Page 180 of Sinning for Santa

Today is New Year’s Eve. I’ve never been to a New Year’s Eve party, because Eddie didn’t approve, and I’d love to go to one, but when Presley reminds me that she’s going to a Marx party that Liam invited us to, I decline.

What ifhe’sthere? I can’t bear to see Devon right now. I just don’t think I’d recover from it.

Pres and I venture out into the city for lunch, the air warm, the city bustling with celebrations already starting up.

Melbourne has an amazing fireworks display that happens along the Yarra River each year. I’ve only ever watched it on TV, but I suppose I might see some of it from Presley’s apartment since she’s only a block from the river.

“Are you sure you won’t come with me tonight? I can ask Liam if Devon will be there. If he’s not, you might actually enjoy yourself.”

I smile warmly at my sister’s third attempt in the last two hours to get me to change my mind, but I shake my head, and take a bite of another fry as a chill runs up my spine.

It’s happening again. The feeling of being watched.

I don’t know how to explain it. Call it intuition. Or perhaps I’m just crazy. Who knows.

But I can’t shake the feeling someone has been following me again. Just like yesterday.

“I’ll pass,” I say again to my sister, trying to push away my concerns about being stalked. “I want to get my shoes organised.”

Presley laughs. “Why didn’t I know you had so many shoes? And expensive ones at that?”

I shrug. “Eddie didn’t like them.” I remind her, then change the tone of my voice, mocking Eddie’s voice.“Shoes like that aren’t a necessity, Jaxcen. That is nothing but greed, and greed is a sin. I expect better of you.”

I roll my eyes and Presleygiggles. “Your impersonation of him is on point.”

I nod. “He did like the sound of his own voice. I heard his lectures many times.”

Presley sighs. “I didn’t know that, Jax.” She reaches across the table and takes my hand. “I’m sorry I didn’t know.”

“It’s not your fault. I thought it was normal.” I shrug, and all it does is make Presley stare at me with more concern, and all I feel is pathetic.

“You know, you seem so different now,” Pres says, snatching one of the fries off my plate.

“How so?” I ask, glancing around to see if I can spot anyone watching us.

“You just seem so much more… alive.”

My gaze darts to hers to see her eating the fry but watching me.

“Alive?” I ask, remembering that’s what I felt around Devon.

We’d spoken about this at the cliffs in Woodall Ridge on Christmas Day, and at the time, I did feel alive. Now though, I feel dead inside.

“Yeah. There’s this light in your eyes that wasn’t there before. It’s like you’re seeing the world for the first time. Seeing all the possibilities and opportunities at your feet. There’s a whole world of wonders for you to explore, and I think you’re finally seeing that.”

She’s right of course. With my eyes wide open, not only do I see what my parents, Dr Xavier, and Eddie did as disgustingly wrong, but I see all the things that are acceptable and right.

Like the woman, two tables over, dressed to impress, her skin glowing with a fresh tan, her nails like claws and her rings sparkling. Her shoes are Jimmy Choo’s, and her bag looks like it’s Prada. She looks classy. Happy. And even though her style isn’t mine, I envy her.

Then there are the two guys in the corner. Happy. Laughing, sharing a plate of food and feeding each other. They don’t care about showing their feelings in public. The churchfrowns upon same sex couples, but it’s not illegal, and those two men don’t care. They are clearly in love. And scanning the crowd sitting at tables around them shows that they don’t care either.

“I see so much now,” I mutter quietly, envious of everyone around me. “Why do you think our parents are the way they are?”

Presley’s brows shoot up at my question, and she takes a sip of her wine before answering.

“I read Mum’s diary last year,” she admits, and this time my brows shoot high.

“You did? What did it say?”

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