Page 31 of Chasing Sarah

Once I’m ready for the day, I head to kitchen and brew a cup of coffee.

My anxiety of being at home instead of doing something to keep my body and mind busy rises the longer I sit within these four walls.

I’m hyperaware of each tick the clock on the wall makes and it grates at my nerves.

“Ugh!” I growl then set my mug on the counter. I stock to my room and rip my phone from the nightstand.

I scroll until I find Karley’s number and shoot her a text.

As I wait for her text, I return to the kitchen to finish my coffee. I lean impatiently against the counter, staring at my phone screen. I don’t even know if she’s awake, but I can’t sit here.

My mind is racing with small flashes of distant memories of my brothers. It hurts. It’s too much.

I launch myself at my phone when it pings.

I snort at her reply. She’s not an early riser, which is part of the reason she works at night at Bone’s bar.

Regardless of what time I fall asleep, I can’t stay in bed past 9 am. Sure, I can nap, but even those are few and far between.

I don’t want to wait until Paige gets off work to do something, but it seems I have no choice. Karley isn’t going to get up and want to go on an adventure until later tonight.

With slumped shoulders, I tell her to go back to sleep, then slide my phone into my back pocket.

My eyes roam around the apartment and an idea takes form. A smile lifts my lips as I grab my purse from where it sits, slide my feet into my sneakers, and dash out the door.

* * *

A few hours, some sweat, and tears later, the apartment is redecorated and rearranged.

“Perfect,” I say, triumphantly and slap my hands together, cleaning off the invisible dust from my palms.

A marble grey and white rug sits in the middle of the living room with an oval coffee table rested on top. We still have our ragged old couch, but I bought a charcoal couch-cover to make it look nice. I brought out a couple of throw blankets from our linen closet in the hallway and laid them on that.

I changed the yellow curtains we had to black ones and hung little fairy lights from the curtain rod.

In the kitchen, I bought a bunch of those plastic and glass container you see all over social media and reorganized the pantry, drawers, and refrigerator.

Since we’re renting, I couldn’t repaint, so instead I bought some removable wallpaper to make some accent walls. Its design is an abstract pattern of light blues and white.

The entire task of redoing the apartment was exactly what I needed to take my mind off the things I refuse to acknowledge.

It hurts too much to relive the past. The pain of seeing my brothers in my head is crippling.

Sure, I talk about them every now and then, but seeing their faces is what kills me the most.

I plaster a smile on my face when I hear the thunk of the deadbolt unlocking.

“Surprise!” I shout with a jump when Paige steps into the space.

She startles then scans the room. “I see you’ve been busy,” she teases, shutting the door behind her.

“I got bored.” I shrug.

She doesn’t know that I struggle to sit still because then the heartache of my past catches up to me.

She has her own demons, and I don’t need to bother her with my own.

She knows what she needs to. That I grew up with 4 brothers and lost them.

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