Page 78 of Gambler's Fallacy

That I didn’t want to go anywhere.

That everything wasfineeven as my heart had broken because someone had seemed to care.

He’d used me anyway, in the end.

I still hadn’t left.

I guess I’m a dumb idiot after all for waiting as long as I had to finally act.

Even Vortex had seemed more concerned with needling and insulting Havoc than he had with helping me. For all that he’d pulled me into his arms, his words had been directed at Havoc. He hadn’t wanted to talk about what had happened, about how he’d gone and told Caleb that he’d felt like I’d pushed him into having sex.

Guilt gnaws at me.

How could I ever be that person?

The worst part is that I’d do it again. I’d push and wheedle and beg for something familiar to get through the pain, and it’s not fair to them.

It’s not fair to me, either, is it? How can they expect me to deal with all of this when I’m drowning?

I find myself eyeing the balcony again, but I’m not sure five floors would do the trick. No, for that I’d have to go upstairs and stare down at the city. I wonder what it would be like. Would I be frightened as I fell? Would I even have time to think before I was a smear on the ground?

Once the shock and horror had abated, would anyone even notice I was gone?

I realize I’ve started to scratch at my arms, my sharpfingernails digging into my skin, but I don’t bother to stop. No one’s paying attention to me, and so what if I bleed a little?

No one will care.

Well. Maybe Caleb will, but he’ll only be upset that he hadn’t been the one to cause me the pain, and that isn’t fair. He keeps saying it’s my body, but it isn’t.

I think about calling him anyway, but he has an entire casino to run — on top of the mafia dealings he doesn’t discuss with me because I’m too fragile. He has better things to do than try to help me while I’m a broken disaster.

My nails dig deeper into my skin, breaking the surface, but it doesn’t bring me the comfort I need so badly. I’m starting to feel numb, though, and numb is better than the bitter pain and despair.

I stare more intently out over the balcony, though. Maybe five floors is enough to end me without letting me feel scared for too long. Then my family can never take me back. Then I don’t have to deal with Havoc’s judgment or Vortex’s inability to deal with me or even Caleb’s determination to keep me.

I haven’t forgotten his threats to let word get out about me, and while I know he was bluffing now — and I know that it’s too late anyway — I still think about it sometimes.

I get up and walk over to the balcony. I grip the railing and stare down at the street, where cars are slowly moving along the main avenue. It’s the middle of the day, bright and beautiful. The tables out here are packed with casino guests and tourists.

None of them are paying any attention to me.

Nobody expects me to do anything at all.

I lean over the railing, and the ground below is hard concrete. I’d be a beautiful red smear.

I just have to?—

“Hey, kid!” a familiar voice asks, and I startle, letting go of the railing and stepping away. It’s Trent, giving me a strange smile. “You okay there, kid?”

I spin around and stare at him, wishing I had long sleeves so Icould yank them down and hide the evidence of what I’d been doing. He’s never going to believe I’m okay, and I put my arms behind myself even though it makes me look guiltier.

Leave me alone, I want to say.

“Yeah. I was just…” I trail off because I don’t even have an excuse. “Looking,” I finish lamely.

“Seven, right?” Trent says. He gets closer to me, resting his arms against the railing. “I told Lori about that cartoon you were watching. She was really excited to try it. I’ve been hearing martial arts lawyers every time I get home.”

I nod, searching for words but unable to find them. I want him to go away, to leave me to this, but he isn’t budging.

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