Page 76 of Possession

I let myself exist in that for a long time. I let it center and calm me.

It’s safe to be with him. It’s okay that he sees me like this. I trust him.

Lucas whispers, “Will you tell me what happened?”

He doesn’t rush my response or get upset when I finally speak only to ask, “Vitali texted you?”

“Yes. But he didn’t say what happened. Only that …”

“That what?”

“That you needed me.”

Embarrassment flashes through me, but it fades quickly because it’s tied only to Vitali, not to Lucas. I did need Lucas. Idoneed him.

“I don’t know what happened,” I admit.

I didn’t tell Lucas about the time I walked out of the club into the street because it would’ve worried him.I’mworried. I’ve snapped plenty of times, but snapping makes sense to me. This kind of thing, however …

This is the second time that something truly weird has happened. I can’t explain it, and it freaks me out.

Lucas doesn’t push for what I can’t give, but he does ask, “Was it because you spent too many hours out with me today?”

“No.”

Lucas makes a sound like he’s not convinced, but it’s not a lie. Being already strained made me more vulnerable maybe, butsomething else happened. I think it was the alcohol. The smell of it. The taste. It tripped some wire in my brain.

I tell him, “I really liked being with you today.”

Lucas makes another disbelieving sound, and now I’m frustrated. “Why don’t you believe me?”

I feel him shrug. “It was hard for you.”

“I can like things that are hard for me.”

“Yeah, I guess so.”

At first, I’m annoyed by his continued doubt. I don’t lie to him, and he surely knows that. But this isn’t about me. This is about Lucas not feeling good about me doing something for him when I was struggling with it.

I say, “I want more days like today. I want to take you out to dinner.”

“Really?”

“Lucas,” I groan. “Just believe me.”

“I just … I don’t want us to do things that aren’t good for you.”

“Being with you is good for me.”

He makes a happy sound and lays a hand on my face. “I love you, Roman.”

I pet his hair. “I love you too.”

As he snuggles into me and I wrap my arms around him, I’m amazed by how easy it was to say those words, how easy even to hear them. I haven’t spoken those words to anyone since my mother died, not even to Vitali. I never thought I would.

But I’ve spent a lot of years in silence. I know that truths can exist unspoken, and that truth has already long existed between Lucas and me.

TWENTY-SIX

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