you to love me anyway.”

Chapter Thirty-Six

I stroke her hair.I can palm her entire little head. I know how much it took out of her to admit she’s scared. I am, too. I’m about to make decisions I knew would always come, but still it’s such a surprise.

I’m facing choices that are so permanent I don’t know how I can make them without knowing she’s going to stay. Until now, I didn’t realize how much Shay leaving me back in college left a permanent scar. How so much of the distance I created between me and other women was the same distance Shay creates to protect herself.

Maybe I should tell her about my plan. But I want to bechosen.

“Shay, you are the person my soul cries out for. You’re so undeniable there are no other options. And I’m scared, too, because I felt this way before, I was ready to do anything to make it work, and all you found were reasons it wouldn’t.”

A tear trickles down her cheek. She does love me. Somewhere inside there, there is love. But I need more. I need trust. I want her to follow me. To believe me. To promise me she won’t give up, to think I’m the man to protect her and Nino for the rest of my life. I want her to commit to me. I know better than to ask for all that now, but this is it. I have a couple of moments left before our bodies are torn apart by my demanding schedule.

I have a game tonight.

I’ll be in Santa Fe without her today with the biggest decision of my life weighing in the balance. Does it depend on what she says? Maybe. If it doesn’t, I sure as hell won’t leave her with any doubt about what I want or the way I feel.

I grip her arms firmly and make sure she hears every word I utter. “I know you still think of the past. I do, too. It didn’t go to plan. It all fell apart. It was one magnificent fucking display of heartache. But the way I see it, the pieces are still here between us, Shay, and I want to put them back together in a new way, with you and that beautiful boy down the hall. I’m all in.”

Her eyes brim with tears, and the bridge of my nose stings admitting it. Admitting that I held on to my first love the way I have. But it’s the truth. And if I’m about to destroy my other world, I need to believe I can build another.

Shay doesn’t get to respond because Antonio enters the room.

“Mom, I’m ready to brush my teeth.”

She sniffles and tries to sound normal. “Be right there.”

“Thanks.” He skips back down the hall.

A heavy silence hangs between us, not the kind where there’s nothing to say, but rather far too much.

“Where does this leave us?” she asks.

“I told you what I want. Take your time but… I need to know whatyouwant.”

The one good thing to come from my years of Vegas fuck-ups is that I’m still halfway decent at playing on even only a few hours of sleep. That day on the ice, I am distracted, though. I miss way too many drill shots and nearly took one to the mask, too.

What I’m contemplating wasn’t supposed to happen so soon. Something about the decision ahead of me feels all too familiar to the emotions I had when my dad died.

Not yet.

Not now.

Too soon.

Just like then, I have to accept the end of things is part of life. I’m willing to do anything for Shay now. But I know what happens in that woman when fear takes hold. And making a decision so permanent and of such enormity for…almost? Almost having her. Almost forever. Almost a family. Almost a husband.

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