Page 92 of Without You

I look around the workshop. “Working?”

“I can see that,” he drolls. “But why are you here and not with him?”

Slowly, I bring my head all the way out from underneath the hood and stand, facing Wade who’s cleaning an engine over by the work bench. “I just wanted to help you catch up, and I’m giving him a bit of time to explore Seattle, discover things he likes, reasons he could live here.”

“And none of that includes you?”

“What’s with the twenty questions?” I ask defensively.

“Nothing.” He raises his hands in mock surrender. “I’m just trying to figure out why you’re not doing those things with him. Spending the week with him before he leaves again.”

“I want him to like this place becausehelikes it,” I explain. “Not because I’m here—I don’t want him to move just for me. I don’t want to smother him.”

“That’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard,” he mutters, shaking his head. “Are you going to watch him get an apartment too? Both of you living separately because you’re too worried your feelings will scare him, so you didn’t open your fucking mouth?”

“Who said anything about moving in together?” I argue. “Isn’t that a bit fast?”

He throws a wrench onto the bench in anger and wipes his greasy hands on a towel. “You’re head over heels for aguyfor fuck’s sake, what does fast even mean at this point?”

“I’m not head—”

Wade raises his hand, silencing me. “Don’t you even bother finishing that sentence. I know what love is.I’min love. You can pretend you’re not, or ignore it if it makes you feel better about it, but you are most definitely in love with him.”

Not wanting to explore his observation any further, I give Wade my back and resume my work under the hood of the car. It’s not that I hadn’t considered falling in love with Julian as a possibility, it was more the wonder of when it had actually happened.

“So, is he at least enjoying his days ‘exploring’?” Wade probes. “Do you think he’ll stay?”

“He’s been looking at colleges and job opportunities,” I tell him. “They’re fairly permanent types of searches, don’t you think?” Wade offers a small smile. “What?” I ask defensively. “I just want him to be putting himself first, you know?”

I air one of my biggest fears, the worry that Julian will put me first, and he’ll merge into my life without specifying his needs and wants. And that bothers me. I know the circumstances were different, but that’s what he’s done with his whole life. More specifically, when Rhett got sick.

Julian became whoever Rhett or his sickness required him to be, and that’s not going to work for us. I want him to be the man he’s always been meant to be.

“I do know,” Wade agrees. “What type of jobs is he looking for?”

“He’s sticking to bartending for now,” I inform. “The hours are usually flexible for students and he’s got years of experience.”

“Are you telling your family?”

The question feels like it came out of left field, but in reality, it’s exactly what one would expect we’d do. My gut tells me it will be a shock; whether it’s because he’s a man or because it’s Julian, I’m not sure.

They didn’t freak out that Rhett was gay, but I know the fact I’ve only ever been with women may affect their reaction.

“Eventually,” I answer ambivalently. “Probably Christmas, and only because I can’t be around them all again and keep it to myself. Thanksgiving was hard enough.”

“Deac.” I flick my gaze to his, and he’s got a sad smile on his face. “Don’t let them fuck this up for you, okay?”

“What do you mean?”

“Just remember exactly how you’re feeling right now, in Seattle, with him, and that dopey ass grin on your face. And don’t let them take that feeling away from you.”

My stomach flutters with a mixture of nervousness and fear at Wade’s warning. I know better than to feel like I can predict anybody’s reactions, but I’m really hoping Julian is what makes the difference this time.

“Thanks, man,” I say sincerely.

“For what?”

I give him a shrug. “For just fucking rolling with it.”

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