Page 13 of In the Name of the Father

If I don’t, it might make it harder to spend time with Malcolm.

He assumed that since him and Nate were such good friends, he’d want to visit him a lot.Right? The idea that a gay man and a straight man could be so close still seemed strange. A surge of anger tore through him.

My father was a liar. Filled with hate.

Seth stuffed the feather down pillow under his cheek and continued to stare at the covered window. A light breeze blew outside and a branch from one of the large trees scratched at the glass. He knew that so many of the things he’d been taught were wrong, but it was all so mixed-up in his head.

Malcolm called it. Said I was programmed.

But he didn’twantto be programmed anymore. He wanted to understand who he truly was as a person without his father or the counselors trying to beat it into him or screaming in his face what a worthless human being he was and how much God hated him. He couldn’t live like that anymore and he knew God would never forgive him if he took his own life. That act was unforgivable—even more than anything else.

Malcolm reminds me so much of Andy. Seth bit his lip.Except for the part where Malcolm isn’t a hypocritical snake.

Andy had been his first love, but he’d also been the one to rat him out. When he was sixteen, he’d fallen hard for the older deacon who had a pretty wife and three perfect children. All along he’d known that his fantasy man could never be his because Andy was married, so he couldn’t possibly be gay. And besides, Andy was a fine, God-fearing church leader.

Seth had never been so wrong.

In addition to being a deacon, Andy had also been a youth leader. They had just finished up a teen social when Andy had asked if Seth wouldn’t mind staying after to help clean up. While Seth was stacking folding chairs in the rec room closet, Andy had come up behind him, wrapped his arms around his frame and held him fast while rubbing against Seth’s ass.

Seth had frozen in horror, his brain shorting out as he tried to process why a church leader was doing such a thing. All Seth had been able to do was stand there, silent and terrified, while Andy had played with himself until he’d come with a grunt. Then Andy had let his hand wander to the front of Seth’s jeans where he’d cupped him, Seth gasping at the contact. However, his reaction hadn’t been from pleasure. Nothing about the experience had been erotic—despite his unholy desire for Andy.

“Why aren’t you hard? I know you want it, I’ve seen the way you look at me.”

Seth had struggled free then run from the building, his heart thundering against his ribs, his body shaking in fear and shock. He’d spent an hour hiding in the park, more than happy to risk his father’s certain wrath when he didn’t return home on time. Better to compose himself before facing the man’s inscrutable gaze.

Without realizing it, he’d been crying. Tears had become such a typical part of his life he barely noticed them when he was alone. Only when he was forced to put on a show in public did he remain aware. He’d gotten quite good at faking his emotions over the years.

Seth stuffed down the ugly memories and brought himself back to the present.Back to Malcolm. Goodness, but the man was handsome. He couldn’t stop dwelling on that fact. Plus, Malcolm had shown himself to be a kind and charitable person. That stood out. Seth hadn’t met anyone like that since leaving Idaho, not anyone who not only said they cared but proved it by their actions.

And maybe he shouldn’t be dreaming about Malcolm since he’d already made that mistake with Andy. Seth rolled onto his back and chewed on his thumbnail, running the differences and similarities of the two men through his mind.

Andy was film star handsome and older—his thirties, probably. People always seemed older than they really were when you were a teen.Malcolm is also older, but definitely thirties, maybe even late thirties. And handsome too, but in a more dangerous, playboy kind of way.

Seth snickered. They hadn’t been allowed to watch PG or R rated movies when he was growing up, but he’d stayed over at a church member’s house one time for a sleepover. He and their son had hidden DVDs they’d gotten from some kids at school inside Disney movie cases and watched them in his room. His favorite had been a James Bond film with some actor named Daniel Craig.

Yeah. Malcolm’s like him.

But beyond looks, he didn’t know much more about Malcolm. He’d thought he’d known Andy, then discovered he’d been putting on a big act the whole time. Andy had said so many things to him that had ended up being big, fat lies.

As far as he could tell, Malcolm had nothing to hide. He’d stood up for him and had gone to a lot of personal trouble to make sure he was safe. Even the jacket he’d given him meant a lot. Not only because he needed it so badly, but because Malcolm hadnoticedhe didn’t have one. Any other person probably wouldn’t have thought twice about him not wearing a coat or sweater. Or if they had, they might have thought it was too bad and felt sorry for him. But would they have found a way to do something about it? To give him one in a way that didn’t hurt his pride?

What would it be like to have a man like Malcolm as a boyfriend, to have someone give him all his attention and always be on the lookout for him?

The way he asked if he should watch for anyone coming after me.

Seth shivered. He wasn’t cold, only filled with some sort of excitement he couldn’t name. He folded his hands behind his head. If he didn’t stop dwelling on Malcolm, he’d end up with a personal issue and he wasn’t about to dothatin Malcolm’s guest room. Seth let out a long sigh. Who knew what the dawn would bring? But no matter what, he had resolved to himself that he wouldn’t go back to that awful motel.

If Malcolm says I can trust Nate, then okay. That’s where I’ll go.

He had the sense that he’d believe just about anything Malcolm had to say.

Chapter Four

“You’re kidding.”

Nate’s snort was audible on the other end of the phone line. Malcolm knew he was asking a big favor, but his friend actually sounded annoyed with him. That wasn’t like him at all. Malcolm crossed one ankle over the pajama covered knee of the other then leaned back against the sofa. It was still only six and he’d wanted to get the call into Nate before Seth woke up. Nate had always been an early riser, just like him.

“Hey man, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.” For the life of him, he couldn’t figure out what Nate’s problem was.

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