Page 85 of Steel

“Jericho,” she whispers again.

“Baby girl, you’re really startin’ to freak me the fuck out. What the hell are you goin’ on about?”

“You don’t see it, do you? God, I’m sorry.”

My muscles start to tighten under the caresses of her hands against my thighs. “Bailee?”

“Bossman,” she starts softly, and I already know I’m going to fucking not want to hear what she’s about to say. “She didn’t have permission to touch you.”

“Know that.”

“You didn’t give her consent to give you the blowjob.”

“Know that too. We just talked about it,” I say sharply.

Bailee lifts to her feet so she’s standing between my thighs, and I set the glass down on the table so I can place my hands at her waist. “Can I sit on your lap?”

Instead of answering her, I lift and help settle her so she’s straddling me. Her arms go around my neck, and she crosses her legs behind my back, resting them on the coffee table. Then she lays her forehead against mine.

“Jericho, if I told you some man who I didn’t like woke me up with his face between my legs, without my consent, what would you tell me?” she asks softly.

My body trembles under hers at the imagery her words conjure. “I’d tell you he’s a fuckin’ dead man for sexually assaultin’ you.”

She just stares into my eyes as she waits for me to realize what I just said. When I do, my fingers dig into the flesh at her hips. Her nails pierce the skin at the nape of my neck, anchoring me when I want to shed the flesh from my body and have it replaced with the untainted.

But that’s pointless, ain’t it?

I’m a Dirty Maverick. I’m dirty ‘til I die.

I came into this world filthy, and I’m going out the same way.

“She thought we were workin’ on our relationship,” I rumble quietly.

Bailee’s head jerks back, and she peers down at me, her eyes searching mine, trying to see if she actually heard what she thought she did. Her hands lift to cup my cheeks.

“What she did isn’t your fault, Jericho. It doesn’t matter what she thought. Without your explicit consent beforehand, what she did is wrong on so many levels. I know it’s hard for you to accept, and I’m not going to push it because I know it’s something you’ll have to come to terms with on your own, but I’ll be here if you need me.”

Her words drill into me, cementing my feet to the ground, when I only want to run from what she’s trying to make me face.

“Too good for my world, baby girl.” I place my lips against her forehead before tucking her under my chin and holding her tome. “Don’t know if I’m ready to accept what you’re wantin’ me to. That shit makes me a victim, and I ain’t ever been one of those. Not ready to be one at the hands of a woman who gave birth to my kid. ‘Cause then that makes me want to slit her fuckin’ throat, and I can’t take my kid’s mom from her.”

Bailee’s breath heats my skin as she exhales heavily, and I shiver. “Steel, if it’s only the word victim that’s stopping you from accepting what happened to you, then you can switch it out with survivor. But the rest of it? I get it. That’s a big burden on your shoulders, and I hate that you have to carry it. So, even though I’m hurt that I was blindsided by everything, I’m here to share that burden with you. Let my shoulders hold some of it so it’s not so heavy. You have enough to deal with. When you’re with me, drop the mask, drop the need to control it all, and let me take some of it on for you.”

“Sorry she was able to blindside you, baby girl. Should’ve told you about the shit goin’ on with her, but not really sure what’s goin’ on between me and you, so it might’ve been a stupid move, but didn’t think it was important.”

“I don’t think either of us is really sure what’s going on between us, Steel. There was so much toxicity in the past that it makes me leery to trust anything in the present. Especially with all this stuff with Heather. Back then, I was always coming third in your life. First was Lyric, who I was absolutely okay with coming before me and I always will be, but then Heather came before me too. And I know she’s Lyric’s mom, so she’s got to matter some, but I thought what we had was more than what it was. Honestly, it’s on me for that. So, I’ve just got to be careful this time around, you know. I can’t forget to make sure I matter, which is something I didn’t do in the past. It was always about you.”

It’s easier talking about shit like this when we’re not staring each other in the face. There’s more vulnerability when I haveto look into her eyes while laying myself open. Something I’ve never done before.

“Not goin’ to make you promises, Bailee. Too easy to break. I get it. Our past was shit, and what I did was fucked-up. Just wanted what was right for my little girl, and I thought it was her mom and dad together. By then, you were already under my skin, so anytime Heather wanted to get fucked-up and stepped out on me to get it, I went to get the drug of my choice. Wasn’t right, me usin’ you like that, but, fuck, Lee, you were there anytime I tried to be with someone else. Might not want to hear it, and I apologize if it hurts to hear, but, baby girl, anytime I was fuckin’ someone else, it wasn’t them I was with. It was you. Always has been. I was loyal to Heather physically, but in my head and my heart, I was the least loyal motherfucker there was.”

“So, why didn’t you come to me when you two split up for good?” she asks in a watery voice, and the way she sniffles alerts me to the tears silently falling from her eyes against my chest.

“Men like me, baby girl, we like to run from things we don’t want to admit. Things like a woman ownin’ so much of us that we can’t fuck someone else without it being her we think of. Things like wantin’ to own that woman back but knowin’ it won’t matter because she doesn’t belong in my world. Got my road name for a reason, Lee. I’m good at lockin’ shit down when I don’t want to feel it. Got a steel vault in my head that holds everything I don’t want to face. That’s where you stayed ‘til your ass called my number needin’ help.” I chuckle. “Knew the moment your name flashed up that we were both fucked. Knew a long time ago that if you ever came back into my life, there’d be no way in hell I’d ever be able to let you the fuck go.”

“I’m scared, Jericho,” she whispers.

“About what, baby girl?”

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