Page 27 of What We Broke

A house without him hurts more than the thought of fighting with him.

At least if we’re fighting, he’d be here.

No matter how angry he is, or how much his words hurt, I want him here. I don’t believe in distance, I don’t believe in taking a break. And he knows that.

* * *

Awkwardly,with a six-pack of beer in hand, I knock on Deacon’s apartment door, feeling a little out of place, but not enough to have declined the invitation.

“Hey, man.” I turn to find Wade stepping out of the elevator just as Deacon opens the door.

“Oh, it’s a real Duquette’s reunion out here.” He widens the door and gives us enough room to walk through. “How are you, fellas? Long time no see.”

I raise the beer. “Want me to put it in the fridge?”

He tips his head in the direction of the kitchen. “Yeah, Julian is in there finishing up dinner.”

Leaving him and Wade to talk shit in the doorway, I find Julian cutting up vegetables for a salad.

“Julian, hey,” I greet.

He looks up from the chopping board. “Jesse. It’s so good to see you.” He eyes the six-pack. “Just pop it in the fridge. Bottom shelf should have room.”

I follow his instructions, closing the fridge just as Wade and Deacon join us. They’re still talking about work stuff, so I move closer to Julian and see if he needs a hand.

“No, I’m about done,” he answers. “We didn’t put much effort in tonight. I just made some spaghetti and meatballs with garlic bread and a salad for Deacon because he’s on a no-carb diet.”

It takes a few too many seconds before Julian’s words register. “What? Since when?”

“A few weeks,” he answers.

“You’re not on a no-carb diet,” I say loud enough to interrupt Deacon and Wade’s conversation.

“Yes, I am.”

Wade interjects, “No, you’re not. I’ve seen you buy one of those gourmet sandwiches from the cafe across the street almost every day this week.”

Deacon glances at Julian, who just laughs. “Why are you looking guiltily at me? I didn’t tell you to go on a diet, you put yourself on one.”

“It’s not a diet,” he clarifies. “It’s a lifestyle change.”

“It’s not anything if you’re still eating carbs,” Wade adds.

“I’m just trying to be healthier and more fit for when the…” His voice trails off as he looks at me. And when Wade and Julian look at me with worry too, I know exactly what he was going to say.

“When the baby comes,” I finish.

Sadness fills the room, and I hate that my presence and my past put it there.

People, especially Deacon and Julian, deserve to enjoy the highlights of life’s journey. We all know of the fragility of life. One way or another, we’ve all had it slip through our hands, and being happy doesn’t ever detract from that.

We are complex creatures, and grief and happiness can co-exist. I can hurt and long for and miss my baby, and that won’t ever mean that I can’t be elated for theirs.

“Did you find a surrogate?” I ask, knowing that was the route they were wanting to start their family with.

“Jesse, man,” Deacon starts, and I put up a hand.

“Don’t,” I tell him. “I want you to be able to talk about it in front of me. It’s not like I don’t pick up bits of it here and there when I see you at work.”

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