Page 35 of In the Name of the Father

Malcolm told me how brave I am. That he’s proud. He’d use it as a mantra if he had to.

“I am. I asked him to explain for me to you what had happened. I’m still working on getting it all straight in my head. Uh, what I mean, is that I’m very clear onwhathappened, but I don’t do so great when I try to share my experiences out loud.” Seth swiped the back of his hand across his forehead. “Malcolm is the first person I ever told any of that stuff to.”

“I can’t imagine how difficult that must’ve been for you, Seth. That took a lot of courage.”

Seth clasped his hands together and held them in his lap to try and keep them still. He needed to calm down. “You think so? Malcolm said almost the exact same thing.”

“It sounds to me as if Malcolm has a lot of admiration for you. I could definitely hear the concern in his voice when we spoke on the phone.”

“Malcolm is the nicest person I’ve ever met.”

Pastor Callum smiled. “He seems like a good guy. Tell me, Seth. What is it that you’re hoping to get out of this meeting today? It’s clear that Malcolm wants our time together to be all about you. What would you like to discuss?”

“I…” Seth furrowed his brow. He didn’t have it in him to go through a repeat performance of his meltdown from the prior week, so revisiting his camp trauma was out of the question. What he really wanted to know was how a gay man could lead a church of gay people without it being a problem. “I guess I’m confused. I’ve been—well,toldisn’t the right word since the concept was actually beaten into me—but I was convinced that being gay meant I was going straight to hell. That God hated me because of how I was born.”

“Okay, let’s address that last part. You believe you were born gay, that it’s not a choice that you’re gay, is that correct?”

“Yes. IknowI was born gay. I mean, yeah, I didn’t for quite a while, but I know now. And I didn’t wake up one morning and decide I wanted to be gay. It was more that I started realizing that I probably was. But then…” Seth inhaled a shuddering breath. “Then everything fell apart after that.”

“So, if we accept that you were born gay and that you were created in God’s image—then why would God hate you for being the way He made you?”

Seth’s throat closed up and his eyes burned.So simple. But nothing about his life had been simple. His father had turned everything into a convoluted mess of hatred and pain.

“D-does that mean I can love another man and live with him as my husband, and God won’t cast me out?”

“That’s what it means.” Pastor Callum leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees. “Seth, what you went through growing up and in those camps was abusive, cult behavior. Not all churches hold those beliefs. Even the ones who still believe homosexuality is wrong aren’t typically that extreme. But I need you to think very carefully about something. A church, or a minister, or any religious group that insists that everyone has to believe their way or take the highway—is dangerous in my opinion. Everyone’s relationship with God is deeply personal and I don’t believe that anyone walking on this Earth has a direct line to God that the rest of us don’t.

“Self-acceptance is key, Seth. Embrace the love that is the true representation of your faith. Then forge a personal relationship with God that comes from your heart and isn’t dictated by some man with all his weaknesses and fallibility. Gain inspiration from scripture, pray when you need to—but don’t allow others’ hate-filled rhetoric stain your relationship with your Creator. Remember what Jesus said. Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Pastor Callum sat back in his chair. “I’ve yet to meet anyone on this planet who could rightfully claim to be God. I doubt your father or that church you came from would be able to cast any stones, either.”

A sense of peace and liberation washed over Seth.

My father never was, and never will be, God. He can’t point a finger at me. Seth fought the tears that threatened to spill.And he never should’ve in the first place.

“Thank you, Pastor Callum.” Seth swiped at the tears that had escaped his eyes. “That helps me more than you know.” He hiccupped on a sob. “More than anyone will ever know.”

Chapter Nine

Seth went through the repetitive motions of rinsing the pile of dishes he’d just washed then stacking them in the dryer. He had one more group next to him, then the bussers would bring in the last of the bins from the afternoon service. If he was lucky, he could get out of there at a reasonable hour. He wanted to get to the check cashing place before it closed.

Today was the day he’d finally be able to pay Malcolm after staying in his home for the past two weeks.The most amazing two weeks ever. Even though Malcolm had told him to keep the money, that his help around the house and in the yard was payment enough, Seth planned to convince Malcolm otherwise. He couldn’t wait to show him he was true to his word, that he could contribute to the household.

Maybe he’ll even let me take him out to dinner.

He grinned to himself. Finally, he’d be able to return the favor. Then his thoughts turned to the second time he’d met with Pastor Callum, and what they’d discussed. At first, Seth hadn’t felt he needed to go back since he wasn’t joining any churches anytime soon—or perhaps never again—but then he’d wanted to consult with the pastor on one more thing.

Malcolm.

Pastor Callum was married and would understand. Seth couldn’t stop feeling the way he did about Malcolm, but he wasn’t sure how to approach him either. There’d been a couple other times where an intense moment had happened between them and Seth had beensurethat Malcolm was about to kiss him. However, something always managed to break the spell before it went further. He knew he was risking a broken heart by revealing his true feelings, but he wasn’t sure how much longer he could go on being in the same house with the man he was falling in love with.

Seth almost dropped one of the cups as he was transferring it from the sink to the sanitizer. He glanced around and saw that other than the prep cooks behind their station cleaning their areas—he was alone. No one was paying any attention to him. No one knew that he was crazy about a handsome, sexy man who was always telling him what a good boy he was.

Stop it.

His job was so mindless that it lent itself to daydreaming and fantasies. More than once those fantasies had starred a very naked Malcolm taking control of him in bed. It was fine when he was at home and could take an impromptu shower, but not when he was at work.

Pastor Callum had advised him to be honest with Malcolm, that it wasn’t fair to hide the truth from him. He’d also assured Seth that even if Malcolm didn’t feel the same way, that he wasn’t the type of person to reject Seth completely. The pastor had reiterated more than once that he could tell how much Malcolm cared about him, regardless of whether or not it was romantic.

“Seth, could I see you in my office for a sec?”

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