Page 61 of Without You

Finally stepping into the hot spray, I let the water cascade over me, washing away that thick coat of ick that sticks to your skin after a night filled with heavy drinking.

While rolling the tension out of my neck muscles, I grab the shower gel and begin to soap up my body. With nothing but the sound of the water hitting the floor, echoing off the tiles, I let my mind wander to where it’s wanted to go since the second I woke up.

I enjoy the play-by-play in my head, reminiscing about the heat in Julian’s eyes,and the warmth of his touch. I recall the taste of him on my tongue, and the electrical currents that ran through me because of him.

For him.

As expected, my dick stirs to life. Coupled with the absolute certainty that last night I was right where I needed to be for the first time in my life, my shaft thickens.

But it’s the quick flash of guilt and pain that was on Julian’s face after that has me leaving my erection unattended.

I shouldn’t be torturing myself with this false sense of security about my sexuality and what we did, because if his reaction last night is anything to go by, it is almost definitely, never happening again.

Waiting for my body to calm down, I give myself one more once over with the soap, and quickly brush my teeth.

By the time I’m dry, dressed and making my way downstairs, I feel a little heavy in my steps. Relieved, but unsure. Relaxed, but confused.

It’s an odd thing to feel the best (or the worst) of both worlds, but I figure leaving it alone for today, and letting it pan out organically sure as fuck isn’t going to do any harm.

I’m not going to seek him out.

I’m not going to ask about him.

I’m going to do my fucking best to try to not even think about him.

Running my fingers through my hair, I aimlessly head into the kitchen, hoping there’s something decent for breakfast because I’m famished.

A nice full plate of bacon and eggs is sure to hit the spot. Turning the corner, I’m ecstatic to see a full kitchen and extensively set up dining table. Mom is fluttering around the kitchen while Hayden and dad are sitting around the table and laughing.

It feels like old times, happier times, with the chatter and an air of comfort. It isn’t till my eyes sweep around the space to find Victoria that I see the focus of my earlier thoughts sitting at the breakfast bar; doing his best not to notice me.

A week ago I would’ve been undoubtedly pissed he was here, infiltrating this moment, but today, I’m grateful for my family’s obsessive need to have him around.

I do my best to appear ambivalent. Doing the rounds with my informal greetings, I adhere to his request to remain invisible, and casually bypass him. I don’t let my eyes linger, I don’t try to read his expression, and I don’t try to catch a glimpse of his lips.

I don’t pay him any more attention than usual, and it feels all kinds of wrong. I want to give him the space he asked for, but I also want him to know I’m not forgetting about last night anytime soon.

“Hey mom,” I say when I reach the stove. A decent foot shorter than me, I crane my neck down and kiss her on the top of the head. “What’s cooking?”

“Your sister has requested pancakes, bacon, and French toast.”

I raise an eyebrow at her. “You sure that’s going to fill you up?”

She flips me the bird. “With Lia, I was sick for the whole nine months. This time nothing I eat keeps me full.”

“I was like that with both the boys,” Mom pipes in. “It felt like a bottomless pit.”

I point at Vic. “Told you you were having a boy.”

“Everybody sit around the table, brunch is ready,” my mom announces. “Food is ready.”

Taking our seats, I find myself beside Julian. Vic and Hayden in front of us, and Mom and Dad on either side of the table.

It’s on the tip of my tongue to ask someone to swap seats with me, but I know that will attract more attention than we both want. So I shift the chair a fraction to the side, creating some distance.

Taking my seat, I feel him staring at me. This time I can’t help it. I turn my head to face him.

“What?” I challenge, a little too childishly.

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