Page 90 of Born a Queen

Chapter Forty-Eight

Raina wandered listlessly through the mansion unsure of what to do with herself. She wasn't sure if she was in a state of shock, acceptance, grief, or anger. She thought probably shock since she couldn't seem to process her feelings.

After Mateo left, Raina had stayed in the bedroom in an attempt to avoid him. She tried to busy herself with his latest romance novel, Christina Dodd’s The Prince Kidnaps a Bride, but she couldn't seem to settle into it. After a few hours of pacing the room, taking the longest shower of her life, and spending extra time on her hair, makeup and clothes, Raina figured enough time had passed that she could leave the bedroom. She walked down to the kitchen and stood staring at their fully stocked refrigerator for nearly ten minutes before deciding that she wasn't hungry.

Raina wandered the house and the grounds and then she went in search of Giovanni. He wasn't the one she wanted to discuss her problem with, but he was a houseguest and someone deserving respect, it was her job to make sure he was comfortable and happy in her home.

But when she found Angela sitting in her office, Raina discovered that Giovanni had left for the day. Apparently, he and Sotza had set up a meet and were going to discuss some transatlantic trade. Raina stood looking at Angela for a few uncomfortable minutes. Though she didn't know who was uncomfortable with those minutes, Angela seemed unflappable and Raina was too much in shock to feel anything. She considered unburdening on Angela but decided that their friendship was still at a vulnerable stage, not the cry-all-over, trash-talk-the-bad-boyfriend and eat-a bucket-of-ice-cream-together stage.

Raina closed the door to the office and left Angela to herself. She decided to try and work for a couple of hours. She sat down at her desk and pulled out the proofs for a set of fake passports under the name Kevin Glad. Of course, that wasn't the man's real name. "Kevin" needed fake passports for Australia, South Africa and the Senegal.

Raina had been curious when he commissioned her and had done some digging on the dark web. She discovered that her new client was wanted for trafficking women and children. Raina judged him. She judged him big time. She also made the decision to risk her reputation by giving him detectable papers. Meaning, he would be stopped the second he tried to enter a country with his fake passports. He would be extradited to his home country and put on trial.

Raina hoped there would be no damage to her reputation, but she knew in her heart that she would never be able to allow a man like “Kevin” free and easy movement throughout the world. She was going to put a stop to his activities, even if she had to do it single-handedly.

Working on the passports helped ease Raina's mind. She became so absorbed in her art that she didn't have the capacity left over to dwell on a future that had become suddenly more bleak. After a few hours she finished up the commission and set the freshly done passports aside.

"Now what?" she asked the empty room with a miserable sigh.

It was now two o'clock in the afternoon. She should be hungry, but she didn't think she could stomach food quite yet. Raina had always been an emotional eater. But she was also an emotional non-eater. When she felt anxious or depressed, she wanted all the food everywhere. But when she felt like this, like there was a gaping hole in her chest, she couldn't touch her meals.

Raina only felt this way twice before. Once, when she was a child and she found out that her kidney failure had become so acute that she'd have to have a transplant. The second time was when she was around fourteen and found information that confirmed she was adopted. At the time she had thought that her birth mother had abandoned her. She hadn't understood why Elvira had given her up and Raina fallen into a deep pit of angry despair.

Yeah, that was exactly how she felt. Angry despair. She was angry because her fiancé had made a monumental decision about their mutual future without consulting her. And she felt despair because she knew that despite the steps he took to ensure she would never have his child, she still loved him too deeply to contemplate leaving him. So, she was left with this deep aching hurt inside. A hurt that she didn't know how to get rid of.

Finally, Raina decided that she needed to do the healthy thing and contact someone who could talk her through the feelings. Someone who could give her the comfort she needed during these dark hours until she could reconcile herself to the idea of never having a baby.

Raina called Vee, but her birth mother had been distracted and cool on the phone. Apparently, she had been part of the meeting with Sotza and Giovanni and was anxious to get back to it.

"You can adopt, sweetie," Vee said, somewhat impatiently. "I understand that this was a shock. But Mateo is not wrong. Your body is delicate and fragile, we don't know that it can take the stress of birth."

"That isn’t the point!" Raina growled her frustration. "He should have at least talked to me. It’s my body, I should be the one who decides. He can't make decisions like this for both of us."

Vee sighed deeply. "Raina, I sympathize, but you need to face reality. You’re about to become a mob wife. Your duty is to your husband. As much as it galls me to say it, you will be expected to obey. You have a husband who adores you and will do anything for you. He’ll lay down his life for you. That's not something common in our world. Don't make any rash decisions without considering this. Mateo won't let you leave, but he can make your life miserable if you don't cooperate."

Raina felt like her mother refused to understand her point of view. Vee was speaking from her own life experience. She’d had deep trauma after the abuse she suffered at the hands of her first husband, Tony Montana. She’d risen up to become a fierce queen, but it was obvious that her inner scars were not yet healed.

Raina murmured her thanks for Vee's advice, said goodbye and ended the call. She took several deep breaths, swiped at her eyes and reminded herself that Vee loved her deeply and would always be on her side.

Then Raina made the even bigger mistake of calling Diane. She poured her heart out to her adoptive mother, even telling her about Vee's unsatisfactory reaction. Unfortunately, Diane’s emotions went in the complete opposite direction. She was devastated by the news, possibly even more so than Raina. She cried and mourned the loss of grandchildren. Finally, Diane calmed down enough to offer her small bit of advice.

"You can adopt," Diane said with a sniffle, a glimmer of hope in her voice. "Why didn't I think of that right away! We adopted you and look how wonderful that turned out? There's no reason why you can't do the same."

Raina shook her head. "Would you have adopted if you were still deeply entrenched in the Miami crime scene? Or would you have felt terrible about keeping a child who could have gotten adopted by perfectly normal parents, living a perfectly normal and safe life. Would you take that chance away from a baby? Bring them into a life where they could be hurt, or expected to become something like an enforcer? I don't think I can do it."

"Oh dear, I see what you mean." Diane started crying again.

Raina listened to her mother, attempting to comfort her.

Raina supposed having a baby would have the same outcome as adoption. She would be purposely bringing a child into a life filled with danger. But somehow, giving birth was different. As though if she gambled with the possibility of pregnancy, it was out of her hands when it actually happened. But that wasn't taking responsibility. No matter what, the idea of children growing up around organized crime was a murky one. Perhaps Mateo was right, maybe not about the vasectomy, but about not bringing babies into their world.

Raina decided to call her best friend. That was who she needed. A good dose of someone who would agree with her no matter what. Who would be angry and sad on her behalf. She would be happy on Raina's behalf too.

Whatever Raina needed; Cassie would give.

Raina tapped her contact and waited for her to pick up. At first Cassie had been livid on Raina’s behalf, calling Mateo every name in the book and threatening to march down to Miami to castrate him. Her wildly imaginative descriptions of what she would do to Mateo made Raina laugh out loud until she felt better. After a while Raina felt the need to defend Mateo. Then, Cassie switched gears into ‘let's fix this’ mode.

"I understand your reasons for not wanting to adopt, but what about having a surrogate baby? I'm sure it's not something you've thought of, but you should. Then you can have one of your own without putting strain on your body and leave the moral decisions behind." Cassie sounded proud of her ability to find a compromise.

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