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She rolls her eyes. “Don’t remind me. I still have a month to go.”

“How’s little…” I look toward her two snotty toddlers, completely blanking on their names. They’re named after nature. What were they?Tree? Clover? Banana?Full Moon?

“Shadow and River,” she snaps.

“Right. Sorry. Forgot. Which one’s which, again?”

“The girl is River. The boy is Shadow,” she huffs. “You’ve met them many times, Lexi.”

I feign regret. “I know. I’m sorry. I’m horrible with names. Do you know what you’re having?” I look at her belly.

“Yeah, another boy. Going to call him Night.” She manages a smile.

“Oh.” I nod. “To go with Shadow?”

“Exactly.” Jules grins as Little River—who is about a year and a half, if I remember correctly—climbs onto Jules’s lap and wipes her tear-soaked face across Jules’s shoulder, leaving a long slug-looking snot stain in her wake.

Lord have mercy.

I swallow down the sickening lump in my throat and clear a spot on the sofa before taking a seat. “I just wanted to visit and see how you were.”

The fact that Jules has no words of advice to offer me is now clear. Her life is a shit show, and for once, I’m going to try to care.

“Have you heard from Night’s father?” I ask as Shadow runs a Hot Wheels car up my leg.

“No.” Jules sighs. “Last I heard, he was in Montana.”

“Montana? What the hell is in Montana?” I chuckle.

“Some girl, I’m sure.” She rolls her eyes. “It’s fine.” She waves her hand through the air. “I hate him. Hope I never see him again.”

That’s a wish I think will come true.

“And the other two?” I look toward Shadow and River.

“Nope. It’s just me…and my parents,” she groans. A frown forms on her face at the mention of her mom and dad. Though the moment River snuggles into her chest, the corners of her mouth tilt back up into a grin, and she kisses River’s wispy blond hair.

“Ow!” I howl as Shadow brings down his metal car onto the sensitive spot on my knee that causes my foot to kick up.

“Hey! What did I say about hitting?” Jules yells, her brow furrowed.

Shadow immediately starts to scream, and big crocodile tears stream down his face.

“It’s fine,” I offer. “I’m fine.”

Julie extends an arm and starts digging in the cracks of the cushions. After a minute, she produces the remote control and turns on the TV.

“There you go,Mickey Mouse Clubhouseis on. Go do the hot dog dance for Mommy,” she says to Shadow.

The little boy hurries to the middle of the carpet and starts contorting his body into weird shapes. River claps, and Jules cheers him on.

“What the hell—I mean heck—is a hot dog dance?” I ask.

Julie wears a genuine smile as she watches this peculiar little boy perform. “It’s the dance that the characters do at the beginning of the show. It’s their favorite.”

I look around this hellhole in shock. It’s seriously a nightmare. It’s messy, loud, and smells vaguely of shitty diapers. There are snotty children with odd names, and my friend, whose only form of birth control is pregnancy. Yet there’s love and happiness. One must wade through the garbage to find it, but it’s there.

It hits me that even Jules has found happiness. The thought makes my chest hurt because it highlights the fact that something is majorly wrong with me. She can find joy in this hell, yet I can’t find it anywhere.

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