Page 79 of Gambler's Fallacy

He probably doesn’t want the drama of Caleb’s boyfriend throwing himself off the ledge while people are watching.

I should do it quietly, upstairs and alone where no one can find me before it’s too late. Stupid. I should’ve done that to begin with instead of acting without thinking.

“Oh, while I’ve got you here. It’s Caleb’s birthday soon. I know the guy’s got everything, and he doesn’t want a present from me, but Lori wants to do something nice for her uncle. You got any ideas?” Trent winks at me. “Something appropriate for the kids, though.”

I stare at him like that’ll give him the hint, but he’s settled against the railing now, making it clear he’s here for the long haul. To excuse myself and move, I’d have to take my arms out from behind my back, and he’dsee.

Why had I been so stupid?

“I don’t know,” I finally say. I realize I don’t know Caleb as well as I should, given the fact that I’ve already been here for a few months, and I don’t know what to give him that he can’t already get. “I need to… use the bathroom,” I tell him, trying to edge away from him. “Sorry.”

“Oh, me too,” Trent says, pushing off from the railing. “Let’s go. Maybe I can buy you a coffee after, and we can figure out what I can buy forLori to give to Caleb.”

I nod, bewildered, even though I don’t want him anywhere near me. Thankfully the lounge has single occupancy restrooms, and I shut the door on Trent.

Once the door is locked, I slide down onto my haunches and wrap my arms around my knees, breathing hard. I want to cry, but I keep hearing her voice in my head. I don’t know how I’ll escape Trent if he thinks I’m crying, either. I sort of miss Grant, the previous general manager, because he absolutely would not have cared about any of this.

My head thuds against the wall behind me as I sit back, and I stare out over the bathroom. I wonder how long I have to be in here before Trent takes the hint and leaves.

I look around. It’s nice and clean, but I don’t see anything I can use to hurt myself. The trash can doesn’t look heavy enough to shatter the mirror, and I don’t know if I can punch hard enough to do it either.

I tug down at my sleeves even though they aren’t nearly long enough to hide the damage I did mostly by accident.

I don’t know what to do.

I’ve felt helpless before, but never this desperate and miserable and terrified. This goes beyond anything I’ve ever known, and I want it tostop.

Somebody knocks on the door.

“Seven, pet? Open the door,” Caleb says sharply.

My heart drops into my stomach. I’ve gone and interrupted him again, and he sounds pissed. I don’t blame him. If I was him, I’d be mad at me, too.

I’m a nuisance and a failure, and I wish he would let me have this.

I should get up and open the door, but I stay sitting there because my limbs feel heavy and immovable for completely different reasons than they usually do with Caleb. I don’t think I could walk if I tried.

I hear a loud sigh. “Seven, I’m going to unlock the door if you don’t come out,” Caleb says.

It takes everything I have to drag myself up to my feet, and I go to the door before quietly unlocking it. I stare up at him, not even bothering to try to hide my arms now. He’s going to see one way or another, and this is probably already causing a scene he doesn’t want.

God, why isn’t he too sick of me to bother by now?

Caleb meets my gaze and nods slowly. “Do you want to go upstairs, or do you want to stay in the lounge?”

“Upstairs,” I whisper. I don’t want to have this conversation in public, not when I’m already on the verge of losing my shit.

I’m beyond pathetic. Maybe now he’ll see it.

But then what? Havoc and Vortex — and my heart clenches at the thought of them — keep promising they’ll never let my family have me, but maybe it would be better.

It would be familiar.

I never had to worry about the unknown. I had always known exactly where I stood, and while it had been horrible at times, it hadn’t always been bad.

Liar.

Caleb steps aside so I can exit the bathroom. I stop when I see Havoc and Vortex at the end of the hall, talking to Trent.

---