Page 121 of Ramsey & Emerson

Emerson~

Now that Maddox was gone, there was nothing left to distract us from the conversation that we needed to have. While I wasn’t afraid or reluctant to have it, I was tired. Not only was I emotionally exhausted from fighting with Ramsey these past few days, but the more that I found out about Adrian Cossacks, the madder I got. I wanted justice for the young girls that he’d taken advantage of, and even though I knew that Ramsey would do anything in his power to get it for me, I wanted Adrian to pay in a way that would satisfy all of his victims.

At any rate, after Maddox had left, Ramsey had put his stuff away in his office while I’d taken a quick shower to wash the day away, and walking back into the bedroom, I saw Ramsey unbuttoning his dress shirt, and it really was hard not to get distracted by how good-looking my husband was.

“You could have waited for me,” he remarked as the expensive fabric slid down his broad shoulders, then down his arms.

“I could have, but then we’d never get anything resolved,” I pointed out.

“Fair enough,” he chuckled softly as he kicked off his shoes.

I sat down on the bed, then patted the mattress, and without a word, Ramsey walked over to join me. As the mattress dipped with his weight, Ramsey reached over, then took my hand in his, linking our fingers together, making it clear that we were in this as a team.

“While I understand feeling guilty for what happened all those years ago, I don’t want you suffering for it, Ramsey,” I finally said, kicking things off. “Instead of focusing on how you don’t deserve me, I want you to focus on how lucky we are that Ididforgive you. After all, if I hadn’t, then we wouldn’t have R.J. and Maddox, and I can’t imagine a life without them in it.”

“That morning after our first fight, Ace asked me what I felt when I looked at my family, and at the time, I’d told him that I felt a deep sense of possessiveness whenever I looked at you guys or thought about you guys, and while that’s true, that’s not the only thing that I feel. No matter what is going on in our lives, I will always carry around this underlining worry of anything happening to any of you, and that’s not going to go away, Emerson,” hereplied, and I knew that his need to protect us had everything to do with him being a man and not necessarily us.

“I don’t expect you not to worry about us, Ramsey,” I told him. “I’m worried that your issues are preventing you from being happy.”

“That’s the thing,” he went on. “I don’t exactly feel happiness when I look at you guys. Instead, I feel love. That’s what I feel when I walk into a room to see you, Mad, and Ram all together. My heart doesn’t flood with happiness; it floods with an overwhelming love for you guys. I feel whole and at peace when I look at my family, and I prefer those feelings over temporary happiness.” Ramsey shrugged like his feelings were no big deal, but they were. “I’ve never been a happy person, Emerson. Even as a child, I can’t remember ever really feelinghappy. While I’ve enjoyed some great times, I’m not the type of person to walk around perpetually happy all the time, and maybe that’s our problem here. Maybe your definition of happy and my definition of happy are not the same.”

I stared into his face, seeing that he might have a valid point. Since everyone was raised differently, it made sense that we’d process emotions differently, and so maybe we really did have two different definitions of happiness. I felt happy when my family was living happily, and maybe Ramsey was happy when he wasn’t feeling the need to obliterate someone.

“Maybe,” I conceded. “But I still don’t like the idea of you torturing yourself over something that neither of us can change.”

“I don’t torture myself, baby,” he replied evenly. “Despite the nightmares, I’ve learned to live comfortably with my regret. It’s seeing you happy that makes every mistake that I’ve ever made a bearable part of my life, Emerson.”

“I just want you loving me to be a good thing, Ramsey,” I said, trying to explain my feelings, even though everyone knew that it was virtually impossible to ever do such a thing.

“Honestly, even without some of the things in our past, I’d still react the same way if a man hit on you, baby,” he admitted. “You’re my wife, and no man worth his salt would ever just stand back and allow such a thing to happen. It’s also not a matter of trust, though it may seem like it. You’re mine, and I’ll always make that clear to anyone that might not realize it.”

“And I get that, but...but I didn’t like how you made Adrian more important than he really was,” I explained. “You turned him into an issue between us, and I didn’t appreciate it.”

“Okay, that’s fair,” he replied, though a bit hesitantly, as if he was really processing what I was saying.

“I just…if we’re going to fight, then I want our fights to be meaningful, Ramsey,” I went on, not sure if I was making any sense. “Other peopleshouldn’t be significant enough to register inside the walls of our home. They shouldn’t impact us enough to have us fighting for days.”

“While I agree, when it comes to you, I can’t make any promises,” he stated honestly. “I could sit here and tell you everything that you want to hear, but that’s not me, baby. When it comes to you, each situation will be handled as it comes to me. I don’t think rationally when you’re involved, and I’m not going to pretend otherwise.”

I let out a stifled laugh.

I couldn’t help it.

This was Ramsey being Ramsey, and I’d been a fool to expect anything different. In all the years that I’d known him, he hadn’t ever made excuses for being who he was, and I saw that same trait in my sons. In fact, most of the people in our family were unapologetic about their personalities, and only the in-laws brought any amount of normalcy with them.

Picking my battles, I said, “As long as you know that you’re the only one for me, Ramsey. I’m fine with you being the man that you feel that you need to be, but not because you’re jealous. Not because you think there’s an actual chance that I might change my mind about you.”

Ramsey let go of my hand, then reached for my hips, pulling me up onto his lap. “I’m not jealous that another man will be able to treat you better, because I’d never let that happen. I’m jealous that they’ve all managed to do the one thing that I couldn’t.”

My brows furrowed in confusion. “And what’s that?”

“They’ve never hurt you, baby.”

Tears immediately sprung behind my eyes, and this was the Ramsey that was reserved for only me. This was Ramsey letting me see inside his heart, and it was a precious gift that I was grateful for every day. This was what made me and Ramsey special, and I was very aware that lots of wives didn’t have this part of their husbands.

Luckily, I did.

I anchored my arms around his neck. “I love you, Ramsey.”

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