Page 137 of Gambler's Fallacy

Hurt crashes into me, and I shrink back against the couch.

What if he hates me? What if he looks at me and sees me as a monster?

“Sorry. I need to wash my hands first,” Havoc says. I look at his hands, which are ruddy with dirt and blood. He goes to the kitchen sink and starts scrubbing at his hands.

He washes his hands for a lot longer than normal. After he shuts the water off, he comes back and stands infront of me.

“I might need a shower too.” Havoc gives me a once over. “You look clean. Good. Vortex and Caleb are handling the rest. I had to help with… um, the carpet. It was too heavy for Caleb.”

I nod. I wish I feltsomething, even queasy at the thought of what had to have been in the carpet that was too heavy for Caleb to handle: the body of Caleb’s grandfather.

“Does he hate me?” I blurt out.

After all, Leonhadbeen family, and I don’t know how I’d feel if someone harmed my mother or sister.

“Definitely not,” Havoc says immediately. “He was mostly worried about you.” He runs a hand through his hair. “We all are. That was… well, it’s not easy.”

I hesitate. “Should I feel bad about it?” I ask warily. “Because… I don’t. I know I probably should, but I only feel relieved, Havoc.”

“I’m not going to miss that asshole, that’s for sure.” Havoc finally sits down next to me on the couch, and he pets Nacho. “No, don’t feel bad about it. We’ll figure it out.” He barks out a cynical laugh. “Caleb will figure it out. I feel like a headless chicken.”

I want to move closer to him, but I’m not sure he wants it, so I stay put. “I’m still sorry I made things hard. I…” I nibble on my bottom lip, rubbing at one of the spots on my arm I’d rubbed almost raw in the shower. “I can’t even say it was something I just did because I panicked. I knew what I was doing.” I look at him, and for the first time, tears well up in my eyes. “I’m broken, Havoc. Really, really broken.”

Havoc shakes his head. “No. You aren’t. Not any more than the rest of us. I mean, I can’t even fucking control my temper half the time. Caleb’s a domineering asshole who launders money for his mob family. Vortex has done way worse shit than what you did today. Seriously, you’re looking pretty rosy in comparison to us.”

I don’t think I look rosy, considering I killed a man in cold blood. I wipe at my eyes anyway, then I ask, “Can I come closer?”

I don’t know why I’m asking, except that I’m half-sure he’s going to tell me he needs distance right now.

“Yeah, of course.” Havoc lifts his arm, and I scoot into his personal space. Nacho gets annoyed by the movement and hops off my lap, choosing Caleb’s armchair as his new napping spot.

I sigh in relief when Havoc wraps his arm around me and kisses the top of my head. I fall silent, realizing I don’t know what to say now. He’s offered me absolution, but I don’t know if I can accept it.

It’s a bizarre feeling.

“I think that maybe I’d like you to teach me how to defend myself now,” I say, my voice small.

It’s a terrifying thing to say, but with Caleb’s grandfather, I’d mostly gotten lucky that he hadn’t seen the attack coming. He’d been old and slow, and I’d been fast and determined, but that’ll only get me so far in any other situation.

“That’s a good idea,” Havoc says. He pulls me closer to himself. “I’ll get you on a training regimen. You probably won’t ever be able to beat a guy like Blade Fury, but most people aren’t trained like he is.”

I nod. “I might be able to beat him, if he throws the fight again,” I joke, and Havoc barks out a laugh.

The door opens again, and Caleb and Vortex walk through it. They both look tired, and worry starts to gnaw at me until Vortex smiles at me.

“Hey,” he says. “Give me five minutes to shower, then we’ll take care of you, okay?”

Take care of me.

I don’t deserve it, but I want it — whateveritis.

I nod, my eyes flicking to Caleb.

“You take Seven’s bathroom, I’ll shower in mine,” Caleb says. He pauses by the couch on the way to his bedroom and pats my head. “Think about what you want from us, pet.”

I want everything.

“Okay,” I say, my heart starting to race. My mind goes blank, though, and I realize I’ve been expecting to be punished for what I’ve done. The fact that I’m not is a heady feeling, and I move into Havoc’s lap so I can straddle him.

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