Page 52 of Irons

“Don’t ever apologize for leaving and not coming back, at least not to me. I did almost the same thing as you. I rarely visit home for my own reasons, and you had yours. I needed you, but I also wasn’t your responsibility. Life was so hard without you, and I thought about you every single day.” She broke down and cried. “I didn’t know how to live without you. You would think it would get easier with time, but the longer I lived without you, the more my heart was torn from my chest. You left to protect me from your bad decisions, but it was your presence in my life that kept me from making my own bad decisions. I mademistakes, Travis. The kind of mistakes I will always carry with me.”

I rounded the island then pulled her into my arms. If I understood her correctly, it wasn’t her time in the service that hurt her the most. It was something back home. I pressed my lips against her head and held her tightly in my arms. “You don’t have to tell me everything at once. Just take your time.”

“You were missed more than you ever could know.” She sniffled. “There wasn’t one day I lived that something didn’t remind me of you. Dad still misses you, and please don’t ever think you grew up without love. I’ll never blame you for leaving, because you did exactly what you had to do to heal and move on with your life.”

I held her close and didn’t want to let go anytime soon. “I thought of you every single day too. Every time I thought about coming home it was always to you. You were my home for as long as I could remember, but I didn’t want to interrupt your life. I didn’t look you up because I feared learning your life wasn’t what you dreamed of it being. I was also ashamed of what I did and never wanted to see pity in your eyes when you looked at me ever again.” I kissed her head again and took in her scent. She might have been wearing perfume, I wasn’t sure, but she always had an underlying scent that made me feel warm and at home.

“I promise I never pitied you the way you might think. All the anger I ever felt about never seeing you again was directed at your parents. I blamed them for your accident, not you. I knew the real Travis Irons. I knew that you were highly intelligent, gentle, kind, strong, and how you always wanted to do the right thing. I also knew you were lost and screaming for their attention. I could never understand how they could treat such an amazing person so poorly. You were meant for wonderful things and seeing you now confirms everything I always knew aboutyou.” Her voice broke as she cried. “I am so proud of you. Look at what you’ve helped build, it’s amazing and you help so many people that need it.”

I squeezed her a little tighter and fought my own emotions. Not because she was crying and that triggered my emotions, but when it all comes down to it, she was everything I ever needed. I just didn’t realize it until I did some healing and could let go of all my guilt and the anger toward my parents. “You were and always will be the best thing that ever happened to me. If you weren’t there when we were kids, I probably would never have known what it was like to be loved by anyone other than Tony. He wasn’t exactly an affectionate guy, but I know he loved me as his own son. It was you though, you taught me how to listen, how to comfort someone, and you definitely taught me affection …and patience.” I chuckled.

She giggled through her tears. “I always challenged you because you treated me like a delicate flower. I loved seeing the frustration on your face every time I climbed a tree you didn’t think was strong enough to hold me. I’d walk on the wrong side of the road, go for walks after dark, and remember the time I rode that skateboard down Tresslers Hill? I only did those things to get a rise out of you and test your patience. You always thought I was going to get hurt.”

I growled. “That fucking skateboard. It was a death trap with you on it. You were such a pain in the ass because it seemed like you had no fear.”

She giggled again. “I know what happened to that thing. You said you didn’t know anything, but you lied. I’d go as far as to bet real money it’s still sitting at the bottom of Miller's pond.”

I chuckled. “Along with a few other dangerous contraptions, like the damn lawn jarts your grandpa gave you from his garage.”

She laughed. “You were protecting yourself with that one. It was always funny watching you jump around as you ran for your life.”

“You always threw those fuckers at my feet, and your aim was spot on.” I chuckled again. “I happen to remember a certain adorable blond with pigtails that looked like an absolute angel getting so frustrated with that old game your grandma gave you, that you didn’t just cry, but obliterated that thing. It was the funniest shit I ever saw when it flew across the room then you pulled the old springboard move like a WWE wrestler. You jumped on top that thing then punched it into little pieces, but no, that wasn’t enough for Wrenly. You had to stomp on it and yell all the worst cuss words at it. I think I recall the words mother fucker and cunt ass bitch.” I continued to laugh. “You were like nine I think, and I laughed so hard my stomach hurt really bad.”

She growled. “That fucking piece of shit. It was the game Operation, and that fucker kept zapping and making noises every single time I tried to take out an organ. Then I found out it was my dad’s favorite game when he was little, and Grandma kept it for that reason. She even asked me about it from time to time. It was the only time I ever lied to my grandma.”

Love Again

Wrenly

I came so close to dumping all my sorrows and regrets on him, but I held back. Traveling down memory lane wasn’t easy, but doable in small doses. The issue I was facing was how much I needed him when I lost my baby. He was weighing heavily on my mind, and I was still aching for Travis to hold me and comfort me through that grief. To take away all my fears and be the person I needed when it happened. I still lived in those moments, and I needed him to reach through the years and pull me into this new future with him in my life. It wasn’t Matt’s fault that he couldn’t give me what I needed. It wasn’t fair to him that he wasn’t the person I cried for that night and every other night that I felt alone and grieved for what I lost. One of the most hurtful parts of my pregnancy was accepting the fact that none of my dreams were ever going to come true. I wouldn’t serve in the military, and I could accept that, but what I couldn’t accept was the loss of my lifelong dreams that included Travis. From the time I was little and able to think about my future, I always dreamed of a beautiful wedding where I would marry Travis then we would have little babies and live happily ever after. Those thoughts made me feel guilty during my pregnancy and then I blamed myself when I lost my son. Maybe if I wouldn’thave grieved over my lost dreams, my baby wouldn’t have been taken from this world.

Once I felt Travis’s arms around me, I knew I could never have that connection with anyone but him. I didn’t notice how strange it was the way we looked at each other when we finally let go. It wasn’t normal to look into someone’s eyes that you hadn’t seen in fifteen years and see yourself in them. Those eyes of his held all my most wonderful childhood memories. Behind them was my first love, all the hope I had as a child, and everything else I have ever needed. I never got it wrong when it came to Travis. I knew then just as I know now that I love him in the biggest way imaginable. He might not have known it, but he was always with me. He was in all my laughs, all my tears, and beside me in every step I ever took. He was with me in that delivery room when they cut my son out of me, and he was holding my hand as we laid my baby boy to rest. He was there for all my military training, every mission, and every single time I held the hand of a wounded Marine. He was in every breath I took, and every beat of my heart. If anyone else would have been in the room and saw the way we just stood there looking into each other’s eyes, they’d probably be creeped out, but to me it was one of the best moments of my life.

It took us a few minutes to shake out of it, and he cleared his throat then stepped back to work on dinner. I gulped down the glass of wine I abandoned a few minutes prior over on the counter before pouring another one.

“I was stationed at Camp Lejeune after boot camp in San Diego. I was sent to the middle east of course, but had missions in Africa and South America. Once upon a time I had a short relationship with another Marine Raider. We didn’t work out because I just wasn’t feeling it. I’m barely in touch with my team. We all went our separate ways. Some had families, and otherswent dark. After the Marines I went to the FBI as you know, and spent two years undercover with the Scorpions.” I was trying to avoid talking about home, but also trying to answer some questions I thought might have been on his mind. That’s why I gave him the short and quick version of my adult life.

He was placing the chicken in the oven then paused, but put it in and stood back up straight. His reaction told me he had some difficult questions. “You were Stone’s old lady?” He busied himself by wiping down the counter, obviously avoiding eye contact with me.

“Yeah, but not until he was done prospecting. He claimed to have met me at a bar and took me home the first night we met.”

There was a vein on his neck that popped out as he tried to act unaffected. I knew what he was thinking, it was the same question the other agents asked when it was over. I was really testing his patience, and I knew it. I noticed he swallowed hard as he looked down at the counter and not at me.

“I took the assignment thinking I had the upper hand. You and I both spent time in the MC clubhouse with dad and Tony. This was nothing like that place. You should have seen the shock on my face when I stepped into the Scorpions clubhouse. There I was, a girl without all that much experience getting an eye full. I almost blew our cover in the first five minutes. I never saw anything like it in my life. Stone’s face was beet red when he saw my reaction. He tried to prepare me, but I swear it was around the clock drugs and sex.”

I could swear that vein on his neck was pulsating as he waited for me to get to the point. He didn’t say a word, just stood there with his hands on the counter and looking down. He washaving the same reaction as my dad when he learned where I was undercover.

“So anyway, it was definitely a culture shock. What about you, ever been to a clubhouse? Like a real one, maybe Club X?” Yep, I was testing him.

“Fuck no.” He shook his head as he continued to look down. “I mean, I’ve never been to Club X after dark. I have witnessed what you did, but never participated.” He swallowed hard again. “I saw things…Jesus I saw things I never ever wanted to see.” That vein only grew, and a new one popped out on his head. “Those women…and the guys…fuck no.” He shook his head again.

I giggled. “Who would have thought out of the two of us, you’d be the most shy about such things.”

His face slowly grew redder, and those veins became even more prominent. He was pissed and probably feeling a little sick.

“Thank God it was perfectly acceptable for bikers to be protective of their old ladies. All of our fake shenanigans happened behind closed doors, and I never had to participate. I shared a bedroom with Stone for two years and never once did he disrespect me by touching me. He played his part well as a cheating bastard. I was the understanding and open minded old lady. Stone was tough and kicked the shit out of anyone that ever tried anything on me. Not that I couldn’t have done it myself, but it was part of our cover. After a while I earned respect, and nobody messed with me again. They knew I was Stone’s old lady and didn’t dare try anything. Unfortunately, I witnessed what Stone did with those women, but I was just thankful I didn’t have to do the same. Not even with Stone.” If he was thinking I went without sex for those two years, he would have been right.

He let out a breath I presumed he was holding then rounded the island before he pulled me into his arms. “Thank God, I was afraid to ask, but knew you’d eventually tell me.” He kissed the top of my head. I closed my eyes and took in his distinct scent and that safe warm feeling of finally being home. With anyone else, I wouldn’t have had that conversation. It wasn’t their business, but the closeness between us made it his business.

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