Page 101 of Beautifully Conflicted

“Spit it out.” Bennet runs his fingers up my arm on one of the rare occasions when I’m the little spoon.

“Spit what out?”

“Whatever’s got you so tense that you can’t sleep.”

“Honestly,” I draw the word out as I gather the courage to say what I’m thinking. “I’m wondering if this thing between us is real enough that I should be thinking like Cam.”

“How so?”

“Giving up the dream.”

“What?” Bennet goes stiff, the relative softness of his pec going instantly hard under my cheek as he flexes. “Don’t you dare think that.”

“I’m wrong to wonder if this is real?” I try to keep my voice level even though internally I’m freaking out. “I mean, secret obviously, butreal.”

Bennet’s quiet for a beat, still aside from a measured exhale. “I don’t know what to think about us yet,” he finally says as he resumes stroking my arm. “I want it to be real and I’m scared that it is at the same time. Either way, what’s definitely real is your shot at the NFL, and you shouldn’t give that up for a guy that doesn’t know if he’ll tell his dad about you, much less the entire world.”

“Okay fair.” I take a steadying breath and keep pressing. “But say this is legit. Legit enough to not walk away from it. We’d each have to give something up to make it happen. You coming out would be your sacrifice, maybe mine should be giving up football. I mean, if I’m lucky that’ll be ten years of my life, and ifwe’relucky we could be forever, and I…” Now it’s my turn to tense up. “Shit, sorry. Forget I said that. I didn’t mean to jump ahead like that.”

“Damien, why do you tiptoe around me, like any mention of us being forever will set me off?”

It takes a second for his words to register, yet once they do, I’m still in a state of disbelief. “You aren’t freaked out that I’ve got forever on the brain?”

“I’m freaked out thatI’vegot forever on the brain. At least knowing you do too makes me feel a little less crazy about how quickly I got to that point. Like I said before, you’re skilled enough to get draftedregardless of your sexuality, so if anyone should give up the dream it should be me.”

I suck in a startled breath. “But you’ve wanted to go pro your whole life.”

“I have. And I’m not saying I’m ready to give up that dream, I’m saying if either of us does, then it should be me.”

I prop myself up on my elbow so I can see his face, trying not to gasp again when I see the turmoil on it. “You’d do that?”

Bennet’s sapphire eyes almost look navy from the confusion in them. “I have no idea anymore,” he whispers, and it’s so forlorn I feel guilty for leading him down this path. At the same time, I’ve never felt more hopeful aboutus.

I won’t spring that on him now, though.

“Whatever happens, you know I hate you, right?” My question gets him to crack a tiny smile, just like I hoped it would.

“Yeah, I do. I hate you too.”

Bennet

The stadium is packed, the pre-game hum of thousands of conversations drifting down to the field where we’re warming up. Some guys wear headphones to drown that out, but the anticipation of the crowd amps me up better than any playlist ever could. I use it as fuel.

Of course, the energy isn’t as high for a spring scrimmage as it would be during a normal game, but it’s enough to have me excited. Not only does the winner get bragging rights, the outcome of this game will determine whether the offense or defense gets those shoes Coach has been dangling in front of us all semester, and I for one, plan to put in my order before the day is over.

Not that our defense has made this competition easy. The points tally has us neck and neck, indicating we’ve shown equal amounts of commitment and improvement over the past several months. I just know the defense only has one weapon to effectively deploy against me and Jagger—Damien—and he can’t cover us both.

That, and the offense has more returning players than the defense does.

We’ve got some promising new recruits that will join the defense next season, but they’re still finishing their senior year of high school,giving the offense the advantage for this game. And while the players on the field today aren’t an exact match to what the sideline will look like in the fall, spring games are a nice little preview of what to expect during the regular season. Hence why the stadium is so full.

Not to mention, it’s a gorgeous day with blue skies and not too much heat, so players and fans alike are happy to be outside.

“Ready to kick some ass?” Jagger bumps my shoulder with his and puts his helmet on, getting ready for the kickoff that will mark the start of the game.

“You know it.”

Our kicker sends the ball soaring downfield and into the end zone, meaning the offense will get the ball on the defense’s twenty-five-yard line. We get into our huddle so the quarterback, Nate, can relay the play from Coach. Then we line up for the snap.

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