Page 179 of Sinning for Santa

With the eyes of many still on me, I turn and head into the Palace, crossing through the bar and into my office where I lock the door and crack open my bottle of whiskey.

It’s the only comfort I’ll ever get.

Chapter thirty-nine

Jaxcen

Even with all the trauma I faced as a child, I don’t think I’ve ever cried this much in my life. I feel pathetic. Out of sorts. I only knew that man for five days. What the hell did I really think was going to happen?

That we were going to stay in that town forever and have sex daily until I had his child, and then do it all over again?

Dammit.

Maybe I did actually think that.

Why am I so naive? So gullible?

It felt so real.

It felt like more than sex.

But what do I have to compare it to?

My relationship with Eddie? The very sexless one where he shamed me for having desires. The one where he dictated my job, where I live, how I live, what I buy and don’t buy, what I eat, and where I pray.

My life skills have been stunted. I know that now. But I don’t know how I’m meant to live in the real world without those rules. Without those strict guidelines that spell out the difference between right or wrong.

But it’s just religion, right? Not the law.

There’s no law against gluttony. No law against pride, greed, lust or envy. It’s not illegal to gossip, or be lazy, or even commit adultery, and the only time lying is illegal is when it’s in the court of law or speaking to the police. Hell, even wrathisn’t illegal. I can hate someone, and that’s okay, as long as I don’t get violent, right?

So really, in religion, or the religion I was raised with, the only sins that should concern me are stealing and murder. Those two are illegal.

So why couldn’t I see that before all of this happened? Before the devil kidnapped me and woke me from the spell I’d been under?

I’d been conditioned. Just like at Holly River Estate. Just like with Eddie. I’d been conditioned to conform to behave and believe certain things.

Well, I don’t believe in them anymore, but I’ve never navigated the world with my eyes wide open like this, and I’m scared. So scared.

The drive back to the city was torturous. Liam kept trying to make jokes and lighten the mood, and Warrick, who wore the black bag over his head until we reached the city limits, kept telling stories about the stupid stuff he and Devon got up to when they were little.

It made me realise how little I knew about Devon Marx. I learned more from his brother in the two hour drive than in the five days I spent as his little mouse.

Presley insisted I go back to her place, where I’ve been staying ever since.

The first three days I didn’t get out of bed, but on day four, she dragged my sorry arse out and insisted we go to my place and clean it out.

So that’s what we did for two days, relocating my few things and my shoe collection to her apartment.

I found the cameras as we started packing things away. There were two different kinds which I’m guessing one came from Vincent, and the other from Devon’s men.

I burned them all.

I also went to the closest pawn shop and hocked my engagement ring. I was expecting the clerk to tell me it wasn’t even a real diamond, but it was, and I got six hundred dollars for it, which I used to buy myself some new shoes.

Theretail therapy worked for like five minutes.

That little outing made me feel better for a short time, until I had the strange feeling I was being followed, and like a coward, I hurried back to Presley’s and locked myself inside for the rest of the day.

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