Page 5 of Without You

Determined to put this night behind me, I walk to the nightstand beside Julian and reach over to switch off the low lit lamp. As soon as the room darkens, the sound of ragged, pained breathing fills the air.

I try to ignore the way the sound buries itself inside my chest. The way his loss resonates with my own. With every step toward the door, Iwantto ignoreeverythingabout this moment.

But I can’t.

I can’t willingly walk away from him, not while his heart is breaking. Not while his world is crumbling. Not while the sadness that echoes throughout the room mirrors the sadness that surges inside of me.

Shucking off my shoes, I throw my coat to the floor and walk around to the opposite side of the bed. I can’t explain the need, or what possesses me to comfort him this way, but that’s what it is. A need. Not a choice. My parents have each other, Victoria has her family, and he has nobody—we both have nobody.

It’s simple, but it’s the truth.

I lay down beside him, on top of the blankets and wrap my arms around him. “Shhh,” I say softly. “It’s okay,” I lie.

I pull him as close to me as possible until his back is curled nicely to my front. The second I apply pressure to his body, I feel him tremble and shake against me. The heaviness of Rhett’s death blankets us as he begins to cry in my arms.

There’s something about his vulnerability in this moment that triggers my own. The feelings I’ve been adamantly keeping at bay rising to the surface, threatening to spill over.

Through his cries, his arms manage to cover my own, holding me to him. It’s unexpectedly soothing, knowing he needs this just as much as I do.

He’s not pushing me away, and I’m not questioning why I don’t want him to. Resting my forehead on his shoulders, I finally let go of the charade I’ve been holding on to so tightly and let my own tears fall.

Huddled together, I feel a strong bond forming between us. The understanding that we share a break that can never be fixed, a void that can never be filled; a life that is now irrevocably different.

With every salty drop of emotion, I feel understood.

With every salty drop of emotion, I feel a little less lost.

With every salty drop of emotion, I feel tethered to a man I’ve spent my whole life hating.

And with that last salty drop of emotion, I know I need to get the fuck out of here.

Deacon

PRESENT DAY

“Are you breaking up with me?”

With my head in my hands, I take a long, deep breath, trying to find some calm among the chaos. I have no desire to drag this out, or even fight for this pathetic excuse of a relationship. From the moment I got the news Rhett’s cancer was back to the moment he died Josie and I have been on the downhill. Who am I kidding? There were red flags from the very beginning, and now I’m kicking myself for letting it get this far.

“Deacon, the least you can do is answer me,” Josie whines. “I know I fucked up, but I just missed you.”

I look up at her incredulously and wonder what the fuck we ever saw in one another. “You missed me, so you slept with someone else?” I narrow my brows at her in confusion. “Can you explain that one to me?”

“You’re never here.” She pouts, and my stomach rolls at the accusation.

“I’m here all the fucking time, and if I’m not, I’m at work.”

She kneels between my legs and it takes all my strength to not push her away. “You’re here, but you’re nothere. I don’t know where you are, but you’re not here. Not with me.” She takes hold of my wrists, dragging my hands away from my face. “Can you remember the last time you touched me? The last time you said I love you, and not because youneededto say it back.”

Guilt trickles down my spine. “So, why are you fighting for this if all I’ve done is force you into another man’s arms?”

“Once upon a time we were good together, I want to go back to that. You’re it for me, Deacon.”

Unceremoniously, I rise, needing some distance. Needing some fucking air. Josie’s words are suffocating. Like swallowing a jagged little pill, I feel every serrated edge slice me open that little bit more.

I know I’m responsible for the majority of the issues in our relationship, but I can’t forget the past or turn back time. I know the exact moment it all went to shit with us, and I know the exact reason why; I just don’t want to continue to rehash it.

Right now, it’s so much more than Josie cheating. We’re not good for one another, and maybe if our circumstances were different, we could’ve had the life Josie thinks she sees for us. Instead, we ignored the signs and we both suffered in silence–and that is my biggest regret.

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