Page 38 of Defensive Zone

Oh, wow. I don’t know what I was expecting him to say, but it sure wasn’t that.

All those times he reached out, wanting to talk to me, and I avoided him, made excuses not to speak to him—was he trying to tell me something? Has he been trying to work through these feelings on his own because I wasn’t there for him?

Something twists in my chest. A deep-rooted ache at the thought of a confused, lonely Carter wanting nothing more than to speak to me—the person who was supposed to be his best friend—and all I did was keep pushing him away instead.

Fuck, I’m such an asshole.

Swallowing hard, I’m almost scared to ask, “And what feelings are those?”

“That I’ve been looking for love in the wrong place. That it’s been right in front of me all this time.”

My breath hitches.

Is this really happening?

This is everything I’ve wanted for so long. For almost two decades, all I’ve ever wanted was for Carter to feel the same way about me. To love me as more than a friend.

So why do I have this heavy weight of uncertainty in the pit of my stomach? I don’t know if I could survive having a taste of Carter just to have him decide it isn’t for him.

ThatI’mnot for him.

It would completely destroy me.

“I know it all seems very sudden, but I’ve had a lot of time to think about things.” His words come out in a nervous ramble as he twirls the hoodie string around his finger, dark brows furrowing in concern. “And I understand if you need time. I want you to know that I’m here, and I would like to see where this goes with no barriers between us, if that’s what you would like too. I’m not going anywhere.”

He’s right about it being very sudden, but he’s also right that he’s had a lot of time to think about it. He’s had over a week to think and reflect on the conversation I can’t remember having while I’ve been in the hospital and knocked out in bed with a migraine.

Don’t get me wrong, I trust Carter with my life, but there’s still this level of… apprehension. The walls I’ve carefully constructed around my heart over the years remain in place, and I don’t want to lower them too soon. Not until I know he’s all in and that he won’t freak out.

Not until I know this won’t completely ruin us, because I can’t risk losing him if it goes wrong.

But it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy it. It just means I need to remember to make sure I go slow and ease him into this gently.

I reach up and run my hand over the back of his head, combing my fingers through the soft curls before gripping the back of his neck. I tug his head down and nip his bottom lip.

“Good, because I don’t want you going anywhere.”

Surprise flicks over his face as he lights up with a wide, toothy grin. “Really?”

“Yeah, really.”

“Mhm,” he murmurs and brushes his mouth against mine. “So, where were we?”

This time, when our lips meet, it’s not soft and languid like it was in the shower. Our tongues meet with a little more urgency. His tongue explores my mouth with eager, hungry strokes.

I don’t know why I expected Carter to be more hesitant, because whenever he’s set his mind to something before, he’s fully committed.

He moans into my mouth, fingers clutching the wet strands of my hair as he grinds his hips against my thigh, and holy fuck, he’s hard.

I made my best friendhard.

Am I having some kind of fever dream? Am I actually awake, or is this a crazy illusion my migraine has curated, deciding to torture me in a different way?

My cock thickens in my sweats as his teeth graze over my bottom lip, sucking it into his mouth and releasing it with a wet pop.

“Will you… Will you tell me about it?”

“About what?” I rasp, blinking him into focus.

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