Page 145 of Steps

Huffing, Varen shoots to his feet. “What do you wantfrom me, Toya? You fucking ripped my heart to shreds then get jealous when Itry to move on. Just what the fuck do you want from me?”

I throw up my hand. “For starters, I want you toheal. I want you to stop turning to bad things every time something hurts toomuch. I want you to be okay, Varen.”

“And I want you!” he yells. “I fucking want you.”

My heart is screaming for him.I want you too.

But guilt holds me back.

“Guess you’re too scared to be with me.” He turnsto walk away.

“Wait,” I stop him.

Varen casts me a sidelong gaze. The shadows hidethe blues of his eyes, but I still feel the force of them. “What am I waitingfor?”

Opening my clutch, I take out the envelope andedge closer, offering it to him.

He scoffs. “What’s that, a love letter?”

“Probably. It might be the one thing that’ll helpheal your deepest wound once and for all.”

Varen accepts the envelope. He can’t make out thewriting in the shadows.

“It’s from your mom,” I tell him.

His head flies up. “Where the hell did you getthis?”

“Found it today inside her favorite book. For fiveyears, it’s been waiting for you in the library.”

He peers down at the envelope again and murmurs,“Mom…”

“Anyway, I wanted to give it to you.”

“Thank you,” he whispers, not meeting my gaze.

I step past him to leave. Varen reaches for myelbow. “Wait, Toya. Could you...” He hesitates. “Stay with me while I read it.”

“Don’t you want to open it in private?” I ask.

Varen ignores my question. “Let’s walk down thestreet.” He grasps my hand, towing me along with him. I remain quiet and lethim lead me.

He comes to a stop minutes later under thestreetlight at the corner. The music sounds faint in the distance. Varen sitsdown at the edge of the sidewalk. I secure my dress beneath me as I settlebeside him.

Tracing his thumb over her handwriting for a fewseconds, Varen inhales and exhales deeply then opens the envelope and slidesout the letter.

I look away as he reads it to himself. When hefinishes, he refolds the paper, places it back inside the envelope, and tucksit into his pocket. He doesn’t utter a word to me, just sits there staring intospace.

The night air feels chilly. My dress does nothingto keep my body warm, so I hug myself.

After minutes of total quiet, Varen starts toquiver beside me. I glance at him and see tears pooling down his face.Oh no.He arches over and cries as if every emotion he’s been concealing since hismom’s death is just now bleeding out of him.

I move closer and rub his back, pulling him intomy arms as he breaks down even more.

Varen clings to me with all his strength,seemingly trying to conceal the pain.

“It’s okay. Let it out,” I whisper, kissing thetop of his head. “You need to let it all out.”

I sit there for a while, allowing Varen to cry onme, and I don’t mind one bit. This is my way of comforting him.

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