Page 78 of Sinning for Santa

“But I couldn’t stop.”

“So you gave in to temptation, and were rewarded with pleasure. If you had stopped, what do you think would have happened?”

I blink at his question, wracking my brain for the answer, but all I can come up with is regret.

“I would have been annoyed, I think. I would have regretted not going through with it, just to see what it would be like.”

“But you gave in. You pushed away everything you’ve been taught, to indulge in sin.” This time, I can tell he leans forward by the way his elbows come to rest on top of his knees. “Tell me, Jaxcen. Was it worth it?”

“Yes.” The word escapes me before I can stop it, and I can feel the heat in my cheeks flare to life at my admission.

“What do you think your fiancé would say about it?”

“I imagine he wouldn’t be pleased,” I admit.

“I imagine he wouldn’t,” Devon agrees, leaning back to clasp his hands in front of his lap again. “Are you going to tell him?”

I frown at that question. I hadn’t really considered that, but I probably should.

“Can I ask you a question?” I almost whisper, but he hears and responds.

“Go ahead.”

“Do you think he will still want to marry me if I tell him?” I bite my lip, anxiously waiting for his response, but all I get is another question.

“Do you want him to still want to marry you, or are you hoping the answer is no, in the hopes he will break it off with you?”

Dread thumps to the bottom of my gut at his question, and I realise it’s because I want him to dump me and leave me alone but there’s a big chance he won’t.

My lip trembles at the epiphany.

Eddie likes to control me. Not the same way Devon does. I feel like the monster on the other side of the screen challenges me more than anything, where Eddie belittles me to keep me compliant, just so he can save face.

“Jaxcen?” Devon’s deep rumble is like a fine red wine. Smooth, filling me with warmth. Comfort. Contentment.

“I don’t want to marry him,” I admit on a whisper.

“No? What do you want to do then? Go to Cloud 9 and step over the line?”

“Yes…” I shake my head. “Wait, no. I just…”

“You just what?”

My lips seal tight, and my heart aches as everything I want threatens to burst free, yet I know I can’t have them. I know my family will never approve.

“Answer me!” he booms, and a squeal flies from my lips as I jump in fright, my knees slipping off the tuffet.

“I just want to do the things I want to do and not be made to feel bad about them,” I yell back, my admission exploding from me as more tears burn my eyes, spilling over to my cheeks.

“Then why don’t you?” he asks, his hands gripping his thighs again as I reposition myself on the tuffet.

“My family won’t approve. They are very religious. I’ve already brought them so much shame. I can’t bear to put them through that again.”

“Why are you living your life to please others, little mouse? Why don’t you just do as you like and if they don’t like it, then they can look away.”

“It’s not that simple.” I sob, slapping at the tears that just keep coming.

“Why not?You only get one life. If you’re not getting fulfilment from serving others’ expectations, then why not live for your own?”

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