Page 72 of Keeping London (Flawed Heart)

I think of Cooper, my true brother, and the wedding that he might not be able to attend. Finally, I think of my beautiful London and how very much I’m going to miss her.

My eyes find Cooper’s, and in them, I see determination, regret, and love. His stare communicates so much, but it takes me a fraction of a second too long to realize what.

I yell, “No!” as my arm reaches out for him even though I know he’s not within my reach.

I lunge toward him as I watch him fall on the grenade.

The explosive beneath his body detonates. I stare in horror as Cooper’s body comes apart and shatters into pieces, tearing through the air. I’m off my feet and flying backward, but I’m unable to take my eyes off of my friend, my brother. Debris flies toward me, but I don’t feel it hit me.

I can’t feel anything.

As I collide with a hard surface behind me and I fall to the ground, everything fades to black. So many emotions are ripping me to pieces, but the last thought that burns through my mind before the darkness pulls me under is that I hope I never feel anything again.

London

“Love is crazy. It turns sane, independent people into wide-eyed, mushy-hearted saps. And I love it.”

—London Wright

I like how, every time I open my email, the question number gets larger in the subject line. It’s not an accurate count as to how many days I’ve been without Loïc. When he’s gone on multiple-day missions, he can’t send an email, and then some days, we are able to send more than one question back and forth. So, it’s not precise in keeping track of the days gone by, but it’s actually kind of averaging out to almost one question a day. I get an intense feeling of joy when I see the question number in the comment line of each new email. It’s like the larger the number, the closer I am to seeing him again.

Loïc’s been gone two and a half months, and although I wouldn’t say it’s getting easier to be apart from him, it’s becoming less difficult—if that makes any sense at all. I guess I’m able to manage my feelings better and control the agonizing longing my heart feels for him. I’m trying to keep myself busy, which helps, too.

My heart falls when I open my email and see that I don’t have a new one from him. The last one was from two days ago, February 20, Loïc’s twenty-sixth birthday. I do what I always do when I don’t find a new email from him, I re-read the last one he sent.

To: London Wright

From: Loïc Berkeley

Subject: Question 80

I don’t know. My eighth birthday might have been overtaken by my twenty-sixth. Our Skype session earlier was amazing, London. The only thing that would have been more amazing was if I could have been home with you, but we’ve got next year, right?

To answer your question, yes, I’ve jumped out of airplanes. I wouldn’t call it skydiving exactly, but I think it counts. I’ve actually jumped out of many airplanes and helicopters. It’s part of my training, part of what I do. But I will gladly take you skydiving when I’m home. I’d love to experience that first with you.

I’m possibly going to be gone all day tomorrow. I’ll write when I’m back. I have a very early wake-up call, so I’m going to sign off.

So, question 80 is kinda deep. What’s your greatest regret?

I know I’ve told you how I want to find Nan and Granddad when I get back. Well, now that my heart isn’t filled with so much hurt and hate, I regret not trying to find them earlier. As soon as I get back from our mission, I’m going to use some of my downtime here to look them up. You know, I think you’re right. Something must have happened.

It’s taken loving you for me to realize that. I know now that, when you really love someone, you would never just abandon them without reason. I believe in my heart that they truly loved me when I was little. Even as a young boy, I felt their love. It was real.

So, something must have happened. There must be a reason, I think. Don’t you?

Gotta go to bed.

I love you, London.

Love,

Loïc

I read my response to him from yesterday.

To: Loïc Berkeley

From: London Wright

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