Page 95 of Without You

I refrain from arguing with him, and I pretend those three words don’t feel like a slap to the face, because I made myself a promise: Julian needs to do what Julian needs to do, and I will accept wherever that road takes him.

It’s not an easy choice, but it’s the right one. For both him and me.

Julian’s hands are still touching me. My cheeks, my neck, my back, my hair. While we just stare at one another, with nothing but truth and unspoken feelings of love between us.

I revel in the knowledge that he doesn’t seem to want the distance any more than I do. I can live with that right now. I can work with that.

“I know how quick the week will go,” he discloses. “And I know how much I’m going to miss you when I get back home.”

“Well, lucky for you,” I say playfully, “I’m not going to work for the rest of the week.”

“You’re not?” There’s a glimmer of excitement in his eyes, and I thank the heavens for having a friend like Wade to kick my ass when I need it. “You didn’t have to do that,” he backtracks. “I would’ve been fine entertaining myself.”

I press my hips into his jokingly. “Why? When I could entertain you so much better.”

A smile breaks out on his face, and I capture his bottom lip with my teeth. “Could I interest you in some dick on dick time?”

He throws his head back in laughter, and it’s that perfect reminder that heishappy.

Julian tsks. “Dick has turned you greedy.”

“No.” I smirk. “Yourdick has turned me greedy.”

“Wait, wait, wait,” he says, pushing me up off him. “I want to show you what I did today, before we get carried away.”

Leaning back on the couch, my arms spread across the back of it, I watch him walk into my bedroom and come back with a page full of writing. When he sits back down, he wordlessly hands me the piece of paper.

My eyes scan what’s in front of me, and my heart skips a beat. It’s a list of colleges. Some I recognize, some I don’t; all of them here in Seattle.

I clear my throat, trying to school my voice. “Should I be getting my hopes up?”

“They’re all the schools that have good teaching programs,” he supplies. “There’s a lot I have to take into account––namely money,” he admits. “But I want you to know I really want this to work.”

Turning to look at him, I slide my hand to cup his face, my thumb grazing his cheek. I believe him. I believe his efforts are made from the purest place, with the most honest intentions. But I’m scared. I’m scared that when he leaves here and goes back to the shell of a life he had withhim, all the effort in the world isn’t going to be enough to bring him back to this life withme.

22

Julian

The days were flying by and I was doing everything in my mere mortal power to try and slow them down. Spoiler alert, nothing was working.

It had been a beautiful glimpse into what my life could be like without the constant reminder of what I was leaving behind.

When we were here, we were so much more than two people connected by grief. I was me and he was him, and we were individuals who laughed at the same jokes, enjoyed the same movies, and argued about food.

I was contemplating a future, and not just with reference to Deacon. My head was clearer than it had ever been, my lungs could breathe and my heart was so full, there was nothing left for it to do but fucking explode.

It is going to kill me to go back to Montana, and that only made the decision for me to come back the right one.

I hadn’t told Deacon yet, because I knew how protective he was about the idea of me doing whatIneeded to do and not being swayed by whatwewere doing.

And while school and a new job were very persuasive reasons to stay here, the only one that mattered was Deacon. The only thing that swayed me to Seattle was him, and I didn’t have one good reason to stay away.

I knew I was going to have to contend with how I was going to pack the last twenty years of my life into a few cardboard boxes, but that wasn’t Deacon’s problem, it was mine.

And it wasn’t something I wanted to think about now anyway.

Today we were spending the day with Deacon’s friend and business partner, and it felt like a big deal. The last and only time I’d ever seen Wade was at Rhett’s funeral, where I was the grieving boyfriend. And now, I am the boyfriend.

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