Page 23 of Sinning for Santa

“So you have impure thoughts, and you go to a sex club to indulge a little, yet when you leave, you have the urge to confess this for God’s forgiveness?”

“Yes.”

“Why?” he asks so seriously, and this time I’m not that ashamed to admit the reason why.

“I’m scared.”

There. I’ve said it out loud to this wicked man. Nothing can be worse than that.

Well, I guess death by his hands could be.

“Scared of what, little mouse?”

“Indulging,”I admit so freely. It’s like he has a hold of me. Like I’m a puppet he’s controlling.

I guess I really would do just about anything to save my own life.

“What did Father Peters say about indulging?” Devon nudges, his tone laced with curiosity.

“He said something about temptation being acknowledged by God. That resisting it can bring strong personal growth, but that the Lord does not wish us to face temptations that are beyond our ability to resist. And then he pointed out that Cloud 9 seems to be beyond my ability.”

“And what do you think about that? Do you think going to Cloud 9 is beyond your ability to resist?” The deep gravel of his tone, no longer harsh or playful, but rather utterly mindful, penetrates beneath my flesh, settling over me like a second skin as I part my lips to answer in a whisper.

“Sometimes I think the temptation will suffocate me if I don’t give in to it.”

Something that sounds a helluva lot like a growl rumbles in his chest, and I notice his hands gripping the steering wheel, his knuckles white like he’s trying to strangle it. I’m not sure what it is about my words that has him reacting this way, but I don’t think it’s good.

“So you go to Cloud 9. You watch but you haven’t given in to temptation. The temptation of what little mouse?” he asks. “Of joining in? Of stepping into the throes of an orgy laid out before you? Of letting other men and women touch you in places you ache to be touched?”

“Stop.” I rush out as heat pools between my legs, reminding me of my devious desires.

“What’s so wrong with that?” he asks in all seriousness.

“What do you mean?” I snap, staring at him in disbelief. “It’s so inappropriate.”

“For who exactly?” he asks, his eyes watching something in the rearview mirror before he returns his attention to the road. “Is it inappropriate for the people that are there because they want to be? They’re there because they want toindulge, little mouse. They are there because they want to be explored and to explore. To push their boundaries and give in to the temptations. Why is that wrong?”

“It just is,” I rush out, my lower lip quivering as shame washes over me.

What would Eddie say if he knew? Would he cancel our engagement? Would he insist on counselling with Father Peters? Hell, I know Father Peters has already offered so many times, knowing the struggles I have. Knowing I’m about to be married.

I know Eddie would cancel our engagement. Without a doubt.

Hell, he hasn’t even let me kiss him properly. Nothing more than a peck. How many times have I practically begged him to even touch me? Sometimes I wonder why we’re even getting married. And yes, I know it was always something that’s meant to happen. Growing up together, our parents always threw us together, smiling and talking about the day we would get married. So is that really why I said yes to him? To appease my family?

It’s not the first time I’ve had that thought, but it’s the first time I want to scream. Because yes, I think that’s exactly why I said yes. Everything I’ve been doing, my schooling, my work, my friends, my relationships, are all to appease my family and Eddie. No one’s ever asked me what I want to do. No one has ever asked me if I even want to be married. If that’s the type of future I want for myself.

Everything is just expected.

“So I’m guessing by your reaction that you don’t go to Cloud 9 with your fiancé.”

My eyes dart to his and his gaze shoots to my hand telling me he’s noticed my engagement ring.

Even though it’s too late and I know he’s seen it, I still shove my hand under my thigh, covering up the evidence like it will somehow make a difference.

“Why don’t you go to Cloud 9 with your fiancé, little mouse? Surely you would both get some enjoyment out of it and you wouldn’t have to only watch. I’m guessing that’s why you stand on the sidelines because you’re a taken woman and adultery is a sin you’re not willing to commit.”

My cheeks flare remembering how I kissed this man not that long ago.

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