Page 136 of Gambler's Fallacy

I flat-outmurderedsomeone.

I murdered the head of the Spade Family.

The thing is, I don’t regret it. I know I should. I know there’s going to be fallout. I know now that Leon Spade was doing something to prevent my family from taking me before today, and I should care about that.

I scrub my body with more force than necessary, leaving red marks behind on my skin.

Idocare about that. I understand that it’ll make it harder for Caleb to protect me.

At the same time, though, I feel weirdly emboldened. Someone had threatened to take me away from the people Icare about more than anything and return me to the hell I’d escaped from after so many long years, and I had gotten rid of the threat.

I hadn’t been able tonegotiatelike Caleb does, but I’d been able to turn the situation in my favor.

I think.

They’d murdered Raymond for me.

This had been something I’d had to do for myself. I don’t doubt that there would’ve been consequences for him saying he was going to callher, but I don’t think they’d have been willing to kill Leon Spade for it.

I lean hard against the wall, sagging there and almost dropping the bath sponge.

Why don’t I feel anything?

Why do I feel like I’d do it again in a heartbeat?

Maybe I really am broken.

I realize my breathing is starting to come more quickly, but it’s more at the thought that something is seriously wrong with me than what I’ve done.

I know that Caleb, Havoc, and Vortex aren’t going to discard me. Now, more than ever, I know they aren’t going to let my family take me without a fight. But at the same time, I know they’re going to think differently of me — for better or for worse.

All three of them had been shocked, and I don’t know how they’re going to cover up the mess. Caleb had assured me that it would be dealt with by the time I was done showering, but I’m not stupid enough to think that the long-term effects won’t be a problem.

Therewillbe consequences, and they’re consequences Caleb is going to have to deal with.

They’ll shelter me like they always do, and I don’t know if I deserve it.

I’m grateful for it anyway.

I open my eyes, stepping back under the stream to rinse off. My skin is bright red, both from the heat of the water and the scrubbing, but there’s nothing that can be done about that now. I hang up thebath sponge and shut off the water, stepping out of the shower stall and onto the rug.

I don’t hear anything from the other room, which means no one’s come back yet, so I take my time drying off. I glance at the door, where small orange paws are frantically trying to get my attention, and it brings the first smile to my lips since returning to the room.

I grab my pajama pants and shirt and put them on, then head out into the living room. Nacho purrs loudly as he rubs against my ankles, and I lean down so I can pick him up. He immediately tries to climb onto my shoulder, and I let him, grateful for the feeling of warmth and comfort.

Heading to the couch, I settle down, and he gets down into my lap. I want to put the TV on for some degree of normalcy, but I feel so strange and awkward. I shouldn’t be wanting to continue my life like this when I’ve just taken someone else’s without having any remorse about it.

But here I am, wanting it anyway, and I can’t bring myself to feel guilty no matter how hard I try.

The door opens, and I glance up to see Havoc coming through the door.

I tense, something uncertain bubbling up inside of me.

What the fuck did you do?

I pull Nacho closer to me, and he meows in protest, his tiny claws digging into my skin until I let him go. “Hi,” I mumble, watching Havoc warily.

“Hey,” Havoc says. He reaches out for me, then stops himself.

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