Page 43 of Steel

“Logically, I know that. Emotionally, I keep tellin’ myself I can’t do that to Lyric. Despite everything, Lyric loves her mom, and our daughter is the only person in the world who loves Heather unconditionally right now. Guess I keep hopin’ that will one day be incentive enough for her to clean her shit up and do right by our girl.” I glance over at the couch and my heart aches at the sadness I see on Lyric’s face even in her sleep. “Fuckin’ foolin’ myself. Heather’s only goin’ to get clean if she wants to. It doesn’t matter what Lyric or I do. I don’t give a shit about her, but I can’t seem to stop myself from doin’ whatever the fuck I can to try to get her to give up the drugs.” My quiet laugh is bitter as I turn back to them. “Can you fuckin’ believe I told her I’d try again if she got clean?”

“Oh, Steel, tell me you’re kidding,” Nova says.

“I was only tellin’ her what she needed to hear so she’d agree to clean herself up. But if she actually does get clean, doesn’t that little girl over there deserve to have her parents under the same roof?”

“Brother, what that little girl deserves is to see her dad happy instead of constantly putting himself last just to please her. What you’re doing, while commendable, isn’t healthy. Staying with Heather because of Lyric is only going to breed resentment. Hell, look at how toxic it was before this last split. It was nasty, brother. You and Heather? Even without Lyric, you’d havenever worked. That little girl is the only thing you two have in common, and she’s the only thing that’s ever held you together.”

Wraith places his hand on my shoulder and gives it a squeeze as we both turn to glance down at my sleeping daughter. “You need to think about what kind of life you really want to give her, Steel. Because her mother isn’t fucking going to step up in the way she needs and deep down, no matter how much you want to try to believe otherwise, you know this too.”

Wraith’s words stick with me during the drive home.

Does Lyric pick up on my unhappiness when I’m with Heather? I know that she said she didn’t want us to live together again, but is it really because of the reason she told me? Maybe it’s time I sit Lyric down and have a serious talk with her. She’s nearing seven years old, and she’s smart as hell. She should be able to understand the importance of our talk. It’s not only my life, so why shouldn’t she be included in whatever decision I make?

Lyric wakes up as I’m tucking her into bed, and I brush the hair from her eyes. “Hey, Princess. You’re home.”

She stares up at me with solemn eyes. “Thank you, Daddy.”

“Want to tell me what happened to make you want to come home?”

“Mommy called the phone you made me take.” Lyric chews on her lip and then continues. “Daddy, she said that we’re going to be living together again and being a family.”

Of course, she did. “How does that make you feel? Do you want that?”

Lyric shrugs sleepily. “Don’t know. I know I said I didn’t want to before, but it might be all right, huh, Daddy?”

“Not sure, Princess. Ain’t really thought about it much. How about I think about it, okay? You know I’ll do what’s best for us, right?”

“Know, Daddy,” she mumbles, her eyes closing.

Her breathing evens out, and with a sigh, I brush a kiss against her head and stand. I pick up her shoes, place them on the rack beside her door, and set her bag on the chair in the corner for her to put up tomorrow, then pull the door shut behind me.

The front door flies open, and I have my gun out and pointed in that direction by the time the person steps through.

Heather’s eyes widen, and a squeal comes from her as her bag drops to the floor and she raises her hands in the air. “It’s just me, baby.”

I flick the safety back on and place my gun in the holster under my cut. “What are you doin’ here, Heather?”

This bitch has got some balls on her to fucking waltz in here like she’s a permanent fixture in this place. She’s never lived here, and the longer I look at her and remember the hell I’ve gone through with her, I don’t think I ever want her to.

“You said we were getting back together. I told you, we can’t do that if we’re not in the same place, honey. You have to see that we can work together as a family.”

Scrubbing my hands over my face, I sigh, so fucking exhausted with everything. “Heather, we tried for six fuckin’ years and were never able to make it work. We’re not good together. Toxicity surrounds us when we try to be in a relationship. Want to give Lyric a happy home and that’s hard to do when we’re a couple.”

She walks closer and reaches out to touch me, but I step back, not missing her scowl when I do. “I told you I’ll be better this time. I promise. I love you and Lyric. Please, baby.”

I search her eyes for any sign of drug use, but for once, she looks clean. Doesn’t mean I don’t miss the calculation hidden in the depths. The last couple times I’ve seen her, she seemed to be trying, but I don’t want to be with her. That part of us is finished. I gave her six years of my life, and I’m not sure I have it in me to give her any more of it. Heather is the mother of my daughter, and you can’t give someone that many years of your life withoutfeelingsomethingfor them. It’s not a lot, but I do care. I just want her to be present for our daughter, and for her to do that, she’s got to put down her dope and stay away from the people who aren’t good for her.

“Look, H. Fuckin’ beat. Why don’t you take the spare room for tonight, and we’ll come at this conversation another time, yeah?”

The best move is to ignore the look of disappointment and anger on her face, so instead of worrying about it, I grab her bag and carry it into the spare room, sitting it on the bed. “Bed shit is clean. No one uses this room unless one of the brothers comes for the night. You know where the bathroom is. Lyric is asleep, so try not to make too much noise. Goodnight.”

“Wait, that’s it?” she asks, stopping me at the doorway.

I turn with a raised brow. “What else is there supposed to be?”

Heather works her jaw back and forth, and her nostrils flare before she smiles sweetly. “Nothing. Goodnight, baby.”

I see right through that fake-ass shit.

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