Page 15 of Irons

He turned me to look at him and lowered his head to kiss me. “If these are our hardest days, then we are going to have the best lives. I love both of you to the moon and back.” He kissed me again.

We moved into our apartment early because Matt had to start training with the team. We were lucky to find a two bedroom apartment so close to campus and I was putting together the nursery. We thought we had it all figured out, but we actually had no clue. We were engaged and planned to marry the next summer. We were so young, naïve, and happy that day,but by that night, Matt was holding our tiny baby boy in his hands as he sobbed for our little boy. He was so hurt because we both already loved our son so much, and I knew Matt would have given his life for both of us.

It was my fault. I killed our baby by doing something Matt told me not to do. He had practice, and I wanted to finish moving, so I went back home to grab the last of our boxes. On my way back to Norman, I stopped at Target to pick a few things up for our apartment. I parked the car and was walking toward the entrance of the store when a golf cart came from nowhere and hit me. It was chaos when other shoppers chased down the golf cart that was just going to leave me laying there on the asphalt. I didn’t think I was that terribly injured and even spoke with the police to give them my statement as they loaded me into an ambulance. I looked down and saw blood on the white sheet and knew I was more injured than I originally thought. When I got to the hospital they couldn’t find my baby’s heartbeat. I was raced into surgery knowing my baby had already died. They tried to save him, but it was too late.

After that day, Matt was distant and cold toward me. My grief and guilt made it worse. He tried to be there for me, but I could always sense his anger. He didn’t focus on us, he had other priorities. The driver of the golf cart was drinking and Matt made it his mission in life to make sure that driver was prosecuted for killing our son. Unfortunately, the driver was only sixteen years old. I didn’t want the boy’s life to be over. He needed to learn a lesson, but not lose everything in the process. He didn’t mean to hurt us, and he was too young to face such a grim future. I knew the incident would haunt him for the rest of his life.

Two months later, Matt begged me not to leave. He sobbed and apologized for being so shut off as he grieved. His arms tried to hold on to me as I was trying the leave the apartment. I tried to leave when he wasn’t home, but somehow he found out I was moving my things from the apartment. He ran straight off the field and all the way home to stop me. It was the hardest day in my life since I lost our son. I never wanted to hurt Matt, but I had to leave. Seeing him in so much pain hurt too much. The guilt was about more than just our baby, it was for also never letting go of Travis. I loved Matt, but there was a greater part of me that was still screaming for my first friend. I knew back when I was considering the military that it was going to be too easy to leave Matt if that was the choice I made. That always made me feel guilty because it wasn’t Matt I dreamed about at night, it was a boy I hadn’t seen since I was fourteen years old.

PresentDay

Matt’s eyes had unshed tears in them, but the way he looked at me was almost apologetic. My eyes trailed down to his left hand where I saw a wedding band. A beautiful brunette walked up next to him and asked if he was okay.

“I’ll see you later, Jill.” Instead of going to the bathroom, I went for my purse and ran outside toward the car.

“Wrenly, wait!” Jill caught up to me. “I should have told you he bought a ranch and is home sporadically during this time of year. Well, he is usually playing football but is home more now with his injury and all.”

“It’s okay.” I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

“No, it’s not. You shouldn’t have found out about them this way.” She tried to hug me, but I took a step back.

“Them?”

Her eyes softened. “They have a two year old son.”

I felt like I was kicked in the gut.

“I’m sorry, I have to go.” I jumped into the car and my hands were still shaking as I started it. I cried all the way to my parents’ house then sat in the driveway to make some sort of an attempt to compose myself.

I had no right to be hurt. I didn’t love him the right way and I left him knowing he would move on. It was more about our son and realizing he was replaced. I looked out the window and saw Tony’s house. Of course, I remembered the events that sent me down that road toward Matt and our baby.

Fifteen Years Ago

It was the morning of Tony’s funeral, and my dad knocked on my door as I was getting ready. I had my black dress laying on the bed and was braiding my hair.

“Can we talk for a minute?” Dad asked.

“Sure.” I finished the braid and started putting the hair tie on the bottom.

Dad sat on my bed. “Could you turn around and look at me?

“Yes.” I could see his image in the mirror and knew he was a total mess. He already was a mess because of Tony’s death, but something else was wrong. I turned in my vanity chair and he sat with his elbows resting on his knees and his hands clasped. He really looked like hell.

“Travis stole a car and had a crash last night. He’s going to be okay, but he wasn’t just drunk but high as well. There was a girl in the car with him. He is injured, but will recover. The girl had more serious injuries, but should recover as well. It could have been a lot worse than it was.”

I felt nauseated and could barely process what he just said.

“He’s in the hospital for now, but after the funeral today, I have to get him an attorney. His parents and grandparents have decided not to support him. Wrenly, he is going to be arrested, probably tomorrow when he’s discharged from the hospital.”

“I…I can’t…I…He’s okay?” I was shaking in shock.

“Physically yes, but he is facing some serious charges and will probably do some time in juvenile detention.”

I shook my head in confusion. “Wait…what do you mean?”

He sat up and rubbed the back of his neck. “These are serious charges, and just because he’s a juvenile it doesn’t mean he will get off easy. Especially with parents that refuse to help. They are going straight to California after the funeral, and Child Services are now involved. They’re facing abandonment and neglect charges themselves. Wrenly, Travis won’t be coming home. His parents are not bailing him out and he’s going to stay in the custody of the state even after he serves a sentence.”

I studied the grief and regret on my dad’s face and couldn’t wrap my mind around it. “He’s barely fifteen. How could they just abandon him when it’s obvious they’re the cause of it all? What, since Bobby was kidnapped Travis means nothing?” I was getting angry. “We have to go to the hospital.” I stood to grab some jeans.

---