Page 40 of Without You

Pushing off the table, I stand and walk toward her. Looking down at Hayden, I hold my hands out for her. “Can I take her outside for a bit?”

“Of course, man. Let me grab her jacket.” He maneuvers her arms every which way and slips a beanie over her head. “Want me to come?”

Not really holding any animosity toward my brother-in-law, I give him a quick nod. Together with Lia’s little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, we shift and angle our way through the tables.

Knowing he’s going to ask if I’m okay the minute we step outside, I begin focusing all my attention on Lia. “Want to sit on my shoulders?” I coo.

“Up. Up.” She bounces in my arms with every word. “Up. Up.”

Ensuring she’s got enough layers on to keep her warm, I take the last step over the threshold and expose us to the cool winter air. When we’re out of the doorway, I turn Lia in my arms and raise her whole, chubby body into the air.

Sitting her behind my head, I make sure her legs are hanging over my shoulders, and her hands are tightly placed in mine.

“You comfy up there, Lia Lady?” Hayden asks.

“Up. Up,” she shouts excitedly.

“I’ll take that as a yes.” Moving his gaze back down to me, his face drops in sympathy. “I know you don’t want me to ask, but I’m going to do it anyway.”

I let out a long sigh. “I’m okay, man.”

“She’s going to be beating herself up for days,” Hayden tells me.

If he didn’t treat my sister like an absolute queen, I would tell him to mind his own fucking business. But how do you fault a man who always has his wife’s back? We’ve never been close, purely based on the logistics of our lives, but his love for my sister means there isn’t a thing he wouldn’t do for me or my family.

I have a lot of respect for him, and when he talks, I often find myself listening. He’s always been a good judge of character and fair and objective in his opinions. A lot of the time, it’s him who helps my sister see reason.

I know this won’t be any different.

“We were bound to fight,” I confess. “Tension is just too high, and it’s an emotional weekend. I’ll get over it soon enough.”

“You don’t have to get over it, Deacon,” he counters. “You just need to sit with each other and talk it out.”

“I’ll try before I leave.”

It’s a promise I make to myself, because I really am sick of being on the outs with everyone. No matter whose fault it is, or what the trigger may be, I want to go back to Seattle knowing my whole family isn’t stuck in emotional purgatory. And more importantly, that I’m not responsible for it.

“I won’t leave till we talk,” I say a little more forcefully. “Vic said you guys were thinking of visiting and I want that.” I rise and fall on the tips of my toes, while talking, keeping Lia entertained by the motion. “I know we’re all really busy, but I want to make a change. Ineedto make a change.”

“No matter what Victoria says or feels, she just wants whatever’s best for you. So, be honest with her.”

“I’m sick of being the fuck up, man.”

Surprised, Hayden rears his head, obviously not expecting me to be this honest. But between him and Julian and everything else, I can’t seem to live in the lie I’ve built around me much longer.

I’m angry. I’m hurting. I’m so fucking confused that I don’t know which way I’m coming or going—and just like with Josie, if I’m not careful, everything I care about is going to slip out of my fingers.

“I don’t think anyone really sees you like that but yourself, man.”

“We’re just always at each other’s throats. I can’t even remember a time it wasn’t like this.”

“And why are you blaming yourself for it?”

“I’m the common denominator, aren’t I?” I scoff. “They’re not fighting with one another.”

Hayden moves closer, clapping me on the shoulder. “I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“Is there something you’re not telling me?”

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