Page 19 of Chasing Sarah

“Why did she leave?” I whimper.

It’s been a while since I’ve cried about the fact that my mom left without looking back. I never really had a reason to. My brothers have been all I needed…up until now.

Their arms wrap tightly around me before letting go.

“We might not know exactly what you’re going through, but we are still here for you.” Xander says.

“Yeah,” Tommy agrees with a nod.

I swipe at my tears before breathing in deeply and raising my head.

“Can we go home?”

I just want to be alone. The new change in my body and the reappearance of my mother’s rejection has drained me and any desire I had to have ice cream.

The four of them smile sadly at me before nodding.

I stand and head toward the door as they clean off the table and tuck in the chairs.

* * *

Laying in my bed with the blankets tucked under my chin, I stare blanky at the wall listening to the sounds of my brothers moving around the house. Colson’s rock music thumps loudly, cabinets in the kitchen opening and closing. Steps going up and down the stairs.

Since coming home from the ice cream parlor, they’ve left me alone for the most part. Xander peeked inside my room about twenty minutes ago to make sure I was okay.

I’m not. Not really.

I appreciate my brothers more than I can put into words, but I didn’t realize how much I missed having mom around until I saw the blood on my underwear.

I was 10 when she dropped me off at school. I thought everything was okay. Nothing about that day was weird or different than any other day.

We sang songs on the way to school; she told me to have a good day and be good at school.

I was completely oblivious to the world-altering change I was going to experience after.

Colson and I sat on the curb waiting for her for over an hour before Xander and Tommy came to pick us up. I still remember the worry and gloominess that hovered over them like a plague.

They were silent the entire drive home. Neither one answered any of my questions about why mom didn’t pick us up or why they looked so sad, so hurt.

The air in the house was void of the warmth and happiness it had that morning. Ronny was in his room, old school rap music blaring through his sound system. He didn’t come out for the rest of the day.

My eyes prick when I remember the pain in Xander and Tommy’s voices, in their faces, when they said mom had left and she wasn’t coming back.

Even now, I struggle to understand why. Why did she leave?

Was it something we did? Were we bad kids?

I know we fought, and we were loud, but I don’t think we were bad enough to make her abandon us.

Right?

The weeks following are kind of a blur. We were trying to get used to a new normal. Colson and I kept asking for mom. Xander was constantly on the phone, shouting at people. I heard Tommy speaking with the neighbor about doing some extra side jobs to make some money. It was a mess. Absolute chaos and I felt the weight of their stress each and every day.

I shouldn’t miss mom.

I know she doesn’t miss us. She’s been gone two years with no contact.

And yet, it still hurts.

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