Page 94 of Ramsey & Emerson

“You can’t forgive something that’s unforgiveable, Emerson,” I informed her.

“Why not?” she challenged. “I did.”

“Because when you have all the power, it’s easier to make the hard choices,” I countered. “In fact, when you have all the power, the choices aren’t all that hard anymore.”

“That’s not true.”

“You forgave me because of how much you love me, Emerson. Well, I can’t forgive myself because of how much I love you,” I replied.

“Ramsey, I’ve left the past in the past, and you need to do the same thing.”

“As soon as it’s in the past for me, then I will,” I told her. “However, every memory with you is still very much a part of my present and future.”

Emerson brushed the tears off her cheeks, and while her tears usually incapacitated me, this conversation needed to be had. Even though I knew that Adrian Cossacks wasn’t a threat to our marriage, we’d never spoken candidly about that morning at Windsor, and it was probably about time that we did. If nothing else, Emerson should know that I was still suffering for my cruelty because she deserved for me to suffer for the rest of our lives, even if she didn’t agree with me.

“I love you, Ramsey,” she said, her silver gaze begging me to believe her.

“But you shouldn’t,” I repeated. “You shouldn’t, and you know it.”

“No, I don’t know it,” she replied stubbornly. “I only know what I feel, and I feel it all with you, Ramsey. I’ve always felt it all when it comes to you, and I’d do it all over again if it still led me to be standing in this kitchen with you.”

“Baby-”

“No,” she snapped. “You don’t get to do this to me, Ramsey.”

“Do what?”

“Ruin my fucking marriage!” she yelled.

Christ, the woman couldn’t be farther from the truth.

Chapter 14

Emerson~

Iwas torn between genuine heartache and anger, and it was anyone’s guess on how tonight was going to turn out. I also knew that I was partly to blame for this mess. Though we’d never really spoken about that morning at Windsor, I’d always known that Ramsey’s regret from that day ran deep. I’d always known that it was a touchy subject for him, so I could have chosen my words more carefully, knowing fully well that he’d already been in a mood tonight. Nevertheless, I wasn’t about to let him turn my happy life into one of pointless regret. After all, regret really was pointless. Since we didn’t have the ability to go back in time, what good was regret to anyone?

Besides, Ramsey was wrong about me not having any regrets, because I had plenty. I’d been seventeen when my father had killed my mother, meaning that I’d been old enough to call the police about the abuse, tell a teacher, anything. Instead, I’d kept silent because my mother had begged me to. Since she had the inability to leave him, had I reported the abuse, I would have been placed with CPS, and who knows what would have happened then.

Still, be that as it may, I didn’t beat myself up over it because I’d been able to accept that we were responsible for our own choices years ago. My mother had chosen to stay with my father, and if him beating me hadn’t made her leave him, then me being sent to foster care wouldn’t have changed her destiny. My mother had chosen to stay with my father, and I had chosen to accept her choices in life.

So, why couldn’t Ramsey do the same?’

“I’m not trying to ruin anything,” he said. “I’m just explaining why Cossacks is a problem for me.”

“If you trust me, it shouldn’t matter that another man is interested in me, Ramsey,” I insisted. “Just like how other women interested in you shouldn’t matter.”

“I do trust you,” he lied. “That’s not what I have an issue with.”

I let out a deep breath, trying my best to calm my rising anger. “Adrian is irrelevant. He only matters as my supervisor and nothing more.”

“What do you want from me, Emerson,” he snapped, his anger peeking out. “I’ve always been like this, and I’ll always be like this when it comes to you.”

It was true, so maybe we were both losing the point here. From the day that Ramsey and I had worked our shit out, this had been him for twenty-five years. However, Adrian wasn’t just some random stranger at the bar or stranger passing me on the sidewalk. Adrian was my supervisor, so he wasn’t going anywhere. No matter how Ramsey felt about him, I was still going to have to work with Adrian, and the dull ache in my neck couldn’t be the way that we dealt with that fact.

“I already told you what I want from you,” I snapped back. “I want you to forgive yourself. I want you to be happy, Ramsey. I don’t want your love for me to be an albatross around your neck. I don’t want you to look at me and see nothing but regrets. Jesus, how do you think that makes me feel?”

“I don’t see regrets when I look at you,” he said. “I see grace whenever I look into your face. I see how God gifted me with the best thing to ever happen to me, but I also see how I don’t deserve that much mercy. Baby, I was already headed to Hell before you came into my life, so don’t re-write history to make me the hero, because I’m not.”

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